About DD as "best woman" at DS' wedding

[MyMagicStars]

My DS is 27, DD is 19. We have other children, and are a big, close and happy family. DS is due to get married in a few days time.
He and DD are incredibly close. DS was adopted as a teenager, so I think their bond is because some of my older sons struggle to see him as a "brother" in the way DD does- they are all civil and very friendly, but I think the older boys did struggle slightly with jealousy. We never planned to adopt, but DS was a family friend's son, and had nobody else when his mum died when he was 13. I love him as I love all of my children, and he calls me "mum" and is every bit my wonderful son.
However, in planning the wedding, I'm beginning to think that the older boys could do with being involved more. Instead of a best man, DD is the "best girl". I suggested that she should be a bridesmaid, but she claims that she's her brother's best woman, and isn't nearly as close with his fiancée, although they like each other very much. DD's dress was chosen today (thanks DS for leaving it so late) and it's gorgeous, but very much a bridesmaid dress. The boys all have matching suits, and I feel it would be so much more suitable if they were DS' ushers.
DD has written a lovely speech and talks about the three families coming together, which is a very special touch. She and DS are currently out riding together, and are due to come in absolutely filthy any minute, and then put together some table favours.
I'm very excited for the wedding, but I do feel a bit odd about DDs role- am I just old fashioned? I have other DDs, and am not sure how I'd feel about this either. DS does have lots of male friends, but they're in the army, and it was difficult to find anyone who could be guaranteed to be free.

Oh wow I think this is absolutely lovely, I would love to be so close with my brother, your only feeling should be one of pride and happiness, it's weird you think anything otherwise to be honest

Yes, you're old fashioned. When DH and I were first planning our wedding, I had every intention of having my brother as my best man, and I wasn't going to have any bridesmaids. As it was, we went abroad and married just the two of us so it didn't matter anyway.

I think it's a lovely idea. I've always found it a bit weird when brides have something that's not their friend as a bridesmaid. My mum had her sister (not weird) and my dad's cousin, with whom she wasn't close but people wanted her involved (super weird).

My son had his very best friend as his best woman for his wedding it was lovely she was and still is his best friend and his now wife didn't have a problem with it and for her wedding last year she had him as her brides man as she wanted him as part of her wedding party

What a gorgeous family you sound .. 'out riding together' sounds so wholesome and lovely, I want to be one of your dc too (I'm a bot old though!!)

I think you need to keep quiet ... if your sons were ushers would you still be against DD being best woman? My MIL and her other half gave my now DH some grief about him not picking his DB to be an usher: DH and his DB have never been close, and it would have meant dropping a close friend in order to accommodate him. DH got upset about it at the time, and as your DS's wedding is very soon, I think voicing your opinion now would be very unwelcome. I really don't understand why parents can't just accept what their children want - why is what you think/want more important? It's not your day. YABVVU.

OP, is your DD the only girl? If so, and she is close to your DS, then this is a brilliant way for him to give her a special role as his main supporter without singling out one of his brothers to be best man (and possibly having the other brothers feel sidelined IYSWIM?)

My brother had a "best woman" at his wedding (his best female friend) instead of a best man. I think it's lovely.

Yabu and old fashioned, yes. If he thinks of your DD that highly then why not? You should be glad he has that bond with at least one of your other children and not expect him to expand his party for your expectations. You might have been thinking but leave it there, it's not your wedding to pay too much thought about.

As others have said YABVU. It's your DS' wedding and if he wants his sister as 'best woman' then that's his prerogative. And it's definitely not something to bring up days before the wedding.

I've known plenty of ' best women' and 'men of honor' (instead of maids) and loved that weddings have been what the couple have wanted. You are being very old fashioned.

It all sounds lovely. Better he chooses his favourite sibling than upsets the rest of the siblings by choosing based on sex. Please don’t share your misgivings and put a downer on a happy day.

We had a 'best woman' instead of a chief bridesmaid and that was over 20 years ago so it isn't a new thing.

