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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DD as "best woman" at DS' wedding

102 replies

MyMagicStars · 03/01/2018 17:22

My DS is 27, DD is 19. We have other children, and are a big, close and happy family. DS is due to get married in a few days time.
He and DD are incredibly close. DS was adopted as a teenager, so I think their bond is because some of my older sons struggle to see him as a "brother" in the way DD does- they are all civil and very friendly, but I think the older boys did struggle slightly with jealousy. We never planned to adopt, but DS was a family friend's son, and had nobody else when his mum died when he was 13. I love him as I love all of my children, and he calls me "mum" and is every bit my wonderful son.
However, in planning the wedding, I'm beginning to think that the older boys could do with being involved more. Instead of a best man, DD is the "best girl". I suggested that she should be a bridesmaid, but she claims that she's her brother's best woman, and isn't nearly as close with his fiancée, although they like each other very much. DD's dress was chosen today (thanks DS for leaving it so late) and it's gorgeous, but very much a bridesmaid dress. The boys all have matching suits, and I feel it would be so much more suitable if they were DS' ushers.
DD has written a lovely speech and talks about the three families coming together, which is a very special touch. She and DS are currently out riding together, and are due to come in absolutely filthy any minute, and then put together some table favours.
I'm very excited for the wedding, but I do feel a bit odd about DDs role- am I just old fashioned? I have other DDs, and am not sure how I'd feel about this either. DS does have lots of male friends, but they're in the army, and it was difficult to find anyone who could be guaranteed to be free.

OP posts:

skinnyamericano · 03/01/2018 17:57

I think it sounds absolutely lovely, and what you did for him as a child was lovely too. That’s what all the guests will think as well.

hibbledibble · 03/01/2018 17:58

Yabu

You sound like a lovely family, and you have been very kind.

In this situation its not up to you though, its up to your ds. If he wants to call your dd his best woman its his choice. His wedding, his choice. As long as him and dd are happy then you have no right to intervene.

RESD · 03/01/2018 18:01

Lovely, it sounds like a great relationship. Be proud that they have that bond.
I was an usher at one of my best friends weddings, if anyone cared, nobody who mattered noticed!

NeverTwerkNaked · 03/01/2018 18:01

Yabu. It’s his choice. It’s only a wedding, it’s only a day. It’s really no big deal.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 03/01/2018 18:01

I understand that your other sons might be a bit hurt but your still very u.

And it's lovely to have all your DC be part of the same entourage.

If DD was a bridesmaid she'd do the bridesmaid-y things and not be with your brother during the wedding preparations....

As for clearly prefering your DD... Maybe.

But isn't it better than picking one of his brothers as best men? picking his Dsis is imo a good way of ensuring that all the brothers feel equal.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 03/01/2018 18:02

She's their little sister and they all love her.
Which means that this is far less likely to cause any jealousy issues than picking one brother over the other.... (imo.)

NeverTwerkNaked · 03/01/2018 18:03

(Taking him in as a teenager was wonderful though. Your whole family should be proud that they helped him when he needed it most)

TheMasterNotMargarita · 03/01/2018 18:04

My brother was my "bridesmaid" 17 years ago and kept my lippy in his sporran.
yabvu.

NotAgainYoda · 03/01/2018 18:06

I was best person at my brother's wedding. Very flattering (and nerve-wracking).

diddl · 03/01/2018 18:06

So she's his "best woman"-as in standing next to him, having the ring/s, making a speech?

And the other 6 brothers/siblings have no role at all?

ImoAsta · 03/01/2018 18:07

It's a great idea! My DH had both his brother and sister as best man and woman as he's very close to both!
It was lovely

RebeccaBunch · 03/01/2018 18:11

yes leave them to it - my DB had a best woman at his wedding, it was what they wanted to do.

RavingRoo · 03/01/2018 18:12

Yabvu. Clearly the boy isn’t as close to his brothers as he is to his sister. Why shouldn’t she be involved?

I think there is probably a lot unsaid or things that you don’t know. Clearly the older kids didn’t view him as a sibling; could they have teased or bullied or excluded him?

