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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop D'S going to grandparents regularly?

53 replies

Camembertmum · 02/01/2018 13:57

Just need a bit of advice/perspective please:

Backstory: me and DH both work full time and have one D'S who is 14 months.
PIL agreed to help out and have him every Thursday whilst we both work (great). They started doing this from when he was 10 months old and we were both back at work. This means sometimes they have him overnight one night and sometimes just in the day.

MIL works full time and this is her day off, FIl is retired but now has a part time job. All was great until a few weeks ago when DS started going through a rough patch, starting tantruming and had one difficult night at their house where he didn't sleep much.

This has now resulted in Pils saying they don't feel able to have him every week now and given how he currently is it's not "convenient".

They have suggested trailing having him for a few hours every other week, and if he doesn't settle with them then cutting this down again.

Of course we don't expect them to have him and understand it's entirely their choice, and whilst I'm a bit annoyed at having to change all of our shifts so one of us is off the main issue is I'm not sure whether to agree to the few hours every other week.

His behaviour with them is no different to with us and entirely normal for a 14month old so not much to be done there I don't think. I feel sad and annoyed that the moment things have gotten a little difficult (as they do with children) they have dropped him. Although he's young and most likely won't notice I don't like the idea of whether or not they have him being dependent on whether he's currently going through a good stage or not. I'm also not keen on having an odd routine like every other week but only if he's in a good stage.

DH thinks we should trail the every other week.

AIBU in thinking that if you offer to look after your grandchild it should be on the understanding that they are children and as such behave like children. I'm tempted to say you take him as he is or not at all (They would still see him at family gatherings), or am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?

OP posts:
Forgettable · 02/01/2018 14:09

They're trying to say nicely its too much, to commit regular time. Get professional childcare and let the grandparents return to being grandparents.

You've tried and it ain't working, no shame on either side. Say thank you, profusely, of course. They've made a grand stab at helping.

blueberrymints · 02/01/2018 14:12

I'd be upset too op. What do they expect from a 14month old?!?
I would look at a more permanent solution such as nursery for 1 day a week. I'd personally find it too stressful not having a firm plan in place.
Maybe they are finding it too much if they're still working and don't want to be 100% honest with you. So a few hours every other week is enough for them to still enjoy time with him and not such a commitment.

Hope you get it sorted!

KimmySchmidt1 · 02/01/2018 14:16

I think the only consideration here is, would it be convenient for you for them to take your DD every other week for a few hours?

If it doesn't suit you, then don't agree to it. If you fancy the time off, then do.

You can't expect them to commit to manage his behaviour, and they can't expect you to give them visitation rights purely because they want to see him.

Fattymcfaterson · 02/01/2018 14:16

Let's be honest here. No one wants to go to work after being up all night with a screaming toddler. Especially when you're older and doing someone a massive favour. I can see it's too much. They can see it's too much. They're saying to you politely that it's too much, and you're threatening to cut contact? Should they just put up and shut up?
Sometimes the reality of looking after children isn't fully realised until you're actually doing it.

RavingRoo · 02/01/2018 14:17

They’ve done well to accomodate you thus far. If I worked full time the last thing I’d want is to take care of someone else’s toddler on my day off (grandchild or not). Accomodate their trial if you want to, but I personally think professional childcare on Thurs would be better. That way grandparents can help with pick ups / drop offs and after school meals until you pick them up.

dingdongdigeridoo · 02/01/2018 14:19

I think it’s a bad idea to have GPs providing regular childcare. Even one day a week can be overwhelming, especially since one of them works full time and is therefore giving up half of her free time to look after your son. Looking after a baby is much different to an active toddler. Find a nursery. They’ll have more space to run around and be active, and can play with kids their own age. Also, you don’t have to worry about GP holidays, sickness etc.

Knaffedoff · 02/01/2018 14:23

If I asked my dad or father in law about parenting a toddler they would be clueless, both would have been at work and therefore not primary carers when they had children of their own and as such, its possible your FIL has taken on more than expected without considering an overnight stay and old age, tbh I am not surprised that they aren't coping.

Perhaps knocking off the overnight stay, set out plans for activities for your fil as the trial period if they want, but you may find getting childcare professionally is the answer.

FrancisCrawford · 02/01/2018 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 02/01/2018 14:26

I think perhaps they didn't realise how much harder it is to cope with a baby/toddler in your 50s/60s than it is in your 20s/30s. It sounds like you might not either!

He may be exactly the same with them as he is with you. That doesn't mean that they can cope as well. It's often not as easy to bounce back from a sleepless night or exhausting day as you get older.

It doesn't necessarily mean they think he is poorly behaved or bad. Much more likely they've simply realised it's just not something they can physically cope with!

