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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate driving instructor?

102 replies

WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 10:41

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, however I just wanted your opinions over whether my driving instructor was being inappropriate.
I've jut come back from a lesson, and he kept on telling me he needed to find something in the back pouch of the drivers seat. He then proceeded to push and prod my back and feel my bum through the seat, if you get what I mean? It made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I have many other instances, one that also happened today is I drove past an Ocado van that was sitting in a lay by. My instructor proceeded to say "what a lazy so and so, he should be delivering....he's probably masturbating right now." The comment was really weird and odd?
I can think of many more instances, including when he showed me a "jokey" video that alluded to oral sex, that really made me feel uneasy!

Am I being unreasonably sensitive, or do you think his behaviour is odd as well?

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 04/01/2018 11:07

It's worse than just inappropriate, and it could escalate, either with you or someone else. I'd be on the phone to the police 101. He thinks he can get away with things and he'll go on pushing until he's stopped.
So stop him. Now, and with the police.

He's a predator. Learn to recognise them and stand up to them. Nothing ain't gonna change until we all do this, every time.

1099 · 04/01/2018 11:11

Worral, Ironically that's how I phrased it originally but when I reread it, it sounded wrong in the context of the issue! but I do agree she should change.

genuineidiot · 04/01/2018 11:12

YANBU. Totally and utterly inappropriate. First stop having lessons with him and then report him straight away. Think about it this way - he could be doing this to people as young as 17. That is not on.

cathycake · 04/01/2018 11:12

Op you have every right to feel uncomfortable he's crossing boundaries he shouldn't.

Please tell your mother what's happened and let her deal with this situation. I'm sure she will be mortified and know the best way to deal with it.

Please remember you have every right to tell him this behaviour makes you uncomfortable too and to stop. I know your young and polite and probably don't want to offend him but he's using your youth as his excuse to carry on this behaviour. Just remember that he's probably doing this to other young girls too and they like you aren't quite sure how to take it

Rest assured if you were an older woman or a male he wouldn't have made any of those comments and come out of it unscathed

Your worth more than this.. and use it as a lessson for your life. If someone's behaviour towards you makes you feel like this you MUST tell them. Good luck to you and your driving and please please tell mum. X

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 04/01/2018 11:17

Please tell the police. I know someone who was in a similar situation, reports it to the police and they took it seriously, turns out they got statements from nearly 20 young women, he had been harassing all of them, some quite seriously as he tested the waters and then upped the harassment. He got convicted and can't teach driving any more. So please do tell the police so they can join the dots if there are dots to join.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 04/01/2018 11:19

The police said it was basically grooming in my friends case, he systematically worked out what he could get away with and then gradually increased the harassment at the same time using emotional blackmail to keep the pupils from speaking out.

Babybauble · 04/01/2018 11:20

I was fairly young when I learnt to drive and insisted on a female instructor. Looking back I think I was a bit dramatic but reading this I'm glad I did!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/01/2018 11:21

You won't be the only young woman that he's doing this to.
Report him to the police and any professional organisation that he belongs to.
Demand a refund. What's the worst he can do?
Does he have a FB page?

cathycake · 04/01/2018 11:22

Don't feel guilty about mum paying for the lessons, it's what us mums do. You Mum didn't pay for you to be treated like this either as as I said before please please tell her.

CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining · 04/01/2018 11:24

You'll do so much better and progress quicker with your driving with a better instructor. Dump this guy and tell his bosses (if he has them) why you feel uncomfortable around him. It may be that you're not the first student to have concerns.

Way back I bought 20 lessons in bulk (BSM) and got a terrible instructor who was creepy and inappropriate too. I spent 15 lessons repetitively reversing around corners and doing very, very simple manoeuvres over and over on an industrial estate. I had not managed to get onto the actual open road in all that time.
The instructor kept going on about how he was starting his own driving business up and I should go to him as I'd get a discount (I wasn't planning on having more lessons! I was hoping I would have been near test ready by 20 hours in!!!)

He also told me more than once that I should inform him when I am menstruating so he could get a plastic bag for the seat! WTF?!?!? Needless to say I never did!

One day a new instructor turned up when my instructor was off sick and the new guy was gobsmacked that after 15 hours I had not been on the road yet. Turns out I was perfectly capable and should have been driving normally on lessons all along. The creepy instructor had been dragging the lessons out to keep charging but got annoyed when I told him I didn't work and there would be no more lessons after this block. I told new guy I would not like my regular instructor back. He even put a complaint in on my behalf.

YOU are the paying customer. You are free to choose who your instructor is.
I've been driving for 15 years now.

letsgomaths · 04/01/2018 11:26

Another former driving instructor here: I did it for some years, I heard loads of stories about bad instructors: groping, shouting, being late, piggybacking (picking up the next pupil on your lesson), using a mobile phone, doing personal errands on lessons.

Driving instruction is a funny one: it's one of the few professions where you sit extremely close to your client. In most other professional situations, there's a desk between you and the person you're meeting. I guess that's one reason it attracts "gropers". It's also one of the rare trades where if you do your job well, your clients end up paying you less.

If you want to unseat him and make him uncomfortable, report him to DVSA, the part of the government that regulates driving instructors, and they also conduct driving tests. All driving instructors who take money are registered with them: if not, they're instructing illegally - many of my learners were surprised to hear this. Your instructor should have a green badge in the car windscreen; note the number if you can, although his name should be enough. If DVSA tell him they've had a complaint, he'll be breaking out in a cold sweat! And do mention the lateness as well, especially if you're not getting all the time you should.

There are loads of good instructors out there: I'lI say the independent instructors (not the big schools, who mostly care about the money) are generally better, because they depend on their reputation to survive in a very competitive industry, and are more likely to be experienced instructors. This chap is a misogynistic exception.

snash12 · 04/01/2018 11:26

It's quite worrying this guy is getting access to probably lots of young women in their late teens.

Definitely tell your Mum and I'd also look into reporting him. Driving instructors must be regulated somehow?

Original poster
WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 11:27

Okay, thank you for all your advice. You've really helped me work out the situation, as I really thought I was overplaying it in my head and being stupid about it :(
I'll definitely tell my mum about it when she gets back from work today.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 04/01/2018 11:27

OP, never get in his car again.

Vitalogy · 04/01/2018 11:29

He probably chose this job for the very reason he's using it for.

sarahjconnor · 04/01/2018 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 11:30

@CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining that sounds awful...the menstruation part is so weird...my instructor once asked me if I was menstruating once as well, he said I was being grumpy...wtf?

OP posts:
Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 04/01/2018 11:34

You are not being stupid, he is not doing these things accidentally. It is deliberat, he is seeing what he can get away with and if you keep getting in his car he will not stop, he will most likely get worse. Please don't be afraid to speak out, YOU have done nothing wrong.

CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining · 04/01/2018 11:35

You really do need to report him to the DVSA. If you have trouble getting a refund (ie have received a discount for block booking, tell him to take the discount out of the money you've paid (making it so you have paid full price for the lessons you have had) and then get the hell outta there.

If not then perhaps taking mum along for the remainding lessons for at the very least, having your phone recording in your top pocket.

I agree with some PPs saying he will likely escalate.

Snowman41 · 04/01/2018 11:42

If not then perhaps taking mum along for the remainding lessons for at the very least, having your phone recording in your top pocket.

Fuck no! People shouldn't have to take their mums along or have their phone recording FFS.

No OP you DO NOT go back with this man.

Laiste · 04/01/2018 11:42

Blimey this is all awful!

Poor you OP. Don't get in the car with him ever again. Let us know what your mum says. Once you've told her about it you'll probably feel bolder about reporting him.

To be honest if i were your mum (I've got teen/20 daughters) i'd wait till your next lesson and then go out there and read him the fucking riot act! And tell him we'd reported him! Bastard.

gingergenius · 04/01/2018 11:43

Bloody hell what an arsehole!

Funnyface1 · 04/01/2018 11:45

Tell your mum and get a new instructor, he sounds vile.

thegreylady · 04/01/2018 11:46

I had one who kept ‘accidentally ‘ touching my thigh. He also directed me out to a disused airfield to practise 3 Point turns etc. I was quite afraid and asked him to take me home as I felt sick. I refused to book more lessons with him and told my husband. I often wondered if more would have happened if I hadn’t felt ill...
This was about 45 years ago now!

Original poster
WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 11:48

Yes, don't worry I will definitely be telling my mother, thank you for giving me the confidence!
I've been with him since May and ever block of lessons I just think his comments get more and more weird with every lesson. He saw a young lady carrying her cat back from the vets, and he exclaimed "I can see her pussy"...downright weird and inappropriate. Now I'm writing these comments down I feeel so stupid for not saying anything/putting up with him for so long :(

OP posts: