To consider egg donation for third DC at 44?

[underlinethat]

Just that really. I have two beautiful DC, and have always been desperate for a third. I have had three losses in the past two years and have accepted that my eggs are not up to it. I am though pretty good according to past experience at getting and staying pregnant. I have been devastated by the losses we have suffered and feel strongly that there is somebody missing from our family.

I have started to consider egg donation, but somehow, for a third, this seems ... wrong. I don't know why - something to do with being greedy, and feeling that I should be satisfied with what I have got (for which I am very lucky). It feels as though if you have no children, or would like a sibling for one, egg donation is 'justified.' But for a third ... maybe it's a bit mad? Also ... I would be 45 by the time a child arrived, if, that is, it worked out.

What does everyone think? Please be kind if you can - recent losses have left me a little delicate!

I am 42 and (fingers crossed, scan next week) 7 weeks pregnant with my third and only natural with DH (he already has 3)

I am bracing myself for the selfish and stupid comments (already getting them from adult DSD)

We were also through IVF (my eggs, his sperm) as DH’s sperm are basically blind and immobile!!!

You are doing NOTHING wrong, you are not “too old”, lots of women start later for career/finance reasons and this isn’t even your first, so totally “normal” age

You deserve the happiness that this little squidge will bring, and I wish you well xx

Taboo subject. In the end, donated eggs often come from desperate women, who do it either for money (in a number of countries) or because it's the only way they can afford IVF (eggs for a discount). I would think (but could be wrong) that those women who do agree to give their eggs (a painful and even potentially dangerous process) for free do so to give a woman/man a chance to experience the joy of parenting rather than to have a third child because you're having one of those last chance urge to give birth.

I do feel for you though. I 'only' suffered one loss but then never got pregnant again and had to accept that I would never be a mum for a third time (different father who was childless so making it harder to cope with). Went through years of heartbreak but got over it and now genuinely relieved as I frankly couldn't imagine our lives with a little one.

Have you consider speaking to a fertility counsellor?

Mn has encouraged me to ttc at 46!! Do what you need to op!!

Swingofthings - I am shamefully ill-informed on egg donation, in this country specifically, is there a shortage?

Thanks both. You see, I see it from both perspectives. I agree swing, that's exactly my reasoning, that to go with egg donation you should be really desperate, because for example you have no children, or really want a sibling for one, as I said. I can see this as an extremely selfish urge from my point of view. But then that also sort of implies that children who are donor egg conceived are necessarily damaged by it, or 'second best', and I don't think that is the case at all.

Should also have said congrats carbo - and good luck!

@underlinethat Do whatever you feel is right for YOU. Any fertility journey is such a personal matter that only you know the answers to your own questions. Having gone through a rollercoaster IVF journey I’m expecting my first child at 42 (I get induced on Friday!!!eeek). I’m a member of a couple of fertility groups online for over 40’s and you are certainly not alone with how you are feeling right now. We also have two Frosties which we intend to use in two years time. Good luck with your decision x

Swingofthings - I am shamefully ill-informed on egg donation, in this country specifically, is there a shortage?
Yes, there is a big shortage. In the UK, most eggs come from women who have good eggs but can't get pregnant usually because of their DH sperm but if they are not eligible for NHS funding (because DH had a child many years ago, or they are over 40, or they had their go on the NHS but was unsuccessful and not entitled to more), a number of clinics offer a reduce rate if they agree to give away the eggs they do not use (as clinics can only put back 2 embryos, often only 1 nowadays).

I believe a number of these women will have no moral issues with it and indeed would be delighted to know that they can help another women, but some do find it hard, firstly to live with the fact that there could be a biological child of theirs somewhere, but even worse if they themselves don't succeed at becoming pregnant yet have to live with the fact that a woman is potentially pregnant with her eggs.

But then that also sort of implies that children who are donor egg conceived are necessarily damaged by it, or 'second best', and I don't think that is the case at all.
I don't think that either.

i donated 7 eggs on a shared basis 18yrs ago

i know the rules regarding knowing the donor have changed but iwas under the old rules

i have no regrets or sadness etc about donating my eggs and never felt attached to them,i have no idea if they took and have never had a moral dilema about it

go for it op

Thanks first time and congrats!

I feel I have to decide soon. There are family dynamics to consider. How would my kids feel for example? I guess fine, if I explained.

My dad is actually my stepdad but it makes no difference at all - he brought me up and is entirely my dad. And I have a half sister who I am extremely close too who is NOTHING like me, as is often the way with full sisters too! So I guess what i’m Saying is that genes mean relatively little, to me at least. My two dcs are often total mysteries to me!

