To not ask his permission? *trigger warning re indecent images of children*

[Elevenismydoctor]

Background so as to not drip feed. I was with my exH for 9 years, married for 2. Had dd and all was going well. When dd was 3 months old exH was arrested for downloading indecent images of children. Along with everyone who ever knew him I was completely shocked and didn't believe it was true. Until he admitted it was all true but wouldn't tell me the details of what he had been viewing.

So I left him that day and took dd with me. He wasn't allowed any unsupervised access to dd so I agreed to take her to see him once a week until his case went to court. He asked me not to attend the hearings but I did as I wanted to know the truth. Anyway it was revealed that the images and videos he had been downloading were of children as young as one year olds. He was given a suspended sentence.

I told him that he would never see dd again. He hasn't tried to contact me or fight me on this at all. That was nearly 2 years ago.

I changed my surname by deedpoll as I can't afford to get divorced yet. And had to have a letter of permission from him to change my surname. Dd still has his surname and I want to change her name to my maiden name.

Now, I have the form to do this and have read up on how to do it. Normally I would need a letter of permission from him to change dds name but I can apply to change it without his permission if I have a valid reason for not wanting to contact him. Now, I think I do as I don't want to risk him saying no and me having to take him to court to get a court order, which I can't afford.

I also know his DM who I have a good relationship with and she visits to see dd every other weekend, will be hurt that I want to change her name and will tell him that I've done it. So I don't want to tell her until it's done.

So AIBU to just apply for her name change without his permission?

And if you made it to the end of this post well done!

Not unreasonable in the slightest
Do it!!

This is so weird! I can't believe I went through all that crap to change my name. Yes I'm in the UK. Anyway I did that ages ago. I just want me and dd to have the same name. When people say her full name it makes me cringe. I hate it.

The thing is about exH is that he wa so ashamed of himself and that's why he hasn't tried to contact me. I think I'm also worried about divorce and stuff because it means making contact with him through whatever and I don't want him to apply for access. So I kind of want to keep things the same and that's why I don't want to contact him about changing dds name

I don't have anything constructive to add other posters haven't already
But just really want to salute you for pulling out all the stops to protect your child .
This is a horrible situation for you to have come up against
No way should he be allowed near any child in my view .

I wish you and your daughter a very happy future op
You are great

Awww thank you thats sweet.

I am on benefits as I work 16 hours a week and dd goes to nursery 3 days a week so does it sound like I could get some help with fees for divorce?

I'd suggest you find a new solicitor for the divorce if the last one made you obtain H's permission to change your own name.

Just go ahead

And for God's sake, divorce the fucker. Crowdfund it. I'll send you some money.

Have there been some crossed wires and you were told to get permission for the child's name change rather than your own?

Are you in the UK?

What happens if you make an application for a change of name without his involvement and are unsuccessful? Can you withdraw or does he have to be told? What happens if you change her name informally?

At some point you’re going to have to tackle daddy being a monster. That’s a lot more difficult than surnames.

It wasn't the solicitor that said i needed his permission. It was on the forms I downloaded from the deed poll site. Then I had to have a solicitor and witnesses sign it.

I've got the forms for dd's name change. It's very clear it says i need his permission as he's on the birth certificate. I can apply without permission but have to send a letter exaplining why I don't want to contact him. I don't think he gets told I've applied. But if it's unsuccessful I'll have to have a letter of permission from him anyway

You don't need any letter of permission from him to change your surname (assuming you're in England/Wales) - who told you that you do?
You need his permission or a court order to change dd's surname. You say in your op that you can apply but then you say you don't want to take him to court - the application is made to court, so I'm not sure what you mean. He would be notified of an application to court & a judge would make the decision based on dd's best interests. Given what he has done, hopefully the judge will agree with you. You could change her name informally now, but you couldn't get a passport in the new name so it would have to be done properly at some point.
The cost of the divorce would depend on your income. You don't have to go through a solicitor, you can do it yourself. The court fee can be reduced or waived if you have a low income or receive certain benefits. Same with the fee to apply to change dd's surname.

Ah I didn't realise that the application goes to court anyway. I meant that if he refuses to give permission I'd have to apply for a court order anyway to change her name.

So if i send off the application with the letter saying why I don't want to contact him will he be notified that I have made the application?

I think that in the financial settlement you can have him as respondent have to pay the court fees. Obviously you'd have to pay the cost to start with, £550, but should be awarded costs at the end. If he's on the Sex Offenders Register surely you'd have grounds not to allow access?

www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

YANBU in the slightest.

Another one who would happily help to pay for you to divorce this fucker.

He's on the register for a non contact offence, for which he got a suspended sentence. He will doubtless have been required to engage with counselling/ therapy services as part of his probation. As such a family court is likely to grant supervised access if he sought it, as there is no evidence of any risk to the child.

And that's what I'm worried about anais. But I don't trust him and don't want dd anywhere near him. She doesn't know him and he doesn't deserve to know her

The court would notify him of your application because he's got parental responsibility. The nature of his offences, the link to dd by surname would be a good reason to apply BUT as a pp mentioned, the court would look at contact too if he asked them to so it might be opening a can of worms. Do you really want to take the risk?

Can't you just call her what you like and she can choose later?

Do whatever you can YANBU.
Best wishes

Would it be worth waiting until she is a bit older, in the hope that it might make him less likely to go for contact if more time has passed?

I can totally understand that you would like to change as soon as possible. But, if he is leaving you alone right now, it might be worth letting that status quo carry on a bit longer.

She is two. If he went for supervised contact now, one of the reasons he may get it is that she'd be too young to remember not knowing him - it wouldn't be traumatic for introductions to start etc.

If you lie low until she is 7 or 8... that is a totally different kettle of fish and you could fight it partly on the grounds that it is too late and that her relationships with her family are established and she should not be subjected to the upheaval.

You could unofficially change her name in the meantime and she could be 'known as' at school etc. MIL doesn't need to know that - keep MIL away from anything to do with school and refuse permission for her image to be used online etc.

You could then apply for the official name change when she is out of the 'danger age' of being a toddler who it would be easy to introduce to a new daddy figure.

I think you may need to go to court ( even though you have valid grounds) it may be cheaper to get permission. Have you thought of double barreling but instead adding the new surname last - then effectively dropping the current surname making it an unused middle name Your dd would still have it as part of her legal surname but would not need to use it day to day. Your dd could then choose when she is 18 to drop it legally or not. It would keep the peace with family ect. Although I think you are completely justified in changing her name and have no doubt you will be allowed by the court to do so even if you exh opposes it. The problem is the cost and time

So basically you want to do nothing to shift the status quo because it may give him the impetus to get the ball rolling for contact and you'll do anything to avoid that? YANBU.

I'd apply for the namechange without his consent and add in a letter stating that you don't want to ask his permission because he has been sentenced for offences relating to images of sexual abuse of a child, and as a result you don't want him involved in any decisions pertaining to his child.

YANBU. So glad you are changing your daughter’s name. You must have about the best reason imaginable for not seeking his permission.

Thank you for all your replies and support it really means a lot. Maybe i should have a chat with my family and see what they think as well

Yanbu, not in the slightest.
In the meantime you have the right to use whichever name you like. My DD has a different known name to the one that's on her birth certificate, at the doctor's, dentist, school, etc.