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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she BU - insisting on silence for baby to nap

67 replies

eeanne · 04/01/2018 04:40

DM is visiting, I have a 1 month old and a 2 year old. DM spends all day blaming DH, toddler, me, or cleaning lady for making noise causing the baby to wake up from a nap. She actually said the baby woke up because I sneezed halfway across the room. And she tries to communicate in an absurd whisper which requires lip reading skills to interpret.

Yet I can get baby to nap while talking on the phone, or while DH is opening closet doors and running water in the bathroom.

Also with a toddler how am I supposed to keep the house quiet all day? She is expecting my toddler to play silently which is basically impossible.

Please tell me she is BU! I’m tired of being told off all day for just making normal human noises. And it’s my house she’s visiting! Why am I walking on eggshells.!

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/01/2018 10:29

Problem is she acts really offended when confronted

and yet she has no problem offending, insulting and bossing you and your dh around......
It's about time you started getting 'offended' in your reaction to her nonsense.........

TheQueenOfWands · 04/01/2018 10:35

DS used to sleep with Iron Maiden playing in the background. He's always been a 'good' sleeper.

Friend's baby was a 'bad' sleeper. House has to be silent, they had black out blinds, no one could make a sound. Her baby would wake at the tiniest sound from then on.

tabbywabby · 04/01/2018 10:36

I would not say "that's current advice" because it then opens up an avenue for her to debate the topic. I would say "this is how I do things in my home. We are happy with our decisions" on repeat and then "Please respect our rules while you in our home"

tabbywabby · 04/01/2018 10:38

My DS is 10. He never napped in silence or darkness. He co-slept, napped in arms or a sling, and much later in a pushchair, when we were out. He's an amazingly sound sleeper and hasn't woken in the night ever (unless sick) since he was about 18 months old.

1099 · 04/01/2018 10:38

My DS recently told me how worried he used to get when it was very quiet because he thought we had all gone out and left him. It had never occurred to me that he needed to hear things so he knew we were still there.

tinymeteor · 04/01/2018 10:42

Laugh at her. Literally, laugh to her face when she starts being ridiculous. She may get offended or she may decide to climb down, that's up to her. But you're within your rights to reject her 'advice' in your own home! You don't have to start a row every time, and ideally it can be done in an affectionate "oh mum you're such a nutter" kind of tone. But don't tiptoe around this shit. Let her know you think her advice is bonkers and move on with your day.

user1494409994 · 04/01/2018 10:42

Brought my new baby home to my mums house. The baby's brother and cousin were playing and my mum looked at me to see what I would say. I told her the baby would have to get used to the noise as she would be living with her brother and why should a 4 year old stay silent. She agreed with me and it was never a problem for the baby to nap.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 04/01/2018 10:48

I do think some babies wake at the tiniest thing. Both mine did when very small. And believe me, I started out with normal noises. Maybe that's your mum's experience?

That being said, she's being an utter drama queen about it, and very rude indeed to tell you how to parent. You need to put a stop to it - my mum is also easily offended (though full of opinions....) and at certain times I am very firm with her to pack it in.

Jaxhog · 04/01/2018 10:51

Err, who's house is it! Surely you just do what you normally do when she isn't there?

OnTheRise · 04/01/2018 10:51

Tell her, once, to stop bossing you around.

If she acts offended, tell her she's the one in the wrong then refuse to engage.

If she does it again, tell her that as she clearly can't stop treating you badly she has to leave immediately, and stick to your guns.

She's controlling, abusive and manipulative, and you'd all be better off without her if she won't change her ways.

LittleRedWagon1 · 04/01/2018 10:57

YANBU, your DM is.

The best piece of advice DN and I were given when we had DD1 was to never do the excessive quiet thing. We carried on as normal when both DD's napped/slept and the result is they will sleep through anything.

I remember DH and I being invited to a friends house for a meal when their DS was around 6mo and we couldn't even use the bathroom, let alone talk. The meal was in complete silence as were the drinks afterward in their living room. All this while their DS slept upstairs.
It was a bloody awkward, awful and embarrassing experience and we declined all other invites to theirs and only ever went to restaurants or invited them to ours instead.

