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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end this friendship over this one comment?

64 replies

FrancisUnderwood · 03/01/2018 12:14

I have a friend who I have known and been very close to for several years, we worked together and have stayed in touch.
I respect and admire him, or...I did.
I recently found out my DB's marriage was breaking up, very sad and was regaling this to friend as he also knows DB (vaguely). The very short conversation went like this:

Me: DB and DSIL have decided to seperate.
Him: What does he do for a living again?
Me: He's a Doctor.
Him: He'll get hammered by CSA then.

I was just blown away that the first and most important thing he thought of, in this whole sorry state of affairs, was sympathy with my DB that the CSA would be 'after him'. (It's very early days but his main concern are the children, and their welfare, financial and otherwise)
I had a rant about how actually, child has every right to be financially supported by both parents.

Now, I don't want to have anything to do with that friend who's first thought is how much money a woman will be 'after' following a split. It's just the general attitude I had no idea he harboured.....

AIBU not to want to have anything more to do with him over this one comment?

OP posts:
Pastaagain78 · 03/01/2018 12:46

You have overreacted to the comment.

MumGoneMild · 03/01/2018 12:48

Crikey. My sister told me she was leaving her husband and I asked if she was taking the vax because I wanted to borrow it to clean my rugs soon.

Grateful she didn't dump me (and she did take the vax, and csa did hammer the Cunt)

Pancakeflipper · 03/01/2018 12:50

Not worth ditching a good friendship over.
His comment suggests he or someone he knows has had an experience.

You aren't really to end the friendship are you?

Ellendegeneres · 03/01/2018 12:50

Sorry, just laughing at mumgonewild about the vax concern. I love mine, the thought of losing that in a relationship split would be more painful than losing the things it’s used to clean 😂

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 03/01/2018 12:51

I asked if she was taking the vax because I wanted to borrow it to clean my rugs soon.

Grin brilliant!

midnightmisssuki · 03/01/2018 12:51

Of course YABVU! Its sad re the split but he is just being matter of fact. You are not becasue you are more emotionally tied to DB nd SIL which is understandable, he on the other hand, in your owns words 'knows DB vaguely'. Surely you can see that? I feel bad for the friend who is not going to know what on earth he has done wrong for you to cut him out over what is essentially the truth. He cant have been such a good friend if you are willing to drop him so easily.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2018 12:52

Wow, that's some weird over reaction. Do you always end friendships if someone says something mild you disagree with?

Its hardly offensive what he said. Confused

lonelymelissa · 03/01/2018 12:52

If you really feel like ending your friendship over this one remark, then you surely cannot really be their friend. He may do well to find other friends and be better off without you. After all walking on eggshells and being careful of everything he says in case he offends or upsets you isn't a good friendship. In my opinion (within limits of course) a friend is someone you can relax with and say as you feel without fearing the so called friend will end the friendship. I think you are completely OTT and yes should end the friendship, for his sake.

StealthNinjaMum · 03/01/2018 12:53

Mumgonemild that's exactly the sort of thing I would say and then would regret it forever!

daisychain01 · 03/01/2018 12:54

You overstepped the mark by discussing someone else's marital circumstances. This is private and confidential information that you shouldn't have gossiped about with someone who vaguely knows your BIL. Even if he knew them well, what right is it of yours to even talk about it.

And you're now over invested in his response, which again is nothing to do with you what he thinks or opines.

areyoubeingserviced · 03/01/2018 12:54

Yabu.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 12:54

I think I get what you’re saying about the subliminal message he’s conveying. Do you think he’s revealing his true colours/sentiments when that is his instant response to your news?

Nevertheless it seems a bit of an overreaction on your part. It can be difficult to know what to say in these circumstances and I’m not convinced I wouldn’t have said something similar in an attempt to bring some levity to the discussion.

Firesuit · 03/01/2018 12:55

Both my sister and I would like to be divorced.

The first thing that comes to mind in my case, and the reason I haven't initiated it, is what it will cost me. The money she will take from me will mean would in theory take me maybe an extra 10 years working to replace, though in reality it won't be replaced. That consideration keeps me trapped.

I like my sister, who is sensible with money and has had a successful career for most of her adult life. But I feel a bit sorry for DBIL, as he will in effect lose 80% of everything he's accumulated over the whole 20 years of his adult life.

So, yes, the money a woman takes on divorce is a huge consideration, and the first thing that springs to mind to someone who identifies with the higher earner.

Admittedly divorce settlements are a vastly bigger issue than child maintenance.

Trailedanderror · 03/01/2018 12:56

Is he chatty? I gave my head a wobble when I felt like ditching a friend over a comment about Irish builders. Then I thought about the hundreds of hours I'd spent in her company talking about everything under the sun and cut her some slack.

alittlehelp · 03/01/2018 12:57

I've got a friend who comes out with stuff like this on occasion. I find it wearing but it hasn't made me end the friendship. We just disagree a lot!

Viviennemary · 03/01/2018 12:58

It might be a bit thoughtless rather than the usual platitudes oh sorry to hear that. But it is true. It's just a fact really rather than a judgement. Meaning he'll pay more child maintenance because he's a higher earner. Stop being so judgemental.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 03/01/2018 13:04

Firesuit you seem to think it’s just women that are “paid” on divorce. This isn’t true. Each marriage is different and the financial arrangement on divorce varies massively based on lots of factors. If your BIL will pay his wife 80% of everything he has that means she has sacrificed a shit load to allow him to accumulate that up to this point. You don’t just get 80% of someone’s income for being female and married to them.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 03/01/2018 13:06

Your friend is right.

Yabvu for expecting him to have the same feelings about your brother as you do. All he did was express his opinion, or was you expecting his opinion to be the same and yours and any other opinion is wrong.

You’re not a very good/nice friend.

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 13:10

Way OTT. But you know that op.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 03/01/2018 13:15

Not the most sympathetic thing he could have said but hardly inappropriate. Some people simply focus on the practicalities.

NurseButtercup · 03/01/2018 13:15

YANBU - to be shocked/surprised that this was what fell out of his mouth in response to what is clearly sad news for you and your family.

YABU - to end your friendship over him expressing his opinion that is different to yours. He may actually be a useful person to learn from to help you understand the psyche of men. Turn it around, have a conversation, challenge each others thinking. Life can be somewhat dull if you surround yourself with people that only think like you.

I'm sorry to hear about your DB and DSIL I hope they manage to separate and co-parent and maintain a healthy relationship for the same of their children.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 03/01/2018 13:38

@firesuit

I agree with you saying that finances are a consideration for all divorcing couples. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that funding two households to shelter one family will cost more. Someone or more likely both halves of the couple will probably end up feeling less well off than they did previously. Divorce is expensive, especially where there are dcs. That’s fairly old news!

numbereightyone · 03/01/2018 13:40

Are your friends not entitled to their own opinions OP?

Didiusfalco · 03/01/2018 13:47

Erm, but that’s a statement of fact.

I think he should be dropping you as a friend - I would if I had a friend so easily offended or who I couldn’t have a difference of opinion/debate with. Sounds tiresome.

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/01/2018 13:52

I really hope you will now take the time to go back and establish his true feelings on men paying child maintenance. You cannot possibly judge from that comment.

Also, I do think 20% of your take home is quite a chunk - also it can be much too less to support the children - so it’s hard on both sides. Divorce often has hard and horrible consequences for all concerned, nothing wrong with acknowledging that.

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