Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to stop D'S going to grandparents regularly?

53 replies

Camembertmum · 02/01/2018 13:57

Just need a bit of advice/perspective please:

Backstory: me and DH both work full time and have one D'S who is 14 months.
PIL agreed to help out and have him every Thursday whilst we both work (great). They started doing this from when he was 10 months old and we were both back at work. This means sometimes they have him overnight one night and sometimes just in the day.

MIL works full time and this is her day off, FIl is retired but now has a part time job. All was great until a few weeks ago when DS started going through a rough patch, starting tantruming and had one difficult night at their house where he didn't sleep much.

This has now resulted in Pils saying they don't feel able to have him every week now and given how he currently is it's not "convenient".

They have suggested trailing having him for a few hours every other week, and if he doesn't settle with them then cutting this down again.

Of course we don't expect them to have him and understand it's entirely their choice, and whilst I'm a bit annoyed at having to change all of our shifts so one of us is off the main issue is I'm not sure whether to agree to the few hours every other week.

His behaviour with them is no different to with us and entirely normal for a 14month old so not much to be done there I don't think. I feel sad and annoyed that the moment things have gotten a little difficult (as they do with children) they have dropped him. Although he's young and most likely won't notice I don't like the idea of whether or not they have him being dependent on whether he's currently going through a good stage or not. I'm also not keen on having an odd routine like every other week but only if he's in a good stage.

DH thinks we should trail the every other week.

AIBU in thinking that if you offer to look after your grandchild it should be on the understanding that they are children and as such behave like children. I'm tempted to say you take him as he is or not at all (They would still see him at family gatherings), or am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/01/2018 14:44

Hold on...

this is YOUR child. YOURS.

If you work, YOU have to sort out suitable child care. You literally have NO right to complain if people who are doing you a favour have said they want to change things/scale it back or stop it completely.

It comes across to me that you and the DC dad have made far too many assumptions. Your attitude of entitlement is clear to see on this thread.

Nobody owes you a thing. Nobody has a duty to care for your child except you and your DP.

Stickerrocks · 02/01/2018 14:47

It's not a criticism of their grandchild, it's an acceptance that they are struggling. You both work FT yourselves, so you know how tough it is to juggle work, family life and get all the little extras sorted out, like dentists, doctors, haircuts etc and your PILs have realised that they can't manage. Please let them enjoy being grandparents and not lose their goodwill, as you are almost certainly going to need it over the next few years to cover the odd childcare emergency.

BackforGood · 02/01/2018 14:50

The first reply summed it up really.
Many folk don't realise that at 50+ (and where there is a choice), they don't have the same energy as they did at 20 or 30 something to be working and also looking after small dc, who - as expected - take up a lot of energy.
They tried, have realised they are struggling, so accept that and get proper childcare in place and let them enjoy their grandchild when they are able, and just provide a bit of occasional babysitting to help you out now and then.

Katedotness1963 · 02/01/2018 14:55

I think they've under estimated how much harder it is to run after a toddler when you're 50/60. You said your mil works full time and fil part time? They probably need their day off.

Don't be spiteful, he's your son and they have helped out as much as they feel they can. Don't threaten to not let them see him at all.

cathycake · 02/01/2018 14:55

Also to add that although your 14month olds behaviour is normal it's been a long time since they've looked after a 14month old. At my age I tend to panic and am totally over the top with safety. When you look after someone's child it's a HUGE worry and see danger everywhere (especially with a toddler) . Your house is most probably childproofed where theirs is not. Please don't be selfish in keeping little one away - give it time until they are confident - respect their wishes and don't treat them as babysitters - they are loving grandparents first and your child deserves and needs as much family like this is in his life

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2018 14:57

"Trialling" a cut down in days or hours isn't really going to work for you, is it, because you need to find alternative childcare. I assume your son is in day care the other days, so you'll need to ask them if they have room for him on the Thursday as well.
No day care that I know of will accept him on an on/off basis - so you'd end up paying for him to be there every week, regardless of whether he was there or at his grandparents.

So you need to either take annual leave while you "trial" the reduced hours with grandparents, or you bite the bullet now and say "thanks for all you've done but we can't do every other week as we need to pay for daycare for him every day now" and just book him into day care.

user7654321 · 02/01/2018 14:57

I think YABU. Young toddlers can be very hard work at the best of times and you often need to pay someone to do this hard work. They have tried and cannot cope. Please do let them see your DS regularly for shorter periods if they can manage it.

My PIL looked after my DS full time from 6 months until 1 year old. After that he joined nursery as he became too much for them. I was more than grateful for the time they did look after him and will always be more than happy for them to have him as much as they would like, but completely understand that at some stages its too difficult for them. He is 20 months currently and goes to nursery full time, but I would be happy for this to change in the future if DS becomes easier to look after.

diddl · 02/01/2018 14:58

Find other childcare!

See them with him as you usually would outside of that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2018 14:58

And just to add - no there is NO need to only let them see him at family gatherings - that's just rude. They're probably knackered from having him even just once a week!

honeyroar · 02/01/2018 15:02

They're struggling and you aren't listening. You need to find other childcare. They might not be able to cope with every other week. Thank them for what they've done so far and let them be grand parents not childcare.

