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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate driving instructor?

102 replies

WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 10:41

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, however I just wanted your opinions over whether my driving instructor was being inappropriate.
I've jut come back from a lesson, and he kept on telling me he needed to find something in the back pouch of the drivers seat. He then proceeded to push and prod my back and feel my bum through the seat, if you get what I mean? It made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I have many other instances, one that also happened today is I drove past an Ocado van that was sitting in a lay by. My instructor proceeded to say "what a lazy so and so, he should be delivering....he's probably masturbating right now." The comment was really weird and odd?
I can think of many more instances, including when he showed me a "jokey" video that alluded to oral sex, that really made me feel uneasy!

Am I being unreasonably sensitive, or do you think his behaviour is odd as well?

OP posts:
CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining · 04/01/2018 11:49

@Snowman41 perhaps getting it on tape so to speak will get him out of his job quicker? He shouldn't be working alone with young girls and women. He needs shutting down and a complaint with evidence will work far quicker and more effectively than a simple complaint on its own. Even if it's just privately played to the decision maker.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2018 11:56

He is a pervert. Forget the money. Tell your mum and dump the lessons.
If she doesn't agree, she can sit in the back of the car for every lesson until you finish the lessons.
"lighten up" How dare he!!!
You've had many signals now that something is not right. Trust your instinct and Listen to what everyone on here is telling you. The Big Red Warning signs are all there. Personally I wouldn't allow myself to get in a car with this pervert again. If you keep coming back and letting him carry on, he may in his warped mind see it as encouragement and get worse. You've asked him to stop the small things, you've told him you are uncomfortable and he's mocked you and continued.

Do you really want to take the risk that he might assault you?

Tell your Mum at once. And stand your ground. And don't be embarrassed about it. He's the one who should be ashamed.

Laiste · 04/01/2018 11:57

OP with what you've just said, why not note down these comments as you sit and remember them now? You'll have it all in front of you to remind you what an inappropriate wanker he is and it'll give you the strength to report him when you look at it.

Be angry with him. DO NOT start feeling guilty for letting it go on. It's not your fault - these things creep up on you and it's easy to keep second guessing yourself and pushing it to the back of your mind. He'll be doing the same to other women.

HazelBite · 04/01/2018 12:03

OP get a female driving instructor, I was learning for years with male instructors but it took a good female instructor to fathom what I was not doing right and got me sucessfully through a test.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2018 12:05

Sorry I just missed your last post. His last comment - completely out of order!! Don't feel stupid. You're not. It's his disgusting behaviour that is stupid, not you!!! You've had him telling you all his comments and behaviour are OK, you've had the personal recommendation (was it from a boy who perhaps didn't experience this?) You've been worrying about the cost. But none of that matters now.
How many actual lessons do you have left? Many people have several instructors before they find one they can work with. You don't have to stick with just one? What about doing a few lessons whilst at uni - extra experience to drive in a different town, and if its smaller than your home town so much the better! gives you more confidence.
How can this creep really be teaching you anything when you feel under threat during his lessons. And what is all this about Having to book a huge block of lessons and pay upfront. That sounds even more dubious to me!! May to Christmas? That sounds like a long time without a test.

Try just one trial lesson with a larger company ( a good company will agree to this - they won't make you pay for large blocks of lessons upfront either) and insist on a woman instructor. I bet you'll see an immediate difference.

onalongsabbatical · 04/01/2018 12:06

Please ring 101.
Please.
He could rape the next vulnerable young woman.
Please.

Allthetuppences · 04/01/2018 12:07

Yuck yeah. Was he called Mike. Years ago when i was 17 my driving instuctor was a massively inappropriate creep.
Find someone else and explain that he's a perv.

BackBoiler · 04/01/2018 12:08

DH and I have been together since our teens and I used the same driving instructor as him. He was in his 50s (he appeared to be anyway) and for some strange reason he didn't feel as compelled to rub DHs arms and legs because he liked his clothing the same way as mine.

It started off with my trousers, then he also liked my jacket (rubbing my arm and thigh as he proclaimed his love for my attire!).

Needless to say I changed instructors soon enough!

WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Florene · 04/01/2018 12:13

I would report to DVSA rather than the police at this stage. And request demand your money back and find a new, normal instructor, male or female.

streetlife70s · 04/01/2018 12:16

I fucking HATE this ‘lighten up’ shit put upon women by a large portion of men. NO cuntychops, she does NOT need to lighten up, you need to stop asking about her period, showing her oral sex videos, discussing masturbation and feeling her arse up you pervy, entitled, mysoginistic shit stick!! Angry

Sorry. Rant over. OP don’t fall into the trap too many of us have fallen into from young age, questioning if we are ‘making a fuss’ or ‘can’t take a joke’. We’ve tolerated this bullshit social conditioning for too long. Tell your mum, get your money back and send the creep packing Flowers

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 04/01/2018 12:20

If you feel you can drive, you don't need to keep having lessons - you just need to get through your test. I passed on my 4th go - I knew I could drive, I just had to get through that half hour without making a mistake! Maybe just have a refresher once every few weeks or see if a friend will let you drive their car until your next test.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 04/01/2018 12:24

It’s so depressing that women are socialised, from a young age, in such a way that when, essentially a stranger to you, starts making wank and pussy ‘jokes’ we wonder if we’re the ones with the problem. He’s doing it to make you feel uncomfortable, it’s a form of control. I’m glad the wise voices of mumsnet have given you some confidence.

Snowman41 · 04/01/2018 12:25

perhaps getting it on tape so to speak will get him out of his job quicker?

Utter shite. You suggested she recorded so she could continue lessons in order not to lose the block booking money.

Nobody has to be subjected to this harassment, and certainly when it gets reported to the police they will advise against recording a lesson ffs.

streetlife70s · 04/01/2018 12:26

I want to add / point something out. This is in no way a criticism of you but it really resonates with me because as a young women, I recognise these responses in me when in similar situations. I feel sad that today, young women still feel this way when they are victims. The following language out of your posts OP:

‘unreasonably sensitive, overplaying, guilty, stupid’

None of this is your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty for. When someone makes you feel uncomfortable you are not overplaying it. Stop taking blame.

Snowman41 · 04/01/2018 12:27

He needs shutting down and a complaint with evidence will work far quicker and more effectively than a simple complaint on its own

He does. But it is not the OP's responsibility to go back and recorded some evidence fgs.

TheHallouminati · 04/01/2018 12:31

He sounds scarily like my ex driving instructor OP but hearing these examples makes me think there are a lot him.
Don't suppose you're in Bristol?

Original poster
WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 12:35

@Hallouminati I'm sorry you had an awful driving instructor as well. Did you change instructor and pass in the end? Nope, not in Bristol...I'm in East Anglia

OP posts:
gentlydoesit89 · 04/01/2018 12:38

My first driving instructor went as far as getting me to pull into a lay by and telling me I could ‘pass quicker’ if I went along with whatever he suggested.
I reported him to the DVSA and between me and a handful of other women giving similar accounts he is no longer allowed to practice as an instructor.
It won’t just be you he’s doing this to, and reporting him will stop him from carrying on with his other victims too. But at the very least don’t put yourself back in that situation.

sandytune · 04/01/2018 12:44

He's a creep! You really need to report him. I wouldn't have got back in his car at the first sign of harassment! Tell someone!

TheHallouminati · 04/01/2018 12:47

I think there must be a lot of grim instructors then. Mine started off ok but ramped up the weirdness, sex jokes and innuendoes close to my test. I didn't switch cos it was quitr late in the day and managed to pass. I'm definitely not advocating you put up with it though!!
Sorry you're having a tough time. I would seek out a female instructor-then that whole dynamic is something you don't have to consider at all. Best of luck with everything.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 04/01/2018 12:48

As others have said, drop him immediately. Sure your mum would be mortified by his behaviour and say sod the money. In fact, if he values his job and reputation, he ought to refund you for the lessons you won’t be taking with him and completely rethink his behaviour.

You’re probably not as bad a learner driver as you seem to think, and he shouldn’t be encouraging you to believe you are either!

hibbledibble · 04/01/2018 12:49

Yanbu it is totally innapropriate.

Ask for a refund for the lessons booked. There are plenty of female instructors, which may make you feel more confortable after this experiece.

onalongsabbatical · 04/01/2018 13:06

@streetlife70s good post, very important point.

CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining · 04/01/2018 13:08

* He does. But it is not the OP's responsibility to go back and recorded some evidence fgs.*

No, perhaps not but if she felt safe to do so (and that's the important bit!) she could fucking bury this creepy bastard. Stop him from having the opportunity to do it again to someone else. A complaint is only a complaint until there's something to back it up and no doubt he would happily say she's being an "over sensitive girl" or "taking things out of context". Or of course, there's outright denial.