To consider egg donation for third DC at 44?

[underlinethat]

Just that really. I have two beautiful DC, and have always been desperate for a third. I have had three losses in the past two years and have accepted that my eggs are not up to it. I am though pretty good according to past experience at getting and staying pregnant. I have been devastated by the losses we have suffered and feel strongly that there is somebody missing from our family.

I have started to consider egg donation, but somehow, for a third, this seems ... wrong. I don't know why - something to do with being greedy, and feeling that I should be satisfied with what I have got (for which I am very lucky). It feels as though if you have no children, or would like a sibling for one, egg donation is 'justified.' But for a third ... maybe it's a bit mad? Also ... I would be 45 by the time a child arrived, if, that is, it worked out.

What does everyone think? Please be kind if you can - recent losses have left me a little delicate!

I donated eggs altruistically because many of my friends had struggled to conceive and I wanted to help someone else have a baby. I know at least one child was born as a result of my donation and having seen a friend go through secondary infertility, I couldn’t give a monkeys if that baby was the first or third child for that woman. If I wasn’t too old, I would donate again. It was no big deal, a few injectables, a couple of days off work and boom! I knocked someone up.

If you haven’t already, I would suggest contacting DCN (Donor Conception Network) and/or NGDT (National Gamete Donation Trust) for support, guidance and up to date information on donor egg availability in the UK.

Both the above organisations can help with factual information which might help you make your decision (so much is mis-reported in the media/hearsay)

Such a personal thing, I wouldn’t presume to offer any thoughts on what you should do, other than that you should do what is right for you and your family

Good luck with it (I have suffered infertility, loss and have donor conceived children so I do empathise - not an easy decision to make)

Hi Teddybee. That is really such an amazing thing to have done. If my eggs were not so totally over cooked, having felt the heartache of not being able to conceive, I think I would donate too. Wish I had thought of it earlier.

Thanks suitcase, that is really helpful. I have very little (no) knowledge of the practicalities of this, so I will definitely look at those sites.

I should probably add that I have another worry. My last loss was in May 2017. I do recognise that it would be sensible in some ways to wait longer to see if this desperate yearning for a baby dissipates. But I don't have the luxury of time at this point.

Hi Under, I have 1 DC - conceived using a donor egg before the UK law changed. If I had been successful with a second donor pregnancy - I would have 1 DC who had no rights to know their biological donor and the 2nd DC who would have had that right. I felt that could possibly upset the sibling relationship in the future and I was not prepared to take that risk, so we didnt proceed with a 2nd donor attempt. I suppose I felt that one DC would almost be more favoured over the other, if that makes sense?

I am curious though why you say "the baby conceived from a donor egg would not know their biological mother"? I know that the recipient parents dont have to communicate the donor process, but could you imagine finding out as a teenager/adult that you were a donor child and your siblings were not?

This is the DCN webpage. www.dcnetwork.org/ (I havent actually yet joined myself - keep thinking I should!)

I'm donor conceived (sperm) and my mum went on to have two children naturally conceived with my step dad. It hasn't been easy being the only child that looks totally different etc but that may have happened anyway as they have a different dad. It sort of made the whole thing easier.

I think I'd have found it a lot lot harder if I didn't have a step dad and my sisters were biologically the result of my mum and dad, and I was the only one that wasn't. And I'd have found it a million times harder if it was a donor egg, rather than sperm. My mum feels like my only biological link in many ways and I've needed that.

She's always told me that I was made because she wanted me so so much and she thought it was the only way she could have a child. That has helped, but nevertheless it has caused me all sorts of identity issues. It can be very hard to now know where you biologically come from and it's caused me a fair bit of anxiety.

It has worked out ok for the most part, but what I'd say is that it really isn't an easy road for all involved.

Oh and I didn't find out until I was a teenager- which was completely awful and I felt I'd been lied to my whole life.

I think your feelings will run their course. I know you don't feel like it now but I doubt you will feel so strongly in another year or two. I wonder whether a few counselling sessions to get some sense of peace with your losses would be a better option than egg donation.

Hatchetface, thanks for giving your perspective, I really appreciate that and it is helpful. I am really sorry you have struggled with your identity.

Greenlanes, if I said that, it was not what I meant! I would absolutely expect that any child conceived via a donor would have the right and ability to contact their biological mother. And if I did this, I would build this into our family's story from day one, I think it would be a betrayal to the child and their siblings to keep it a secret. Although I don't want to sound disrespectful to anybody who takes a different approach. I do know somebody who has done this (one biological child who is now 10, one conceived via an egg donor and is now 4). I sort of understand, but I think it's going to be so problematic when she tells them both - which she has no plans for at the moment.

Would you be prepared to adopt? You could give yourself the time to see if the 'feeling passes' and still have a third child..

I know George. I think that is possible too - although seven months after the last loss, and seven years after my last DC, the feelings are still very strong!

Onceupon - I don't know about adoption ... so here's the shamefully selfish part of this, but I have read around this, and have seen that many children given up for adoption have significant developmental problems, often from fetal alcohol syndrome. I do not know if this is true, I would need to find out more, but speaking honestly, I am not sure I am strong enough to deal with this, or could justify the attention taken away from my two existing DC, who I think could come to resent this significantly.

I do recognise of course that a child I give birth to could also have those problems, or that one of my own DC could develop problems too. However, I think I could manage that if I had already bonded, if that makes sense - and I would have very little choice!

