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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end this friendship over this one comment?

64 replies

FrancisUnderwood · 03/01/2018 12:14

I have a friend who I have known and been very close to for several years, we worked together and have stayed in touch.
I respect and admire him, or...I did.
I recently found out my DB's marriage was breaking up, very sad and was regaling this to friend as he also knows DB (vaguely). The very short conversation went like this:

Me: DB and DSIL have decided to seperate.
Him: What does he do for a living again?
Me: He's a Doctor.
Him: He'll get hammered by CSA then.

I was just blown away that the first and most important thing he thought of, in this whole sorry state of affairs, was sympathy with my DB that the CSA would be 'after him'. (It's very early days but his main concern are the children, and their welfare, financial and otherwise)
I had a rant about how actually, child has every right to be financially supported by both parents.

Now, I don't want to have anything to do with that friend who's first thought is how much money a woman will be 'after' following a split. It's just the general attitude I had no idea he harboured.....

AIBU not to want to have anything more to do with him over this one comment?

OP posts:

ProperLavs · 03/01/2018 14:11

yes, you are badly over reacting.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 14:19

I don’t think @FrancisUnderwood has returned to the thread since admitting at 12:33 that the criticism were probably warranted.

So all the subsequent you’re a shit friend and he should dump your ass style posts seem a bit uncalled for.

Oswin · 03/01/2018 14:25

It does show an underlying attitude though. Saying he will be hammered by child maintenance makes its sound like it's wrong.

scatterolight · 03/01/2018 14:26

You seem very highly strung OP. Your friend is a man, he was relating to the circumstances your brother is in. In a divorce the financial cost that falls on the higher earner (or sole earner) adds yet more awfulness to an awful situation. And suffice to say this is more often than not a burden that falls on men.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/01/2018 14:51

Yabu. Sounds like you’re over protective of your brother.

KurriKurri · 03/01/2018 15:21

People say all sorts of shit.

When I told a friend of mine I was splitting with my H, she said 'If he goes abroad I know where I can get some drugs to plant in his suitcase'

She's in her late seventies - no idea what the fuck she was on about or why she thought that would be a thing I'd want to do

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 03/01/2018 15:24

Don't most men think of dick first and wallet second? Would have thought he was in his way being sympathetic!!

MsDugong · 03/01/2018 15:41

I'm with you OP. Ending the friendship entirely might be a bit much but I couldn't look at a friend with that attitude the same way.

The CSA takes the legal minimum from a NRP, it doesn't "hammer" anyone. His choice of wording shows that he sees child maintenance as an unfair burden and the primary concern for a man in a marriage breakup. It also shows that he thinks that part of the unfairness/negative aspect of maintenance is that those who earn mor pay more (even though the percentage they pay is the same!) As though it's somehow wrong that children should continue to be supported by a father relative to his earnings!!

It hasn't occurred to him that the CSA might not need to be involved, that the man might want to pay MORE than the legal minimum, that children cost money to raise, that the parents might choose to have a 50/50 arrangement....none of those things. And that's before you consider all the emotional aspects of a break-up where children are involved. And while, I wouldn't expect him to process thoughts about all that in a split second, the fact the first place his head went was to thoughts about financial maintenance for children being negative thing, especially for higher earners....well....

sonjadog · 03/01/2018 15:57

It was just the first thing that came out his mouth. Doesn't mean anything more than that. He might have just been having a conversation about CSA before he met you and it was uppermost in his mind. I would be a huge overreaction to dump a friend because of this comment.

Trinity66 · 03/01/2018 15:59

Jeez it was a bit insensitive (but probably true) but I wouldn't stop being friends with someone over something as small as that :/

LizzieSiddal · 03/01/2018 16:04

It would annoy me if a friend said that. Money shouldn’t be your first thought when hearing about divorce. Plus whoever said upthread this... is correct.

Jesus Christ! He will not get hammered by the CSA! He will pay the same percentage of his salary as everyone else with the same number of children for the same number of nights.

So your friend is wrong anyway.

Anyhow, I wouldn’t never speak to him again. I’d have just put him right “Gosh, I think there’s more important considerations than money at the moment, plus he won’t get “hammered”. He’ll just pay the same percentage as everyone else”

CriticalMass · 03/01/2018 18:14

I'd be inclined to give him another chance. He's not as close to the situation as you are and from a (single?) bloke, it might be a reasonable reaction in the circumstances.

user1492958275 · 04/01/2018 07:36

You've never had a different opinion to your friend in all these years?

It's a very odd reaction on your part to be honest OP.

Maintenance for children and splitting assets has surely got to be one of the biggest things after divorce?

Lucylululu · 04/01/2018 08:30

Yes you are totally overreacting!

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