LittleRedWagon1 · 04/01/2018 10:59

Sorry I meant DH not DN

RhiannonOHara · 04/01/2018 11:00

Bright and breezy: 'Oh, we're not tiptoeing around just because the baby needs to nap.' Smile. Repeat as needed.

Problem is she acts really offended when confronted.

So let her be offended. Ignore. Carry on with what you're doing.

MrsMarigold · 04/01/2018 11:02

I think it's good training to sleep somewhere quite light and noisy, as a child I was told to lie down on a few cushions and a blanket while my parents were at parties, as a result I can go to sleep anywhere. One of my best friends made sure her kids slept in silence and completely dark rooms and they have all sorts of issues when conditions aren't optimum. It's conditioning, and it gives you the most options as their mum, you aren't housebound at nap time.

pictish · 04/01/2018 11:04

Yanbu. Her adviuce is shite. She wants control while in your household...and that's what this is about. Not your baby's wellbeing...her being in charge.
Time to stand up to mumsy. She won't like it one bit but that's tough.

Llangollen · 04/01/2018 11:09

Your baby, your house, your rules and that should be the end of it.

On another note, babies are individual, there's not one rule fits all. My first could sleep through anything, the next one needed silence. You figure things out as you go along, but you should be in charge of your own household, not your guest.

PocketCoffeeEspresso · 04/01/2018 11:10

DS2 wakes at the rustle of a crisp packet, so we keep it down a bit. DS1, once he's asleep, it would take a fog horn in the same room to wake him - different kids are different.

The only time I'd demand absolute silence is if we were all sleep deprived due to a non-napper and I didn't want to risk it!

suzy2b · 04/01/2018 11:11

i used to hover to get my son to sleep

Hissy · 04/01/2018 11:20

i used to hover to get my son to sleep

Impressive!! Like David Blaine?

pictish · 04/01/2018 11:20

We used to put ds1 in front of the washing machine to nap when he was a newborn. It lulled him right to sleep. My mum used to switch the hoover on for my brother. It's poor advice to insist on complete silence as it's virtually impossible to achieve in a normal household where people are going about their day. Far better to start as you mean to go on and carry on as normal. I know we did. I had a couple of friends who went down the total silence route, even to the point you would be asked not to flush the toilet for fear of waking the baby...that's fine, up to them, but I could not have lived like that and what's more, I didn't need to. All three of mine napped in the middle of it all.

Your mum is doing this because she wants authority over you...but it's really inappropriate as well as none of her concern. Her role, if anything, is to support you in your decisions, it is not to make those decisions for you and insist they be carried out! Her whispering is preposterous....so controlling and you did well to respond in a normal voice that you can't hear her....treat it with the contempt it deserves.

Llangollen · 04/01/2018 11:24

Far better to start as you mean to go on and carry on as normal.

but when you realise it doesn't work, you adapt.

Wilson2 · 04/01/2018 11:26

That is so unreasonable! It's your home and you should be able to make as much or as little noise as you want. I have twin boys and I make sure to continue cleaning and working around the house during their naps as normal. Otherwise they can only sleep in absolute silence which leaves me doing what, sitting in silence for a few hours? Background noise is soothing for children generally and it is good for them to get used to. You have say over your own home and how you raise your children. It sounds like you are a wonderful mum and don't need someone telling you how to raise your children - especially if it's not helpful advice but more criticism instead. Us mum's don't need anyone else telling us we're doing a 'bad job'. Totally support you! Hoping things improve! - Sandra

Original poster

eeanne · 04/01/2018 11:26

Thanks for all the advice.

She’s staying for a month because we live overseas so it’s a major trip for her. And also because she wants to help and be involved. The extra pair of hands is a help but the pushiness is definitely not needed.

I will have a chat with her again about the noise using some of the tips here!

OP posts:

pictish · 04/01/2018 11:27

Well meaning advice is one thing...assuming authority is quite another.

thelastredwinegum · 04/01/2018 11:29

Not a parent myself but I'm sure MIL must've insisted on silence when my DP was a child as the slightest sound wakes him up now & also he can't have for e.g. a ticking clock in the bedroom as it keeps him awake.

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