I really would not want to take eggs from a desperate woman, but I also think if I had been unable to have kids, I would gladly have donated in return for treatment, and been happy not to be anonymous too. I would assume that any set of parents going through this process would give their baby the best home they could. There must be egg donors who feel the same?

Gah - to, not too! Grammar police needed!

but you would never know if they were desperate

when i shared mine the eggs i kept resulted in twins,i was lucky that it worked first time and got cheaper treatment

i have no regrets

To me it just feels like you're staying on a rollercoaster you can't control. Adding several extra dimensions and things that can go wrong by involving an egg donor. How does your partner feel about this? Would they be genetically related to the embryo? I imagine you'd have to go overseas; how much can you afford?

I'm not a person who makes decisions based on "feelings". Only you can decide if this is what you want to do.

@ChristmasPudding1 - I think you are ace, potentially you have made 7 (or more if split eggs!) beautiful little babies for very lucky families

I did offer to donate, but they didn’t want my ancient eggs!

@Underline - thanks for the wishes

like i said mine was before the rule change and personally didnt want a child looking for me in years to come

with changing the rules they have created a real shortage of egg and sperm donars and i imagine its even more expensive

But for a third ... maybe it's a bit mad?

My gut reaction is...yes. Sorry. I can understand the desire for a third child but I think you are setting yourself up for unnecessary heartache.

No - I see that Christmas.

So I guess there is a danger that I could take eggs from a woman who was desperate, and I agree, that would be wrong.

And swing - thanks for your thoughts. I completely see your point, there is of course a massive moral and ethical issue here. As I say, I do think this moral issue is somehow much reduced for a women trying for one or perhaps two, but somehow for a third it feels bigger.

Re: not going for another one, there has never been a time for me when I did not want to add to our family. I felt it after our second, and carried on feeling it (seven years down the line). During that time, a number of issues made it impractical, and by then I was 42, hence my several losses. So this is not necessarily a sudden thing, facing the menopause. I have always felt strongly that one member of our family is not here!

But ... I know I am being very selfish even to consider it.

you have 2 existing children and then you would have one conceived by donor? I think that could potentially be quite divisive in a family, particularly if you are open about the donor process. The recommendation is to be open with donor conceived children about their origins (c/f current thinking on adoption). See Donor Conceived Network for more info.

I also thought that in the UK anonymity had been removed from the donor adults so that donor conceived children could trace biological parents and learn about their history if needed. I didnt agree with the change in law - I think it has caused other issues and weakened the strong UK fertility rules. Some aspects greatly concerned me back then and I dont think the situation has improved. I couldnt face using my "wealth" to buy "anonymous" eggs from poor women selling eggs to clinics in Cyprus, Spain etc. But I know women (and men who use overseas female surrogates) now bypass UK fertility laws all the time by going abroad.

I have a wonderful DC conceived by egg donation some years ago. To be clear my DC is not second best or damaged (in my eyes). In fact they are even more special because they were so wanted.

carbthanks,i really hope an embryo was made and the parents got to experience having a child,its something that is taken for granted sometimes

A lot of people who are older than you have used egg donation to have children. Ask anyone who works in maternity services they'd be able to offer countless stories I reckon.

Allegretto - I know. It does seem a bit crazed doesn't it. I do want to hear that too! The likelihood of us going ahead, given all the obstacles, is quite low.

lljkk - I wish that feelings did not come into my decision making. But then on the other hand, some of the best decisions I have ever made originated in feelings (and some of the worst too, now I think about it)! But I don't think feelings can be entirely discounted.

I probably need to speak to my Mum and she will tell me that I am being ridiculous.

I think it would be unfair on dc3. And while it doesn't matter to you, It may to them.

greenlanes - why do you think it would be divisive? Just asking out of interest, I'd be interested to hear what you think.

As background, I have four sisters, one of whom is biologically a half sister - as this one would be should it ever happen. There have been issues over the years, but nothing major. The issues experienced in our family have related to money in part - my younger sister has had a lot more of it, due to a rich and generous granny. But, we all love each other, and that has genuinely been more important than any other factor relating to genes and biology. Funnily enough one of my full sisters is partially estranged from the family which is very sad.

I guess again I am trying to say that biology is not that important BUT - a very big but - I recognise that I get the choice to make that statement, whereas a baby conceived using a donor egg does not, and perhaps from what you say, the woman donating the egg did not have a great deal of choice either. And that is really important. Also, the baby conceived from a donor egg would not know their biological mother. Again, I (chose not to) know my biological father.

So much to think about.

Also should add that of course the issues around money mentioned above would not arise should I have a third DC as there would be no difference in treatment!

Hi greenpurple - again, totally respect your opinion, this is what I was looking for. Why do you think it would be unfair? Would it be unfair if I had just one biological child, and a second conceived from a donor egg? Genuinely curious about what you think about this, this is really helping me. .