Is it worth persevering with a friend who I think has a personality disorder?

[HorseItIntoMe]

Because I think my friend has one . I’ve been reading into it and there’s 2 “branches” of personality disorder that absolutely describe her 100% ....histrionic and narcissistic

She flounces out of group chats if anyone disagrees with her, yet she seems to take pleasure being contrary herself and over the most pointless things. She loves drama, makes barbed comments that are so subtle it’s impossible to call her on them, takes massive disproportionate offence at any perceived slight, she has to be always right, always the centre of attention, has to control everything we do / places we eat etc. She’s jealous of people. She’s obsessed with how she looks. Flirts with men (and women) she has no interest in it’s just that she wants everyone to fancy her. every relationship she’s ever had its gone wrong but she never sees her own part in it. She still obsesses about exes from 10-15 years ago, hates them passionately and rips them to shreds. (For clarity, they weren’t that bad ...their only “crime” was to eventually not want to be in a relationship with her)

Anyway Friend and I had a very mild disagreement before Christmas. (So as I’m not drip feeding she was spiteful to another friend which I said was unnecessary and not nice) which culminated in her stopping speaking to our whole group of friends and making us all feel terrible. Yesterday I went out for the day and returned home to find she had delivered a ten page handwritten letter basically listing all my faults and everything I’ve ever said in the last ten years that she’s taken offence to. Basically Making out like I’m the worst person on earth yet ending the letter by saying I’m her “best friend” and she hopes we can talk in the new year. It worries me how deeply she’s held these grudges and never said anything at the time

I’ve known her over ten years and she honestly has some really good points. I can’t think of them right now though 😔 I don’t want to throw the friendship away, we’re in a group of 4 friends and it’s going to destroy the group and I don’t want that. but I can’t be friends with someone who can be so awful. I don’t know how to deal with this ! Help 😔

Solely for having a PD, YWBU.

For the way her PD is affected you, YADNBU.

10 pages

I agree that trying to diagnose her is not appropriate. You have no idea what she has. She's treating you badly and that's all you need to know. Distance yourself as much as you can.

It's a brand new year - do you want to carry this crap with you into it?

Block, ignore, remove.

People like this are not capable of being decent friends. The only way to 'win' is to not play their games at all but move forward witohut them dragging you down with their constant drama crap.

Figure out why you are even considering staying friends with someone who regularly behaves like this. Why is the obligation of having known her for x amount of time more important to you than your peace of mind?

(also don't feel guilty about her 'losing' any friends - people like this tend to find new people to suck into their dramatics fairly easily)

Forget trying to diagnose her. Friends should be warm, loving, supportive, encouraging; and people we want to spend time with. Is she that to you ?
Talk face to face ? Nah. You're done. No reply or argument necessary. Burn the letter and when she cant stand your silence any longer and tries contact again, ignore again. Your other friends can do what they want, you're done, it's over, you wont be seeing or speaking to her again. Quiet and simple.

If you can’t return the letter ‘unopened’, return it with a brief note - “I haven’t time for this nonsense, sort yourself out

Perfect response

Thanks for all the replies

Sorry that I’ve offended some of you ...it wasn’t my intention

Don't diagnose people with serious disorders based on Dr Google and the inane opinions on aibu. Choose your friends as you wish, but get over yourself with the armchair psychology.

A bit harsh. OP has been hurt by this person. It is natural for her to want to understand this behaviour and try to work out of she's likely to change (which is exactly what OP is doing in this post). She has not not claimed to be an expert or spoken disrespectfully of people with mental health issues - far from it.

Its not harsh at all. Don't diagnose anyone with illnesses, mental or physical, unless you are a medical professional and they are your patient.
Nobody should.

Life is too short for shit "friends".

Walk away.

thanks tidy x

A 10 page letter of your faults

Regardless of anything, you need to send a brief message saying “I received your letter describing my faults. I do not want to be friends with you. Please don’t contact me again.”

Keep the letter, keep a copy of message (plus proof it’s been read) and don’t engage anymore. If she then harasses you having been directly told not to contact you, you need to contact the police, with all your evidence (screenshots of any contact).

This is not the time for you to wonder whether she has a personality disorder. You aren’t qualified. Youre responsible for protecting yourself and by cutting her off you do just that.

Putting aside the debated validity and helpfulness of such mental health labels, the information you googled isn't accurate if you want to start armchair diagnosing people. What you describe wouldn't fit the tick box criteria for narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder.

Also I don't think it's helpful for people to describe your friend as a bitch.

It does sound like she has longstanding attachment issues that play out across her relationships, is very sensitive to perceived slights, black and white in how she sees things, and not good at regulating her emotions. I imagine that this stuff has been with her for many years and that she is doing her best to cope with feeling incredibly insecure and unloveable; no matter how kind people are to her, it's not enough to fill that awful void of crapness (this is my opinion based on a MN post, not fact!)

However, you are a friend, not her therapist, and there may be a limit to what feels manageable. Without some sort of (professional) help, it would be very unfair to expect her to suddenly feel and act differently. I guess it's then down to you to decide if you can cope with all this. It's very hard (for you and her) and no one would blame you if you needed to take a step back or put some more containing boundaries in.

sounds like the kind of thing my SIL would do. Has too much time on her hands other that to dwell over perceived slights. It has over the years caused a lot of upset. So much so - that many friends and family have taken a big step back. A shame really as she has many wonderful qualities - but the hurtful/spiteful things she comes out with when peeved are very upsetting and people are cautious about letting her back into their lives.

Sorry not much help - My SIL would expect us to ignore the letter and carry on normally. We can't do that anymore.

Ghost, walk, hide!!!!!

Who was it who said, "When people tell you who they are, believe them"?

She's telling you who she is. She's telling you she's a drama queen who has judged you and found you wanting, and that she expects you to spend the next ten years making up to her for that long list of faults you have.

That's too much like hard work.

If that's how she treats her best friend, how is she going to behave towards you if she turns against you?

I would steer clear from her from now on in.

I agree with on the rise. The advice I would give is to ask yourself if you have the emotional capacity no the time to deal with her. If you can answer yourself honestly then you know the answer. Good luck xx

*and the time - apologies for the typo

Thanks Accio x

What you going to do OP?

Basically just avoiding her atm (not difficult as I’m mega busy)

She’s text me a couple of times, I literally don’t know what to say so haven’t replied