I think the other boys are slightly put out- because over 14 years, they are close, even if not as close as traditional brothers, and they have put up with a lot- lots of appointments, the three of them ended up sharing a room as DS needed quiet to cope, and I think they are slightly sad that DD is quite obvious in her preference- obviously DD adores her 4 big brothers and has them wrapped around her finger, but it probably is a bit hurtful- eg, riding was something very special between her and DS1, and now she tends to head for DS(2). I don't think she does it deliberately at all, and DS2 isn't at home often with working away, but it probably does sting for the older boys.
In terms of being a bridesmaid, the 3 other DDS (8 children altogether) are doing this, and have similar dresses to DD4s. I think I'm just a little sad my boys are excluded, and probably, like a poster said, this is the problem. I do feel a little guilty at times towards them, even though I'm incredibly proud of all 8, as taking on DS2 was a lot of work for several years. The four boys do get on, but the three were very close and are quite similar, and DS2 tends to be sportier and less quiet/arty/outdoorsy. I could suggest that they each pick a nice photo of their brother and write a message for him, as a personal touch to the day.
I guess I am a little old fashioned, but I want the wedding to be absolutely perfect for my friend and my DS2, and for her to be looking down on it and smiling. She was DD4's godmother, so maybe it is fitting after all.

Aw they sound lovely. What a special bond. If no-one else has a problem with it then please leave them to it and enjoy the day!

I can't speak to the feelings of exclusion, but I can see what you're getting at.

My DP is having his sister as his best woman at our wedding, as they are very close, and have cared for each other a lot over the past few years. I fully support his choice in the same way he's supported my choice to have one of my sisters and not the other as bridesmaid. It's their wedding, and they're obviously old enough to make these choices for themselves. I think your best bet is to just quietly mention to your DS that the other brothers would love to have some part in the wedding if possible and help to make that happen if he agrees.

YABU - it's not unusual any more. I was best woman for a male friend, and the "maid" of honour was a man. Have been to another wedding where that was the case too. I wore a bridesmaids dress, but had a flower pin like the ushers instead of a bouquet. The speech was nervewracking but fun and I was so honoured to be included. Your DD probably feels the same - it's lovely that they are so close. It would not be appropriate to be a bridesmaid if she doesn't know the bride well.

YANBU if your concern is more that your other DCs may feel left out. But still, it's your DS's choice.

I'm a woman who missed out on being "best man" at a wedding because the parents would have had heart attacks apparently.

So there wasn't a best man because the groom didn't have anyone else he wanted to ask. Irony - I'd never bridesmaid but I would happily have stood as his best man, made a speech etc. We went to school together. I'm godparent to his DC. It's a shame, it would have been right for us to stand together that way.

YABHUGELYU! I've been to three weddings with Best Women. It's lovely that he wants to honour the special relationship he has with his sister.

I think your misgivings are just a small bit of generational culture clash. Just enjoy the day. Your son has found a woman he loves and is marrying her. Who is by his side and what they are wearing isn't really the focus of the day is it? He has his favourite sibling in the role of his closest supporter, she loves him, really sees him as a brother and will be what he needs on his way to the next phase of his life. Look for the symbolism and the love, not the outward appearance of dresses or suits and who stands where.

Sounds like you have a lovely family. If the issue is that the boys are / feel excluded where all the other children have a role, I don't see any issue with gently asking DS2 if a token role to include them in the grooms party might be an idea so as to make everyone feel included.

Others might disagree and think this intrusive but perhaps your DS2 is just not aware. I think it could be mentioned without drama. Although in truth it's a bit close to the wedding now.

Not sure how he would have chosen between the three boys for a best man anyway.

I'm sure it will be a lovely day

With all due respect stars, 7 siblings to accommodate in a wedding party is a huge number! DF is having one of his six cousins and we apologetically explained that one we had factored in close friends we just couldn't have everyone. It's not just money, it's logistcally a nightmare for photos, making sure everyone is prepped - in a family as big as yours it was always going to be a struggle. It's not like he's just left one brother out or something.

Excellent post BoomBooms!

The other brothers aren't being excluded from the wedding? They just don't have the roles you want them to have. But it's your son's wedding and his choice. It's absolutely reasonable to choose the person he is most comfortable with to be his "best person". Do you have fixed ideas about who should best man if/when your other sons get married?

It sounds lovely. I think I would have a quiet word & ask your DS to give his brothers some traditional “usher” duties, like showing people to seats or whatever, but otherwise just leave everything as is.

Hope it’s a magical day for you all.

YABvU. Your dress/suit comments make it sound like your more worried about the photographs than your DS having the person he wants standing up there with him as he gets married.

If he's happy to go against convention to allow the sibling that he has the strongest bond with have such an important role then you should be happy too. Why should it be one of his brothers? All that would achieve is still leaving the rest of them out, your DS not having his choice of support at the alter, and upsetting your DD who would likely take it pretty hard. Leave them to it and enjoy the day.