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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she BU - insisting on silence for baby to nap

67 replies

eeanne · 04/01/2018 04:40

DM is visiting, I have a 1 month old and a 2 year old. DM spends all day blaming DH, toddler, me, or cleaning lady for making noise causing the baby to wake up from a nap. She actually said the baby woke up because I sneezed halfway across the room. And she tries to communicate in an absurd whisper which requires lip reading skills to interpret.

Yet I can get baby to nap while talking on the phone, or while DH is opening closet doors and running water in the bathroom.

Also with a toddler how am I supposed to keep the house quiet all day? She is expecting my toddler to play silently which is basically impossible.

Please tell me she is BU! I’m tired of being told off all day for just making normal human noises. And it’s my house she’s visiting! Why am I walking on eggshells.!

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/01/2018 11:48

Just say to her that you don’t agree and won’t be doing that. If she carries on/sulks just say to her that if she can’t accept that you’re now an adult, in your own home, & act accordingly then she won’t be able to come to stay again as it’s too exhausting.

lynmilne65 · 04/01/2018 11:51

Hissy

crazychemist · 04/01/2018 11:53

Don't walk on eggshells, be firm!
Having said that, I'm cometelu failing to do that with my DMIL. It's so hard when you see them infrequently, there's so much pressure to get on well on a long visit - mine comes for two weeks one a year. I think it doesn't give them time to adjust to the idea of you as parents, so they treat you as if you're completely incompetent! We've nearly come to confrontation a couple of times as she's tried to override me. She insisted on giving my DD (15 months) a large shortbread biscuit 15 minutes before dinner and then implied I was giving DD a completely joyless childhood .
Just be calm and tell her that you have decided how you want to do things! Babies seem to be quite varied with naps anyway. Mine is fine with general background noise, but some quite specific things disturb her. Bit like me, so not really a surprise!

Jux · 04/01/2018 11:57

It’s much better to get babies used to sleeping through noise, and in different places. Our dd can sleep anywhere and through anything; we took er to see the fireworks on the eve of the Millennium standing on the roof of a factory owned by a friend. She was in her Moses basket and fell asleep partway through them! It’s been a very useful skill of hers ever since!

Differentcorner · 04/01/2018 12:06

Yes she is BU! Does she think the baby learnt to sleep in silence in your tummy? Not realistic at all, actually the sounds of normal family life are likely a comfort to your baby

dutysuite · 04/01/2018 12:18

I always thought it was best to just get on with stuff when the baby was asleep so they got used to the noise of everyday life in the house. Otherwise they would wake at the drop of a pin!

Eryri1981 · 04/01/2018 12:34

My mum is similar...strong opinions and it is "her way or no way" she has also bullied me my whole life. I'm am due by 1st DD in the next month.

OP have you got another family member who isn't concerned about your DMs "offence" who will set her straight. Some posters on MN would probably see this as a cop out, and say that you are an adult and should be able to deal with it yourself, but you are vulnerable as a mum to a newborn and if you have been bullied your whole life by DM, it is never that easy.

My Auntie (DMs SIL) who has no problem offending my DM (!!) and will happily speak her mind, has already given my DM a pep talk about the kind of behaviour you are experiencing from DM, and told me if there are any problems to let here know and she will deal with my DM.

I had to use my Aunties similar offer once whilst my DF was terminally ill, and DM had repeatedly pissed off (bullied) carers so much that the care agency was on the verge of pulling out all care....One late night panic phone call from me to my Auntie and things got adequately sorted the next morning!

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

shouldaknownbetter · 04/01/2018 13:42

My SIL does this, insists on silence when the baby (now more of a toddler) is sleeping.

It's stupid..much better to train them to sleep with noises around.

My kids (now a bit older) will sleep through a hurricane as I never insisted on it being silent at bedtime.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 04/01/2018 15:05

Can I just say again that all babies are different though, it's not necessarily a case of getting them used to it and that anyone who does keep quiet are stupid and making a rod for their own back? I started off doing everything round my babies, but if you have a 3 week old who's been awake for 7 hours straight, when they do finally nod off, it's very very hard indeed to bring yourself to risk the hoover

Isetan · 04/01/2018 15:14

Problem is she acts really offended when confronted. I’ve tried the indirect approach eg saying “ Sorry I can’t hear you” in a normal voice in reply to the absurd whispering. But I guess I have to just put a stop to it.

Yes, you do need to cut her off before she starts. So what if she gets defensive? The sun will still rise and set. You do realise her 'offence' when confronted has nothing to do with her being offended and a lot to do with training you to STFU. Start dealing with her now before your baby gets older and she gets into the habit of being your child's 'top' parent, to you and H's subordinate parental roles.

At some stage in your parenting journey you are going to have to teach your child assertiveness and what better way to prepare than making sure that granny doesn't wipe her feet over you.

BenLui · 04/01/2018 15:17

You need to kindly, politely but firmly take charge in your own home.

Your baby. Your rules.

Smile and tell her you disagree. Send her to the park with the toddler during nap time.

Situp · 04/01/2018 15:18

if it is silent, a small noise will seem louder and wake the baby.

If there is a hum of noise around, the baby is far less likely to be disturbed by an individual noise.

She needs to mind her own business!

lettuceWrap · 04/01/2018 16:01

Much better in my opinion, to get the baby used to napping in the presence of normal family life noise... the toddler playing, conversation, laughter, etc. That’s what a baby is “programmed” to hear, the reassuring noise of it’s tribe, so to speak!

scaryteacher · 04/01/2018 16:10

I am way past this as ds is 22, but my Mum still tries to set the agenda in my house. She has been here for a month over Christmas and had the mega sulks yesterday when I ticked her off for trying to read an email I was writing, by peering over my shoulder. She flounced off to her room and only came down for dinner, eaten with her head resting on one hand, then went back up. I did what she used to do to me when i was in a huff....gave her a damn good ignoring for several hours.

Just as I sometimes have to develop a backbone with my Mum, you will have to do so with yours. Ds now bites back hard if he thinks I am getting a rough ride from Mum, and that resulted in her not talking to me for three weeks once. Was quite nice!

Llangollen · 04/01/2018 17:37

Much better in my opinion, to get the baby used to napping in the presence of normal family life noise...

Again, sometimes they don't!
Sometimes they are not even a "PFB" but have siblings who slept through anything. Not all babies are identical.

meercat23 · 04/01/2018 19:59

*Much better in my opinion, to get the baby used to napping in the presence of normal family life noise...

Again, sometimes they don't!
Sometimes they are not even a "PFB" but have siblings who slept through anything. Not all babies are identical.*

That's absolutely true. Whatever you do you may end up with a baby that will not sleep through any noise. That's a bit different though from almost deliberately teaching a baby that it needs to be completely quiet before he can sleep. With a brand new baby it is certainly worth trying to keep noise levels normal through sleep times.

lettuceWrap · 04/01/2018 21:01

Llangollen and Meerkat, ha, yes you both raise good points sensible to go with the “normal family noise” thing... and hope that that works out!

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