Trinity66 · 02/01/2018 15:03

I agree with most on the thread, get a professional child minder and let the GPs just be GPs. If they realised they can't cope with a toddler you have to respect that, they are hard work especially as you get older

Lashalicious · 02/01/2018 15:03

I can understand your feelings op. I can understand their feelings. I think if the gm is working fulltime then even one day/night a week is proving too much. The overnight business is the problem I think. All of you are working and there's a 14 month old to care for 24/7. If it were me, I would first consider whether there was any way that either I or dh could be stay at home parent for a while. If not, then you and dh will be forced to rearrange schedules so that one of one you is off Thursdays. Or, put ds in nursery. I can see where you would be so irked with them that you have feelings of wanting to just not see them, but in light of the fact the gm is working fulltime and is doing most of the childcare especially at night then having to go into work, even though gf just works parttime but it seems gm is having to do it (otherwise there'd be no complaint), then punishing her by cutting contact is over the top cruel. If gm wasn't working then she would probably do all the childcare you needed. It's hard and frustrating for you too.

MoreSleepPlease6 · 02/01/2018 15:12

I think sometimes GPs only see the good when they visit you/you visit them and they don't realise that in reality a baby/toddler isn't like that all the time. I know for a fact when I tell my DM that DS has been a little difficult the devil it goes in one ear and out the other. She'd have a big shock if she was with him for a whole day and night.
With regards to the offer, as PP have said I would just say thank you very much for all you have done so far but I think we will put him in nursery for that day each week. That way he gets consistency, they don't feel the need to cut down the hours again and you can both still work. A lot of nurseries will only accept children for a minimum of a session/day each week anyway so I doubt you would get him in somewhere one day every other week - he wouldn't know what was going on and would probably be quite unsettled.

GoReylo · 02/01/2018 15:13

They are his grandparents but they aren't retired. They are middle aged and still work. And parenting a child who is not your child is always a bit more stressful. Don't punish them for not being able to keep up. You'd be punishing your DS too. Take up their offer to have him for a few hours.

Thetreesareallgone · 02/01/2018 15:17

Surely there's a middle way between them having him every week/overnight and only seeing him at family gatherings? They could see him every couple of weeks for a couple of hours/with you if you prefer for a start!

I think you are being a bit mean, they tried, they did help when they could, but it's now too much.

I would try to facilitate the lovely bond they will have built up so far, so regular contact is important, whether it is 'childcare' or just visits with you.

Pancakeflipper · 02/01/2018 15:18

I agree with those who say they are telling you it is too much for them ( lots of reasons why this could be so).

But don't withhold your son from them. That is cruel. It sounds like they love him and he probably has a good bond with them but just cannot cope with the weekly overnight and daycare.

Pancakeflipper · 02/01/2018 15:19

Actually instead of withholding your child you should give them a big bunch of flowers and a thank you. They have saved you a fortune in child care costs

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 02/01/2018 15:20

I could've written this OP! I'm currently going through this with my PIL's but I have two children aged 2.7 years and 14 months.

My PIL's were really forceful about having what they called 'their time' with my eldest child from when she was just two months old. It had to be on a wednesday, began with a few hours and became the whole day by the time she was 10 months old. Then when second child was born and eldest was only 17 months old they would still take just my eldest. Eventually they started taking both on a Wednesday but the novelty seems to be wearing off and the length of time they have them has shrunk from all day to often just the afternoon and they frequently have reasons they can't see them at all. I've caught them out a couple of times when they've said they had to go somewhere and found out by chance they were at home.

Of course they don't have to have them but MIL goes on constantly about how quickly they're growing up and how much she enjoyed the baby stage and how sad it is that they're not little anymore. It does feel like they've enjoyed what they see as the best bits and now they're not babies anymore the novelty has worn off.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2018 15:45

It amazes me how some women on MN expect their parents/inlaws to help out with their children when it suits them.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 15:47

It amazes me how some women on MN expect their parents/inlaws to help out with their children when it suits them

It amazes me how some posters on MN think children don't have DFs or that their DFs are absolved from all childcare responsibility.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2018 15:50

Well it's not the fathers starting threads moaning about their parents or inlaws shirking responsibilities is it?

If it was I would have included them in my post.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 15:56

Well it's not the fathers starting threads moaning about their parents or inlaws shirking responsibilities is it?

Unlike you, I've not read every single thread on this specific subject and confirmed the sex of the OP. I have however known many men complain about iLs to the extent its a cultural stereotype.

I would say that if it were proven to be only women posting on the subject it says more about the burden of childcare responsibility in our society.

We obviously don't get posts from parents (or women if you insist its always women) whose arrangements are working just fine.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 16:00

OP This isn't a rejection of your child its an admission they bit off more than they were quite prepared for. Its better that they admit this than struggle on without coping well. However well meaning both sides are to start with in these arrangements it just doesn't work sometimes for all the reasons PPs suggest.

Alternate week arrangement - depends on how you sort out childcare for the other hours and if it fits. You could try it if its practical or revert to a more casual arrangement where they spend time together simply because they like each other which is a good thing in itself.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2018 16:02

The husband in this instance has said he thinks his parents should try every other week. He's having some input into his child's childcare arrangements.

Stop looking for an argument when there isn't one.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 16:03

OP, if it's going to cause you and DH disruption to send DS to PILs every other week on a trial basis, then absolutely say no.

You all need stability and toting, not to be subject to whims of others.

It sounds lile MIL has a lot on her place with working full time so this is the reason I would go with.

PIL can still arrange to see DS on weekends, days off etc.

Flip

1 2 3