DontCallMeBaby · 03/01/2018 18:12

I was my brother's best man because he’d pissed off the two previous best men so much they’d both resigned in turn (I’m his sister - I kept the title 'best man' as that’s what the role was supposed to be). Your DS2 has a much better reason than that, embrace it!

Swissgemma · 03/01/2018 18:14

My brother was my bridesmaid if honour. You are being odd.

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/01/2018 18:25

YABVU

His closest ally and friend is the sibling who accepts him as a sibling. Of course he'd want DD as best woman.

Why are you trying to foist your other sons onto him as ushers when you yourself admit they have never really accepted him as a brother even. I presume because all their matching suits would make a nice photo opportunity.

It is his and his fiancees choice as to who is involved in their wedding and I can imagine a thread where a potential DIL is saying my future MIL is insisting DH to be's sister is my bridesmaid when she is not my family or friend and I have my own bridesmaids!

I'd back off and let them have the day they want and enjoy it.

Your DD sounds lovely, your sons who don't see him as a brother less so!

BothersomeCrow · 03/01/2018 18:30

If he'd chosen a brother as is traditional, there would still be other brothers feeling left out. Might as well go for sister instead.

Though DH and I had a best man each, so not exactly traditional. Parents figured they were lucky we'd gone as traditional as actually having a wedding to someone of the other sex.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 03/01/2018 18:32

Best woman isn't uncommon at all these days.......sounds like they have a lovely bond.

Original poster

MyMagicStars · 03/01/2018 18:36

Your DD sounds lovely, your sons who don't see him as a brother less so!

I think you've got a wrong idea here- my DC are all wonderful. The DS were older than the girls when DS2 was adopted, and they are all happy together, only I do feel that the boys were pushed out slightly- the girls (2 sets of twins) were younger while the boys were going through puberty, starting school, etc, and I couldn't always be there.

To the poster who suggested bullying, this is laughable. My children have been brought up to be kind, and welcoming DS2 is an example. They don't see him as a brother in the same way they perhaps see each other, as at 9 and 11 DS3 and DS4 were joined at the hip, and DS1 must struggle with having a ready made "younger sibling". It's difficult to explain, but all of my kids are loved and we have a wonderful family- DD4, DD2, DS3 and DS2 are currently sat in front of the fire giggling, eating chocolate and writing name cards having traipsed mud and straw into my lovely clean kitchen. The joys of country life and a large family.

OP posts:

gttia · 03/01/2018 18:53

My sd was the best girl and my dd the bridesmaid, only she walked me down the aisle, sd stood with dh.
They wore the same bridesmaid dresses and were both very happy with this arrangement

MaggieFS · 03/01/2018 18:58

I think it sounds lovely OP. Also prevents any debate as to which of the other three DS might be best man!

Sounds like DS aren't ushers either though? (Hard to tell from your wording), that does seem shame if all DDs are involved. It's very easy to have lots of ushers.

Nevth · 03/01/2018 19:02

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. But let's separate the issues - is it: a) that he picked a woman as his 'best person', or b) that he only picked one of the siblings?

If the former, then that's ridiculous. I've been best man/person/whatever to two of my male friends and no one cared. I'm got married last year and also had a best man, one of my closest friends. No one batted an eyelid.

If it's option b), then as long as the siblings are ok with it, what's the problem? Sounds like you're making it bigger than it is.

ontheedge99 · 03/01/2018 19:11

At our atheist Indian British wedding we had 3 speeches. They were by

My female best friend
DH sister
DH sister in law

Then DH and I did a joint speech.

None of the best "man" stuff and grooms speech for us.

ontheedge99 · 03/01/2018 19:14

* but I want the wedding to be absolutely perfect*

Okay, great. So he IS designing HIS perfect wedding.

What's the issue then? It is hardly about what you want or what you consider perfect.

BluebellTheDonkey · 03/01/2018 19:18

Leave them to it OP, they sound absolutely fine, and your worry is detracting from this special time.

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