I wish I was a bigger and better person in this respect.

OP, if you chose to have an altruistic donor from the UK you will have a longer wait time but perhaps more peace of mind as to the well-being of both the donor and any potential child. That way you will be able to say honestly to any child that you made the best choices you could by choosing a donor who made a gift of her own free will, and by ensuring the possibility for the child to make contact with the donor. I don’t think your age is a barrier. The main issue would be how all your children would feel about the differences in their origins, and what HachetFace says about her situation is important. DCN would put you in touch with families in similar situations and advise on how to handle this. I doubt you would be alone in taking this route. As you have already mentioned, being open and honest from the start will help you avoid some of the issues. Good luck.

Of course, people chose other kinds of donors from abroad and from egg-share programs because this will suit their needs better. No criticism intended of anyone who has made those choices - my comments were in response to what the OP said about her worries regarding the egg donors.

I've thought about donor eggs to try and conceive a second child. I have one DC who is 5 and his biological dad didn't want to be involved, and I've now got a new partner who has no children but really wants them. I am 42 and we've been trying for 18 months or so. I feel bad that he won't get a chance for a second child and that my son won't have a sibling. Plus my son doesn't know his bio dad - is it that different if another child doesn't know their bio mum? Maybe it is... This thread has been interesting though. Good luck OP. I think you should do what your gut say.

There are loads of logical reasons why not. The cost, the impact on your existing family of IVF, the impact on your children of a much younger half-sibling. An over-populated world. Risks to your health. What opportunities you might not be able to give your 2 lovely children if you have a third. The reason to? Your perimenopausal hormonal brain desperately wants another throw of the genetic dice before the game is over. I think a lot of us struggle with that mid-life thing, having to realise that you will never again feel the flutter of life under your ribs, a newborn at your breast.

You don't mention what your husband thinks/feels. If what you both feel that you really want, should have and can cope with a large family there are loads of kids out there who need your love.

Good luck whatever you decide

Thanks makeroom. I would be interested in speaking to families who have been in a similar situation. One of the issues on my mind is that any third child would have less time with me as I am older! Hopefully I would live to a grand old age and be there for them but it would be a comfort if not if they were close to their siblings. I know that can never be guaranteed but I would not want a third DC to feel different or less wanted/special. Or vice versa I suppose.

Do you happen to know how long the waiting list is roughly in the UK?

It's not selfish at all.

I know a lot of women do it because they are desperate, but my mum donated her eggs in her early 30's, purely because she wanted others to have children and didn't want them to go to waste.

She's now in her mid forties, had a hysterectomy and is very happy with her decision.

I think it varies a lot from clinic to clinic. I waited 7 months for an altruistic donor. I think the wait may be shorter for egg-share.

So now thatcthe moral part hasbeen considered and we can conclude there's no right or wrong the other thing to consider is the process. It's very consuming emotionally physically and certainly financially. You have been able to fall pregnant easily before but that doesn't mean you would this way. How many goes would you prepare to go through? Until what age, What cost? How would you feel having spent over £10-20k and it fails? Could you be then filled with regrets of what you could have afforded for your children with that money?

More matters to consider for a natural urge that could disappear in a year or so. Mine went at about 43. If someone had said that would be the case when I was 41 and my desire for a child was very much an obsession I wouldn't gave believed them. It went to whatever happens at 42 to it's ok if it doesn't at 43 to 'oh my god it would be a nightmare' at 45!

Those are very good points swing.

And missydice - I hear what you are saying. I agree - the last thing this planet needs is for me to bring another child into it. I KNOW that. In my head. In my heart, I feel differently of course. I hope you don't mind me asking, but did you/have you struggled with that midlife thing? How many DC do you have and did it go away? Don't answer of course if these questions are intrusive.

I know this is mad. I need to stop considering it even. And maybe this is just displacement activity while I come to terms with what is. (And silently pray for a mid-life miracle with one more throw of the dice.)

PS swing - I don't believe you although I want to! Although I think I can sort of believe that this desperate urge and grief may dissipate, but that the regret will stay with me forever perhaps.

I don't blame you I woyldnt have believed it either at the time!

The main reason I felt so different is because I suddenly started to feel much more tired than I was only a few years before and suddenly the thought of being up at night, early in the mornings, hours to get baby back to sleep started to feel like climbing a mountain!

Then there was the fact that it came when my youngest started secondary school and I started to remember the you of doing things for myself without dragging them or having to arrange childcare.

Because of the years of planning to achieve I had to find myself something to replace this so I took on sport and signed up for my first triathlon. It became my new goal and the obsession. The endorphins thst kicked in from the traìning really helped me psychologically.

Then the money. Both DH and I work FT. If we had a baby I would have had to reduce my hours or pay a lot for childcare (not entitled to tax credits). We'd started to go on fantastic holidays, did my first cruise and enjoy these a lot so the idea of giving them up again helped again. That and reusing that travelling without a baby/toddler was much more enjoyable!

As said year on year these took over the maternal urge and at 47 I have totally accepted myself as a mum of an 18yo about to leave home and a 15yo who rather spend time with his friends! It's nice to do things for me again and to have time and energy to enjoy being a wife!

If you reject gametes donated under an egg share program on 'ethical' grounds, remember that you are potentially denying another couple the opportunity to have a child through IVF that they wouldn't otherwise have been able to afford.