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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end this friendship over this one comment?

64 replies

FrancisUnderwood · 03/01/2018 12:14

I have a friend who I have known and been very close to for several years, we worked together and have stayed in touch.
I respect and admire him, or...I did.
I recently found out my DB's marriage was breaking up, very sad and was regaling this to friend as he also knows DB (vaguely). The very short conversation went like this:

Me: DB and DSIL have decided to seperate.
Him: What does he do for a living again?
Me: He's a Doctor.
Him: He'll get hammered by CSA then.

I was just blown away that the first and most important thing he thought of, in this whole sorry state of affairs, was sympathy with my DB that the CSA would be 'after him'. (It's very early days but his main concern are the children, and their welfare, financial and otherwise)
I had a rant about how actually, child has every right to be financially supported by both parents.

Now, I don't want to have anything to do with that friend who's first thought is how much money a woman will be 'after' following a split. It's just the general attitude I had no idea he harboured.....

AIBU not to want to have anything more to do with him over this one comment?

OP posts:

NC4now · 03/01/2018 12:22

I don’t know. You’ve been friends with him for years. It’s not great, but sometimes the first thing that comes to mind isn’t the whole picture.
If he’s generally a decent bloke I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and think it was just clumsy and dim of him.
He’s not as invested in the whole family dynamic as you are - he only knows your brother vaguely, and other people’s divorces aren’t as sad if you don’t know them and the children involved.

KarmaStar · 03/01/2018 12:24

Over reaction here.yes yabu.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 03/01/2018 12:25

Wouldn't have bothered me as it's true.

Whilst there are still some amicable splits, most aren't and both sides fight over finances. You see it on here all the time, woman advised to leave, go straight to the CSA and fight for a much as possible.

Zatsuma · 03/01/2018 12:25

Everything has a context, who knows what was recently on his mind. He might have been discussing a painful break-up with a friend, he might know unreasonable ex-wives, or it could just be a casual comment without much thought.

You cannot be that close if one little comment is enough to end your friendship!

gamerchick · 03/01/2018 12:27

You’re overreacting! Get a hold of yourself. You can’t expect him to have the same emotions as you if someone he barely knows and if he was such a good friend you should be able to forgive clumsy comments sometimes.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2018 12:27

Blimey, you're easy come - easy go with your friendships aren't you?

You had a rant and hopefully put him straight.

Let it go.

Comeymemo · 03/01/2018 12:28

I think YABU. He is objectively right, your DB will have to pay a lot of maintenance. Friends made similar comments to me when my DS divorced. It’s part of the picture. I would not lose a friend over this.

Sorry about your DB and DSIL.

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 12:28

Now, I don't want to have anything to do with that friend who's first thought is how much money a woman will be 'after' following a split. It's just the general attitude I had no idea he harboured.

Did you ask him about his opinions? Its just that from what you've posted about the conversation, it doesnt read that way to me. It could be he didnt know what to say, it could be that in his experience thats what happens and you see it and hear it all the time about how the women are told to go after men for CSA (disclaimer, Im not saying they shouldnt!)
He might have just been saying that for something to say because hes not very good in that situation.

I imagine you are feeling very upset about the situation with your brothers marriage and its very noble of you to stand up for your SIL in this situation but it may be that because your feelings are raw you have overreacted?

It doesnt seem a very good friendship that you are willing to judge him and throw it all away because he has a different point of view to you without discussing things with him.

Amanduh · 03/01/2018 12:28

Errrr over reaction much?

KimmySchmidt1 · 03/01/2018 12:28

Ending the friendship over him noting correctly that your DB will have financial responsibilities towards his children which will be enforced by the CSA seems a bit of an over-reaction, but it depends on whether you place identical political and moral views to your own as the dealbreaker on all friendships.

Seems rather narrow minded to me. I don't think he was being offensive or inaccurate, just honest.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/01/2018 12:28

I'm assuming he doesn't know your brother so wouldn't have an emotional attachment like you do. Sorry but I think YABU and you can't be that close if you would end your friendship over it

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 03/01/2018 12:31

It was a stupid comment, but I think you’re overreacting if you end a friendship over this one comment tbh.

Though, you’re right about children having a right to be supported by both parents. He probably thought he was being sympathetic towards your DB? Don’t know.

Karigan1 · 03/01/2018 12:31

Bit of an overreaction. I find that’s the first thing many people think of having gone through divorce. It’s more a reflection of how society portrays divorce than your friend

Hopeful103 · 03/01/2018 12:31

I think he's better ending it with you instead if you are this much of a drama queen. 'Blown away'? Over reaction much?

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 03/01/2018 12:33

You're really over-reacting.

Original poster

FrancisUnderwood · 03/01/2018 12:33

Aye, fair comments.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2018 12:34

And why does him stating he'll get hammered by the CSA mean his first thought is how much money a woman will be 'after' following a split?

Rather than meaning he'll be required to pay more maintenance than someone who isn't a doctor?

Huskylover1 · 03/01/2018 12:36

Well he will get hammered by the CSA.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 03/01/2018 12:36

You see it on here all the time, woman advised to leave, go straight to the CSA and fight for a much as possible.

If you’ve seen that on MN you haven’t been reading properly because everyone knows that isn’t how the CSa works. They don’t advocate for women to get as much as possible. They calculate the legal minimum the NRP has to pay in support of their children. They also reduce the amount for overnights and any children living with the NRP. If he is a high earner, he will pay more £, but it wont be any higher percentage than someone on minimum wage is paying. So he will still be much better off.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 03/01/2018 12:38

Jesus Christ! He will not get hammered by the CSA! He will pay the same percentage of his salary as everyone else with the same number of children for the same number of nights.

StealthNinjaMum · 03/01/2018 12:40

It was a stupid comment but I know that I often say stupid things or focus on the wrong element of a situation on hearing news (but as I get older I am learning that I have quite bad social skills and I'm working on this).

If he is otherwise OK I would continue the friendship while working out if it was a genuinely stupid comment or a reflection of wider misogynistic opinions about women being after what they can get.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 03/01/2018 12:42

Well if you were ‘regaling’ him with the story maybe he thought you were happy about it!

NoughtTimesNought · 03/01/2018 12:44

Your interpretation of this is different from mine. ‘He’ll get hammered by CSA then’, does not necessarily convey sympathy towards your brother. He’s just being matter of fact - He’s got a good job, and so the children will be supported accordingly.

Imagine this:

My sister is getting divorced. Whilst discussing it with a friend of mine, I say ‘he’s a doctor, he’ll get hammered by CSA”. I’m a sympathising with my annoying bil?

I’m afraid your interpretation is rather flawed, but it doesn’t sound like you liked the friend much anyway judging by quickly he’s been cast off, so happy days.

FluffyWuffy100 · 03/01/2018 12:45

Don't be such a petulant 5 year old.

Why not have a grown up conversation - "I was a bit upset by your comment about the ex wife wanting to go after all she could, I didn't like it because x y a" and have a convo.

LuckyBitches · 03/01/2018 12:45

YABU. Surely you don't ditch every friend who says something that you disagree with?

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