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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it worth persevering with a friend who I think has a personality disorder?

70 replies

HorseItIntoMe · 02/01/2018 10:42

Because I think my friend has one . I’ve been reading into it and there’s 2 “branches” of personality disorder that absolutely describe her 100% ....histrionic and narcissistic

She flounces out of group chats if anyone disagrees with her, yet she seems to take pleasure being contrary herself and over the most pointless things. She loves drama, makes barbed comments that are so subtle it’s impossible to call her on them, takes massive disproportionate offence at any perceived slight, she has to be always right, always the centre of attention, has to control everything we do / places we eat etc. She’s jealous of people. She’s obsessed with how she looks. Flirts with men (and women) she has no interest in it’s just that she wants everyone to fancy her. every relationship she’s ever had its gone wrong but she never sees her own part in it. She still obsesses about exes from 10-15 years ago, hates them passionately and rips them to shreds. (For clarity, they weren’t that bad ...their only “crime” was to eventually not want to be in a relationship with her)

Anyway Friend and I had a very mild disagreement before Christmas. (So as I’m not drip feeding she was spiteful to another friend which I said was unnecessary and not nice) which culminated in her stopping speaking to our whole group of friends and making us all feel terrible. Yesterday I went out for the day and returned home to find she had delivered a ten page handwritten letter basically listing all my faults and everything I’ve ever said in the last ten years that she’s taken offence to. Basically Making out like I’m the worst person on earth yet ending the letter by saying I’m her “best friend” and she hopes we can talk in the new year. It worries me how deeply she’s held these grudges and never said anything at the time

I’ve known her over ten years and she honestly has some really good points. I can’t think of them right now though 😔 I don’t want to throw the friendship away, we’re in a group of 4 friends and it’s going to destroy the group and I don’t want that. but I can’t be friends with someone who can be so awful. I don’t know how to deal with this ! Help 😔

OP posts:
Allthetuppences · 02/01/2018 10:44

It sounds like far too much drama. No friend or group of friends is worth all that. I'd move on from all that.

Els1e · 02/01/2018 10:49

Sounds very draining to me. You were right to challenge her spiteful behaviour. I would be civil to her but keep her at arms length. Friends make you feel good not negative.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 02/01/2018 10:49

Beah, no, bin her. Life is too short to endure other people's shortcomings like that if there is no balancing goodness.

Wineandrosesagain · 02/01/2018 10:50

A ten page list of your faults??? Good grief. She's not a friend she's a vengeful narc. Life is too short for this type of crap. I'd cut her off immediately and I'd tell other members of your group why.

BattleCuntGalactica · 02/01/2018 10:50

The way I look at stuff like that is this: if you are spending more energy on dealing with negative fallout from a friendship than you are actually being friends and having a great time together, then you should probably part ways.

That seems like a total nightmare to be around, so I'd probably bow out. I've done the same a couple of times when folks have been too drama ridden and behave like emotional vampires.

Mosaic123 · 02/01/2018 10:50

And throw the letter away.

Lucyccfc · 02/01/2018 10:51

I had a friend exactly like this and it all culminated in me having to phone the police one evening when she rocked up (pissed) at my door, screaming and shouting about what a bad person I was.

All this was over her making a nasty comment about the decor in another friends house. I said that her comment wasn't very nice and we all have different tastes.

My DS was in the house when she was screaming at the door and threatening to kill me. He was scared, so I phoned the police.

2 years later and we have nothing to do with each other and life is wonderful. No drama's.

If your friend brings nothing positive to your life, then please son' bother with her. Life is too short to put up with people like that.

meredintofpandiculation · 02/01/2018 10:52

It doesn't sound as if you like her, so you'd be doing her a favour to cease pretending you're her friend.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 02/01/2018 10:52

I’ve binned a similar ‘friend’ and never looked back or regretted it. Life is too short to deal with this sort of shit. I’d be pulling waaaaaay back, because you know ‘talking in the new year’ will actually be ‘listing all your faults as per the letter’ fuck that! I’d be unavailable forever and let her go have her hysterics elsewhere Flowers

lurkingnotlurking · 02/01/2018 10:52

I couldn't be arsed.

Oblomov18 · 02/01/2018 10:55

OMG 10 pages? She sounds a nightmare.

cardibach · 02/01/2018 10:55

OP you say the fallout culminated in her stopping speaking to our whole group of friends and making us all feel terrible
Why did you all feel terrible when she was the one avoiding you? It seems she has got all the control here. Perhaps if you do persist (and I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to walk away) you should focus on removing her power. Speak the truth to her and ignore the fallout - she may drop you then, but she may start to learn what is acceptable if she really thinks you are her best friend. Your whole group would need to take this approach, though, if it is to have any chance.

SingSam · 02/01/2018 10:56

2 ways of dealing with it - walk away (which I think most people would do!) or confront her

she'll be wanting you to confront her because that's what her behaviour craves but it might just make you feel better

the way to confront people like that though is not give them the opportunity to have a go at you - it is fiendishly difficult and if you want to do it, you can practise it (!). So rather than saying 'your behaviour makes me feel' or 'that letter you wrote me made me feel awful' - you turn everything on its head to be about YOU. You say 'I am feeling quite sad at the moment' 'having someone list your faults would make anyone feel extremely sad and upset don't you think' 'i think I need to take a break because I am not capable of dealing with you when you feel the need to speak to me that way - I accept I can't change the way you are, I can only change how i react to you but at the moment, I'm afraid I am not able to cope with your behaviour'

very often people like her will fill their lives with people who 'enable' their behaviour - even in your post you describe the fact that she makes you feel awful. Just don't allow it to happen - and tell her!

but I appreciate that is sodding hard work and you may not want to lol! The easiest thing is to walk away but if you really do value her in some form, you could try it and see how it makes you feel.

mumpoints · 02/01/2018 10:56

I think you love the idea of a group of (four) friends but it's not working out in reality. No point in having a friendship that isn't working, that makes you feel bad.

