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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she BU - insisting on silence for baby to nap

67 replies

eeanne · 04/01/2018 04:40

DM is visiting, I have a 1 month old and a 2 year old. DM spends all day blaming DH, toddler, me, or cleaning lady for making noise causing the baby to wake up from a nap. She actually said the baby woke up because I sneezed halfway across the room. And she tries to communicate in an absurd whisper which requires lip reading skills to interpret.

Yet I can get baby to nap while talking on the phone, or while DH is opening closet doors and running water in the bathroom.

Also with a toddler how am I supposed to keep the house quiet all day? She is expecting my toddler to play silently which is basically impossible.

Please tell me she is BU! I’m tired of being told off all day for just making normal human noises. And it’s my house she’s visiting! Why am I walking on eggshells.!

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 04/01/2018 04:42

Just tell her firmly that you were getting your baby to sleep just fine before she came.

TheSameParts · 04/01/2018 04:44

My health nurse suggested vaccuming while the baby napped, to train them to be better at sleeping through noises. Sadly, my children didn't get the memo and still wake at a drop of a hat! But you can tell your DM that a baby sleep expert recommended it.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 04/01/2018 04:45

Your baby will never get use to noise if you allow this to happen.

Tell her she is BU !

Isetan · 04/01/2018 04:49

Why am I walking on eggshells.!

Good question, why are you? I suspect that this is part of a dynamic that goes way back.

She can’t make you walk on eggshells if you don’t agree to it. She’s a guest and if she has difficulties in the way you raise your child and run your home, she’s welcome to leave. You can not change her but you can limit your exposure to her behaviour if it persists.

Original poster
eeanne · 04/01/2018 05:48

Good question, why are you? I suspect that this is part of a dynamic that goes way back.

You’re right. She works in healthcare so feels she knows everything about what’s best for a baby. Bosses DH and me around. With DC1 she told DH he was kissing the baby too much and claimed she was only saying so to protect the innocent babe from infections. We’re talking a few kisses on the cheek when he got home from work. He ignored her and privately vented to me how angry it was making him - and I totally agreed with him.

Problem is she acts really offended when confronted. I’ve tried the indirect approach eg saying “ Sorry I can’t hear you” in a normal voice in reply to the absurd whispering. But I guess I have to just put a stop to it.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 04/01/2018 06:02

She's a fucking lunatic and I hope she hasn't been a HV in her time, telling parents they're showing too much affection to their children Shock

This is much more than about the sleep thing isn't it, that's just one of the most irritating symptoms. Basically she is extremely controlling - IN YOUR FUCKING HOME - and you've fallen into the habit of placating her because it's easier than having a row every time you challenge her need to control.

Stop following this dynamic. Next time she tells you to shush, tell her you'll make as much noise as you want in your own home and that you don't agree with her ideas about how to keep a baby asleep and you'd rather she didn't try and impose them in your house, thank you very much.

Be strong. Don't back down. She'll be using your children as a means to control you for years, if you don't stand up to her now.

And get your DH to support you. Don't let her divide and rule.

AskBasil · 04/01/2018 06:04

The whispering is another control thing, forcing you to try and lip read and strain your ears to hear her - attention seeking from her. Your technique of answering in a normal voice that you can't hear her, is good.

Also, if you don't happen to be looking at her at the time, ignore her so she has to talk louder.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 04/01/2018 06:06

Why don't you just say "you need to stop telling me to be quiet in my own home, I do not want the baby to only be able to sleep in quietness, it's not practical long term so please stop" then if she sulks say "really? You are sulking about what i want in my house with my baby? Ridiculous" and walk away and leave her there.

The longer you pander the worse her sulks will get, you should have called her out on the kissing already

KC225 · 04/01/2018 06:10

Ignore, ignore, ignore. I had twins in a one bedroom high rise flat. Had they not got used to 'surround noise' they would never have slept. I never turned the sound in the TV down, and would have people over to dinner. My children are still excellent sleepers.

Your baby, your rules. Repeat our baby, our rules to her. If she keeps on with the healthcare rank pulling. Reply with well, things change you know that. Do not let her bully. Say if she continues with this, you will have to meet her for coffee instead.

You can kiss your baby and sneeze.

NovemberWitch · 04/01/2018 06:11

AskBasil is right. You are the parents in your own home. If she ‘s not useful, supportive and you are walking on eggshells, send her home.

midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 06:13

Just continue doing things your way & ignore her unreasonable demands. Your family, your choice.

moita · 04/01/2018 06:18

My MIL thought this - also babies should never sleep in someone's arms (rod for your own back etc).

My son spent the first year of his life living in east London. He slept through police sirens/noisy neighbours and fireworks quite happily.

RemainOptimistic · 04/01/2018 06:23

Why is this woman in your house? She can get a fucking hotel and spend her time complaining about the families there!

I'm being serious. There's no rule that says you have to accept bullying or otherwise bad behaviour from your DM.

Tell her to wind her neck in or she won't be visiting ever again. Instead she can stay in a hotel and meet you for lunch at the soft play.

UnicornRainbowColours · 04/01/2018 06:43

Baby’s need not quiet. My previous charge would sleep in her room through the cleaner hoovering. My current charge nothing wakes her up. The door bell for example.

Get her used to sleeping around noise she’ll be a better sleeper.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2018 06:44

I kissed and still kiss dd on the lips. Not as a tiny baby though. So does dh. Too much affection/smothering is impossible with a very young baby. My mother is quite controlling and she scorned some of the things we did and tried to impose her child rearing ideas. It used to drive me insane. Dd is 9 now. Funnily enough I can only remember one piece of information being useful. I’ve forgotten what it was now.

PinkAvocado · 04/01/2018 06:46

Whilst inside, it’s really noisy! Your heartbeat beat, outside sounds and the placenta...babies don’t need silence. It’s actually not what they’re used to hence all the white noise apps and gadgets!

CaveMum · 04/01/2018 06:47

Babies don’t like quiet! Tell her to think about how noisy it is in utero - the constant sound of your heart beating, your intestines digesting, the sound of your voice, etc. They’ve been used to it for 9 months, it’s what they know and understand.

ChasedByBees · 04/01/2018 06:49

I think you need some stock phrases to repeat over and over until she gets the message.

'That's not current advice, she needs to be able to get used to noise'
'We were getting her to sleep fine before you arrived'
And even more direct but it sounds like it's necessary, what nocabbage said is good too.

Capelin · 04/01/2018 06:52

My mum is a retired health visitor. We are close and usually get on really well, but I found her v irritating when my babies were tiny. She was the health care professional so she always knew best - never mind that some of the advice (eg around weaning age) had changed completely since her day! Arghhh!!

user1471495191 · 04/01/2018 06:54

Why is she staying so long? As others have said, if she's not helping, send her home. This is precious time with your babies you won't get back. People were shocked that I didn't have my mum come to stay when my DC were born, but I just enjoyed the time with my little family unit and didn't need or want any suggestions extra help.

PinkAvocado · 04/01/2018 06:55

I think the phrase from bees is good, ‘that’s not current advice’ and repeat.

QueenOfCatan · 04/01/2018 06:56

Noise when they sleep is handy, as others have said it stops them waking later on!

"don't be so ridiculous!" in a tinkly voice works well for me now. Then if it continues be outrightly blunt. My in laws try to pull this type of rubbish on me and being blunt was the only thing that stopped the constant crap. I'm never rude, but I will say "actually no, we do it like this." they'd call me rude but only because I refuse to take on board their wisdom.

JustAnIdiot · 04/01/2018 07:00

I used to clear up toys & vacuum DS's room while he was asleep in there. Your mum is being ridiculous & controlling.

bushtailadventures · 04/01/2018 07:02

All my babies, and dgd when she was tiny, slept downstairs in the daytime, with all the associated noise that goes with a house full of people and animals. Dgd can sleep through anything now, even her Uncle coming in from work at 3am. Noise, as long as you're not popping balloons next to the baby's bed, isn't a bad thing, your DM is making a rod for your back by insisting on silence.

sprockercrazy · 04/01/2018 10:25

Your children , your home , your rules. To be honest she sounds very controlling and a little unhinged.
Time for her to go I home I would suggest