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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do about woman claiming to be my mother?

60 replies

ColdThisWinter · 03/01/2018 11:45

Early November I received a FB message from a lady claiming to be my birth mother.

I am not adopted. I emailed back explaining I wasn’t who she was looking for and wished her well.

I didn’t hear anything back so thought all done and dusted. But a few days later I received another message saying of course I was, a lengthy back story, none of which is relevant to my life whatsoever, but most alarmingly she has researched my family and due to some press regarding my late DSis (organ donation) spouted a lot of vile things about how I needed her because my parents couldn’t even keep their own baby alive let alone the one she’d given them.

It is all fallacy/fantasy. My family is my blood family.

I didn’t respond but blocked her, after having a quick check of her profile and she seems, aside from this, a normal woman with her own family.

However, shes now messaged from another account demanding I stop denying who I really am and allow her a chance to meet me.

I know it’s not true, none of her facts are correct, down to her saying my birthdate is four years earlier than my actual birthday, something I carefully explained in my original response.

Initially my heart went out to this woman but now my major fear is she will start to send messages to my wider family.

Is 101 an extreme response? I have told my parents but think regardless if they know it may come that a message telling them it’s their fault that my DSis passed away and how could they let her be ‘chopped up’ is likely to send my DM over the edge.

Blocking won’t work if she’s just going to keep coming from different accounts. I’m just morally torn. If she did give up a baby I can only imagine the torment of wanting to find them, but that doesn’t mean I should tolerate being bombarded, does it?

OP posts:

Hygge · 03/01/2018 11:49

She is harassing you and causing you distress.

That comment about your sister and your parents alone is enough to go to the police with and ask them to intervene.

Report her to the police and let them protect you and your family from further upset.

She could end up on your doorstep, or your parents doorstep, with this claims. She's being utterly cruel, and you don't have to put up with it.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2018 11:50

Set your account so only friends can message you.

x2boys · 03/01/2018 11:50

I would speak to the police its harassment wether she truly beleives you are her daughter or not.

Sleepymcsleepyson · 03/01/2018 11:52

I think you should absolutely contact 101. She may be experiencing a breakdown or she may have more information that what you realise. Please keep yourself safe. Things like this can escalate quickly. It's clearing planned out if she keeps contacting you from different profiles.

KayaG · 03/01/2018 11:53

Definitely speak to the police.

dingdongdigeridoo · 03/01/2018 11:53

Yes speak to the police. The messages are extremely disturbing and this woman may be dangerous. It sounds like she may need proper help.

mnahmnah · 03/01/2018 11:53

Oh crikey! Is there any way you could contact members of her family? Through Facebook? It may be that she has mental health issues, or other stuff going on that they need to know about this. Or they could explain what’s going on?

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 11:54

If she contacts you again after being blocked and told to leave you alone, I would 101 it.

The stuff about your sister is horrible and neither you nor your parents (should she start on them) should have to put up with that.

LexieLulu · 03/01/2018 11:55

I can see no harm in chatting to 101? If anything to put your mind at ease

x2boys · 03/01/2018 11:55

The police can also contact any relevant agencies this women might need (if it's a breakdown in her mental health causing her to have these beliefs ) but regardless none of that is your concern.

Spartasprout · 03/01/2018 11:55

Definitely ring 101 to report it. She needs to be told to stop this.

LexieLulu · 03/01/2018 11:55

Can you see if her mobile number is on her original account? To pass that onto the police?

Original poster

ColdThisWinter · 03/01/2018 11:55

Worra - that’s really interesting you’ve said that because I 100% thought that was in my settings. I’ll check that now.

Also, thank you all for confirming that I wasn’t overreacting. I’ll ring 101 now.

OP posts:

Elllicam · 03/01/2018 11:59

Could you offer her some evidence that you are definitely not her child? She sounds a bit disturbed and it might be the quickest and easiest way to get rid of her?

RatherBeRiding · 03/01/2018 12:04

No its not an extreme response. If she has become fixated on her delusions she could well ramp up the harassment and as Hygge says, you won't want her turning up on your doorstep!

Let the police have a quiet word with her, and put her right about being mistaken.

kaytee87 · 03/01/2018 12:07

I think you're doing the right thing calling the police, even if just so they can give you some advice on how to deal with it.
The poor woman is obviously mentally distressed in some way but it's not fair to you and your family either.

blueskyinmarch · 03/01/2018 12:08

In wouldn't normally suggest contacting the police but in this instance I would. She ceaseless isn't backing off or believing what you say and seems convinced you are her birth child. She possibly needs to be told by someone in authority that harassing you is not on.

Zube · 03/01/2018 12:08

Ask her to pay for DNA tests, then block her, with your message settings changed to friends only for a while.

Do you have an unusual name?

onalongsabbatical · 03/01/2018 12:11

You're certainly not overreacting. Personally I'd not engage with her or her family in any way, I'd report it, and report it every time she contacted me until the police took it seriously. She may well be ill and driven mad with the grief of having given up a child, but that's nothing to do with you and it's not your responsibility, it's up to someone who knows her to get her help, and the police need to intervene to see that the relevant family or authorities are aware of her dangerous behaviour.
How very upsetting for you, OP.

DerelictWreck · 03/01/2018 12:13

If you can see she has her own family, I would try contacting them to let them know what's going on and ask them to get her to stop.

RavingRoo · 03/01/2018 12:14

Contact the police. I’d also fwd her messages to facebook and get her banned.

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 12:14

As well as changing your messaging status so that only friends can message you, make sure all your other settings are friends only inc profile pictures, your friends lists etc.

(setting a profile picture to friends only will still allow non friends to see the actual picture but it will stop non friends from viewing any comments or likes on the picture = some people look at "likes/comments" to gather info on who is on your friends list to stalk them/gain info from their pages)

In the nicest possible way, the time for feeling sorry for this woman has gone, Im glad you are phoning the police, her behaviour may well escalate and as you say she may start contacting other family members.

She may not even have had a child adopted, she may not even be a woman.

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/01/2018 12:15

What did the Police say OP?

I hope it all gets sorted out for you, quite scary.

x2boys · 03/01/2018 12:18

I wouldnt be engaging any further at all with her or alerting her family/friends its not your problem let the police deal with it.

Original poster

ColdThisWinter · 03/01/2018 12:19

my first name is very common and my married surname is a hyphenated version of two very boring UK surnames. I’m not actually sure she knew what my maiden name was until she’d searched for me.

FB is already locked down - I checked and she would only have been able to see my name and a bad photo.

Police were great, took details and said someone else will be in touch later but that I definitely did the right thing contacting them.

I’ve actually avoided giving her any details about me as it had also crossed my mind it could be a scam designed to get you to say, actually my birth name is x, I was born in y on z date.

OP posts:

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