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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DD as "best woman" at DS' wedding

102 replies

MyMagicStars · 03/01/2018 17:22

My DS is 27, DD is 19. We have other children, and are a big, close and happy family. DS is due to get married in a few days time.
He and DD are incredibly close. DS was adopted as a teenager, so I think their bond is because some of my older sons struggle to see him as a "brother" in the way DD does- they are all civil and very friendly, but I think the older boys did struggle slightly with jealousy. We never planned to adopt, but DS was a family friend's son, and had nobody else when his mum died when he was 13. I love him as I love all of my children, and he calls me "mum" and is every bit my wonderful son.
However, in planning the wedding, I'm beginning to think that the older boys could do with being involved more. Instead of a best man, DD is the "best girl". I suggested that she should be a bridesmaid, but she claims that she's her brother's best woman, and isn't nearly as close with his fiancée, although they like each other very much. DD's dress was chosen today (thanks DS for leaving it so late) and it's gorgeous, but very much a bridesmaid dress. The boys all have matching suits, and I feel it would be so much more suitable if they were DS' ushers.
DD has written a lovely speech and talks about the three families coming together, which is a very special touch. She and DS are currently out riding together, and are due to come in absolutely filthy any minute, and then put together some table favours.
I'm very excited for the wedding, but I do feel a bit odd about DDs role- am I just old fashioned? I have other DDs, and am not sure how I'd feel about this either. DS does have lots of male friends, but they're in the army, and it was difficult to find anyone who could be guaranteed to be free.

OP posts:
leiaorganashair · 03/01/2018 17:24

I would leave them to get on with it. It's his wedding. If he and DD are happy with her role why does it matter?

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 17:24

Its entirely his decision and they're close so why shouldn't he have his sister as best woman? I don't think you shld be bringing anything like this up a few days before the wedding either

SylviaTietjens · 03/01/2018 17:25

It’s a really lovely thing for your ds to do. I am struggling to see exactly what your issue is?

MessyBun247 · 03/01/2018 17:25

Let them be happy.

JollyGiraffe · 03/01/2018 17:26

YABvU

Lovely333 · 03/01/2018 17:26

Sorry yes I do think you are being a bit old fashioned, I actually think it sounds a lovely idea.

thethoughtfox · 03/01/2018 17:26

It's wonderful and not unusual anymore.

Fekko · 03/01/2018 17:26

God that's so lovely. He is a lucky boy to have you and his sister!

JessYouMe · 03/01/2018 17:27

Is there really much difference? She'll be supporting your son on his big day which is the most important thing. I think you're a bit over invested in their roles.

Sirzy · 03/01/2018 17:27

I think it’s lovely. He has obviously picked the person he is closest to irrespective of traditional gender roles.

TunaSushi · 03/01/2018 17:27

It sounds ideal as it is.

Wollstonecraft1 · 03/01/2018 17:27

Just leave them to it, it sounds lovely. Their bond sounds lovely too.

treeofhearts · 03/01/2018 17:27

I'd let them get on with it. She has a point. Bridesmaids tend to be closer to the bride and she isn't. If brides can have page boys then why can't grooms have a best woman.?

Greyponcho · 03/01/2018 17:27

Sounds like it’ll be a beautiful heartfelt service. Very few stick to traditions these days

SlickBubbles · 03/01/2018 17:27

Leave them. It's their wedding, not yours. It would be fake for him to have his brothers involved if they don't treat him like brothers. He's planned his wedding, he and your DAD are happy. Leave it and enjoy it.

SlickBubbles · 03/01/2018 17:27

DD not dad

BlackBetha · 03/01/2018 17:28

It sounds a lovely idea to me (and having a 'best woman' is certainly not unheard of these days). How nice that they're so close.

Is it the fact that his brothers are less involved/have a less close relationship with him that's really bothering you, rather than the 'best woman' thing in itself? Unfortunately you can't force people to feel things they don't - some siblings will end up being close as adults, and others not so much (I don't have much of a relationship with mine, sadly).

KidLorneRoll · 03/01/2018 17:28

"am I just old fashioned?"

Yes, let them be happy. I've been at weddings where there has been a best woman and a bridesman. Makes no odds at all.

RatRolyPoly · 03/01/2018 17:28

I'm not sure if there's something unwritten here that you're intimating, but assuming there isn't I do think you're being old-fashioned. It sounds like an all-round fine idea, certainly if the other siblings feel fine about it. Sure, the other brothers could have been ushers (are there any ushers at all??), but why expand the wedding party gratuitously if it makes no difference? At first glance I can't see your issue really. Perhaps I'm missing something.

TammySwansonTwo · 03/01/2018 17:28

You're being massively unreasonable. They are extremely close, he's not as close to his brothers- I think it's absolutely beautiful that their bond is so strong that he wants her in that important role regardless of convention. That's a wonderful and heartwarming thing. Why is it bothering you so much?

My mum walked me down the aisle at my wedding and did a speech - no idea if some people thought it was weird, I couldn't care less.

Changeusername · 03/01/2018 17:29

Yes uabvu and old fashioned. Whats the point in having another ds as best man if its not going to mean anything except to please you ?

It his wedding. His day. Let him get on with it.

LittleCandle · 03/01/2018 17:29

I have a friend who was a 'bridesboy' last summer at his friend's wedding. Nobody looked twice. I think its a lovely idea.

PanannyPanoo · 03/01/2018 17:29

It sounds absolutely lovely to me. He wants her to take the most important role from his position in the marriage. You have said it all really, bridesmaids are to assist the bride, best man is there for the groom and he wants her.

I would advise you to keep your concerns to yourself. No it isn't conventional, but it is what your son and daughter, and daughter in law to be have chosen, so that is all you need to know.

Support them and be proud that you gave your son a family that means so much to him. Which for a 13 year old who has lost his mum, must have be an incredible challenge.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/01/2018 17:30

Their business.

TheSameCoin · 03/01/2018 17:30

I’ve been to two weddings with a best woman instead of a best man and they were both lovely. You do seem a bit old fashioned. It sounds like your DS and DD have a lovely bond and it’s wonderful he wants to celebrate that at his wedding.