To not ask his permission? *trigger warning re indecent images of children*

[Elevenismydoctor]

Background so as to not drip feed. I was with my exH for 9 years, married for 2. Had dd and all was going well. When dd was 3 months old exH was arrested for downloading indecent images of children. Along with everyone who ever knew him I was completely shocked and didn't believe it was true. Until he admitted it was all true but wouldn't tell me the details of what he had been viewing.

So I left him that day and took dd with me. He wasn't allowed any unsupervised access to dd so I agreed to take her to see him once a week until his case went to court. He asked me not to attend the hearings but I did as I wanted to know the truth. Anyway it was revealed that the images and videos he had been downloading were of children as young as one year olds. He was given a suspended sentence.

I told him that he would never see dd again. He hasn't tried to contact me or fight me on this at all. That was nearly 2 years ago.

I changed my surname by deedpoll as I can't afford to get divorced yet. And had to have a letter of permission from him to change my surname. Dd still has his surname and I want to change her name to my maiden name.

Now, I have the form to do this and have read up on how to do it. Normally I would need a letter of permission from him to change dds name but I can apply to change it without his permission if I have a valid reason for not wanting to contact him. Now, I think I do as I don't want to risk him saying no and me having to take him to court to get a court order, which I can't afford.

I also know his DM who I have a good relationship with and she visits to see dd every other weekend, will be hurt that I want to change her name and will tell him that I've done it. So I don't want to tell her until it's done.

So AIBU to just apply for her name change without his permission?

And if you made it to the end of this post well done!

You can get divorced for about £100-£200. I did it a while ago for under £100. I would do that and then you don't need any more contact with him.

YANBU.

Yanbu at all. I don't believe anyone would say you were.

Just do it. When people make certain choices, they give up certain rights.

Do you know he won't give permission? If he signed the letter of permission for your name change, is there a reason why he wouldn't do it for your dd? Simplest thing would be to ask him first. If he refuses, then go the court order route. To be blunt, DM's feelings don't really come into it.

I think you have perfectly justifiable grounds to apply for a name change without his permission. I'm sure his Mum would understand (I'm guessing she knows too about the images / court case).

mybrilliantdisguise how do I do that? I've looked and I thought it cost at least £500. Trust me I want nothing more!

Yanbu at all. Do it.

He agreed to my name change when we were still in contact. And I think he'd feel differently about his dd. And honestly I don't want him to ask to see dd. I don't know if he would but I just worry about him saying something like "I'll agree to it if you let me see her"

I’m shocked you needed his permission to change your name in the first place. Truly shocked.

The court fee for a divorce is £550 in England and Wales so that's the minimum you'd pay unless you qualify for fee remission.

Go right ahead, not unreasonable in the slightest.

Yes his mum knows about what happened but she's the kind of woman who doesn't talk about uncomfortable things and prefers to pretend they didn't happen

Oh I know izzy24 I was too! Some outraged laws I guess

*outdated

Why did he have to give permission for your name change? Tgere is no such requirement for a change by deed poll?

In answer to your question, send in the form with your reasons and take it from there. I don't see any reason that it would harm dd to have your name and it may cause harm to have his.

You do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your daughter from this monster - he’s a paedophile - what’s left to be said ? Would you trust him with her ?!!!

You, an adult woman, have to have your husband's permission to change your own name? Wtf?! That's ridiculous isn't it.

Yes I think you have an extremely valid reason not to have contact with him, I can't imagine many more valid reasons.

Izzy, I didn't need my XH's permission to change my name, IIRC I did it before I divorced him. I think you have a good case for getting the name-change Eleven.

You know that if he applied to court for access to your DD (daytime only, supervised by a relative or at a contact centre) it would almost certainly be granted?

Its difficult to advise without knowing your Ex and how he is likely to react. However given that he is not in your lives at the moment you may want to think about whether this step is likely (whether you tell him your intention, or he finds out after the event) to provoke him into seeking access. And ensure you are prepared for that possibility.

You do not need anyone else's permission to change your own name, I changed mine while still married to exh and it was nothing to do with him. You have autonomy over your own name! Are you outside the UK op?

Yanbu to change your dd name, you have good reason.

I changed from my married name by deed poll approx 10 years ago and there was no need for "permission" just a witness.

I'm not sure why. It took ages to understand the forms and I had solicitor help as well.

Yes that's my thinking. His surname isn't very common and the case was all over fb and in the paper so I don't want it associated with her.

Absolutely not unreasonable at all! I would be surprised if they told you need his permission. I'm sure you'll be able to do it without given the circumstances.

What country are you in? I didn't have to ask "permission" to change my name back. You can call yourself what you want.

Yanbu to change your dd's name.

I'm not sure if you would qualify but depending on your income/benefits you can apply to have the court fee waived or reduced, that's what I did, I wouldn't have been able to afford to divorce otherwise.