HopingForSomeSnow · 02/01/2018 14:26

It's too much for them.
I would go back to them seeing your DS when he is with you so they do not have to worry about looking after him.

Rachie1973 · 02/01/2018 14:28

I'm tempted to say you take him as he is or not at all (They would still see him at family gatherings)

They're not really criticising your childs behaviour, they're admitting they can't cope at this challenging stage,

The quote above makes you sound hideous quite honestly. You'd punish them and your child by withdrawing him because they aren't able to cope as well as you with him.

LittleCandle · 02/01/2018 14:30

It is too much for them. It gets harder when the baby becomes a toddler and you require eyes in the back of your head. I look after toddler DGD and am going to be telling DD that I can only do it one weekend a month, not two. I do not work full time, but have physical problems that mean getting down on the floor - and then getting up again! - are very difficult. They have helped you out massively and now you are being selfish because you are going to have to make other arrangements. You chose to have the child, they kindly helped you out and now you want to cut contact. Grow the fuck up! As others have said, thank them for their kindness and make other arrangements.

Cutting contact. Dear God! I have never heard the like!

CauliflowerSqueeze · 02/01/2018 14:32

I agree. They can’t cope. The answer is not to punish them by withdrawing him altogether.

AppleTrayBake · 02/01/2018 14:35

Just pay for childcare. They're finding it too much, they tried and it's not working.

The every other week thing for a few hours wouldn't work for me personally, I like my DC to be settled in one place.

KarmaStar · 02/01/2018 14:36

Hi OP
It reads as if they are lovely pils and great grandparents but they have realized over the last few months that they cannot cope and rather than just stopping helping you out completely are still trying to help by reaching a compromise.
I'd accept this with good grace and thank them profusely for their help.I doubt that it will go back up again but even alternate weeks is still a help.
I'd definitely handle this nicely,they aren't being funny,but as your little one becomes more active its that much harder for them.
.🌼

MatildaTheCat · 02/01/2018 14:37

They clearly want to see him regularly and care very much but simply underestimated the exhaustion of looking after a toddler for whole days and nights.

I would try to accommodate them. They love him and want to help even if they cannot commit to the original agreement. They must be reasonably local so it seems mean to say it’s the original arrangement or family gatherings only.

Remember your child will grow quickly and they may be extremely helpful when he’s too unwell for nursery or school or to help with school holidays etc. Hands on grandparents can be a mixed blessing but these ones sound well meaning and loving. Just knackered.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2018 14:38

So in your eyes, unless they are prepared to cope with him on their own, all day, and sometimes overnight, they don't 'deserve' to see him regularly?? What utter utter selfish cock. Fucking Hell. You need to do what everyone else does in this situation. Get paid childcare, and make sure your child still gets plenty of contact with his grandparents in a way they CAN cope with. I can't quite believe people can be this stupid.

TheVanguardSix · 02/01/2018 14:40

14 months is tough. And your little one will get more active. Honour and understand their wishes. Work with them not against them. They've been very generous, OP.

It's ok for people to say 'We're struggling.'

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 14:40

I think perhaps they didn't realise how much harder it is to cope with a baby/toddler in your 50s/60s than it is in your 20s/30s. It sounds like you might not either!

^^This. But trust me, one day you will.

PaellaPam · 02/01/2018 14:40

I feel sad and annoyed that the moment things have gotten a little difficult (as they do with children) they have dropped him

Well that's not true at all. They're finding it too difficult to look after him for long periods and overnight which is entirely understandable. Toddlers are generally more physically demanding than babies.
They haven't 'dropped him' they just can't manage him that easily anymore and it must be really difficult for them to tell you this.

To take him as he is or not at all is a pretty harsh judgement on
their inability to cope as he gets bigger and more (apparently) unmanageable. It would be mean-spirited to not let them see him.

TheVanguardSix · 02/01/2018 14:41

You seem quite vengeful in your last paragraph OP. Not cool.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2018 14:43

Honestly, I think you're being a little unreasonable and a tad unfair. They offered to help you out and face facts they didn't have to do that but now it's got too much for them. I wouldn't want to do a full days work after being up in the night either.

I think you need to sort out alternative child care arrangements.

cathycake · 02/01/2018 14:43

I second what FrancisCrawford says

HopingForSomeSnow · 02/01/2018 14:43

I know this probably feels like they are rejecting your son, but that's not the case.
If you work with them you will find a solution that works for everyone.

Megs4x3 · 02/01/2018 14:43

You are seriously suggesting that you are taking umbrage because your MIL works full time, has given up her day off to look after your child and she has found that it is too much for her? Chances are that she is a woman approaching retirement who is having to work past 60 with little to no notice. The government expects women of her age to work full time, provide child care to their own children - you - and elder care to their own aging parents, depending on which department is pontificating. Give the woman a break! Your sense of entitlement is staggering.

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