How great would it be to have a group of friends that all got on and didn't bear grudges? Do that!

A 10 page letter is a bit worrying. Sometimes relationships run their course and however sad the "what might have been" is, it isn't real, it's just a hope that your "friend" doesn't share.

Sorry

Sunny779 · 02/01/2018 11:00

Proper friends don't act like that. She sounds really difficult. I have had a friend who whilst not as nasty, left me feeling constantly set up to be let down, played the victim in her "terrible life" (her words) which left people feeling sorry for her including me. But then treated friends like shite - constantly letting down, expecting support at the drop of a hat when something going wrong in her life and then blaming you for being a bad friend when you didn't do what expected etc etc. The emotional dramas with people like that are exhausting! It has been a relief to not have to "manage" their behaviour and not having contact. Life's too short. I would bin the letter, drop her and let the relief wash over you!

InspMorse · 02/01/2018 11:00

Have the other 2 friends seen the letter? What do they think?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/01/2018 11:01

The group needs to be destroyed. It is a bad dynamic if this carry on was allowed to persist for ten years.

New group of three?

Clandestino · 02/01/2018 11:04

So why exactly do you want to stay friends with her? Best rid of.

Jerseysilkvelour · 02/01/2018 11:05

Doesn't matter what you want to diagnose her with (and so glad dr google could help you with that!). You don't like the behaviours she displays so make your decision based on that.

If someone had sent me a ten page letter detailing my faults, I wouldn't care what was wrong with them, they can fuck off.

Another thing, if she does have a real problem of any sort (be it mental health, personality disorder or simply being a grade a arsehole), if you keep her around you're enabling her to continue her behaviour and she will never get help.

Trb17 · 02/01/2018 11:06

Sorry but why on earth would you consider this a friendship when it causes you so much stress?! It’s not. It’s her circus ffs.

I think I’d take pictures of the letters ten pages, send it to group chat, and say this is what she thinks of me so I’m done.

But then I’m not one to tolerate people like this. People get away with it because nobody calls them out on it. I’d call them out and want nothing more to do with them.

If the other two are genuine friends you’ll find a way to keep those friendships. If it doesn’t work unless you’re in a 4 then it’s not healthy anyway.

FlyingElbows · 02/01/2018 11:07

Walk away, op and do not engage any further. I mean really don't engage. Nothing. At all. It's the only way. My pd person (properly diagnosed, not amateur guessing!) is my mother. It's way more difficult to leave that relationship than it is to ditch a friend but I did it because I had to. My "list of things that make you horrible" came the day I got married. Most people get big hugs and smiles, I got a drunken phone call telling me what a horrible person I am! Don't volunteer to be treated like that. I make a point of going nowhere near anyone with a personality disorder (which is going to see me, predictably, roasted here) and I'd advise other people to steer clear as well.

Pearlsaringer · 02/01/2018 11:14

If you haven’t destroyed the envelope I would reseal it and return it to her. These people need the oxygen of attention. Do not give it.

Aria2015 · 02/01/2018 11:17

I had a friend who had similar traits. It never escalated to what you’ve described but easily could have. Anyway, I realised that actually I had some really lovely friends who only add to my life and I decided to make them my focus. I didn’t break of the friendship but just distanced myself and now we don’t see each other accept if bump into each other. It coincided with me having a baby so knowing her, she’ll just think that’s what changed the dynamic but it was actually that I just woke up to myself and saw that she really wasn’t a good friend. I know you don’t have the option of non confrontational break, but I would take this as an opportunity to end the friendship. Sadly I don’t think she’ll take on board any criticisms you have of her, as you say, she never leaked responsibility for her part on break ups anyway. I’d just reply that you’ve read her letter and your sorry she feels the way she does. Say her letter has made you realise how different you both are and how you interpret things so differently and that you just don’t think it makes for a compatible friendship. Then wish her all the best for the future and move on. You’ll be the baddy no matter what you say but if you end it I’m a nice way then you’ll know you did the right thing. Maybe email it to her so you always have a copy? Anyway, my advice is focus on your decent friends. They deserve your attention far more.

Pearlsaringer · 02/01/2018 11:17

If you can’t return the letter ‘unopened’, return it with a brief note - “I haven’t time for this nonsense, sort yourself out”

Then block from everything. She won’t change. Cut her loose.

Original poster
HorseItIntoMe · 02/01/2018 11:17

Thanks for the replies

It’s had me questioning myself

The others have seen the letter an they think it’s awful. One of them has said it’s made her feel she can’t be friends with her any more.

The other one is more understanding about it (she’s the one that the friend behaves the best towards) and is still going to be friends

We’ve all said no matter what happens the 3 of us will be friends. But it’s weird because I originally met the other 2 through the friend I describe in my op. I don’t want our friendship to be based on all being treated bad by her iyswim

OP posts: