Is it worth persevering with a friend who I think has a personality disorder?

[HorseItIntoMe]

Because I think my friend has one . I’ve been reading into it and there’s 2 “branches” of personality disorder that absolutely describe her 100% ....histrionic and narcissistic

She flounces out of group chats if anyone disagrees with her, yet she seems to take pleasure being contrary herself and over the most pointless things. She loves drama, makes barbed comments that are so subtle it’s impossible to call her on them, takes massive disproportionate offence at any perceived slight, she has to be always right, always the centre of attention, has to control everything we do / places we eat etc. She’s jealous of people. She’s obsessed with how she looks. Flirts with men (and women) she has no interest in it’s just that she wants everyone to fancy her. every relationship she’s ever had its gone wrong but she never sees her own part in it. She still obsesses about exes from 10-15 years ago, hates them passionately and rips them to shreds. (For clarity, they weren’t that bad ...their only “crime” was to eventually not want to be in a relationship with her)

Anyway Friend and I had a very mild disagreement before Christmas. (So as I’m not drip feeding she was spiteful to another friend which I said was unnecessary and not nice) which culminated in her stopping speaking to our whole group of friends and making us all feel terrible. Yesterday I went out for the day and returned home to find she had delivered a ten page handwritten letter basically listing all my faults and everything I’ve ever said in the last ten years that she’s taken offence to. Basically Making out like I’m the worst person on earth yet ending the letter by saying I’m her “best friend” and she hopes we can talk in the new year. It worries me how deeply she’s held these grudges and never said anything at the time

I’ve known her over ten years and she honestly has some really good points. I can’t think of them right now though 😔 I don’t want to throw the friendship away, we’re in a group of 4 friends and it’s going to destroy the group and I don’t want that. but I can’t be friends with someone who can be so awful. I don’t know how to deal with this ! Help 😔

I suspect that if you say you've had enough the other 2 friends will breathe a massive sigh of relief and admit the same

life is too short - i learnt this recently and walked away from a group of 6 that were toxic spiteful bitches in the end. I can honestly say my life has improved massively since then, no getting upset, worrying, fretting im doing or saying the wrong thing or hearing im being bitched about behind my backl.

I doubt it will finish your group -if shes the same with them it will probably be the trigger to allow them to walk away too and the 3 of you can carry on your normal friendships without that toxic person there.

Do not enable her to carry on treating you like this - by being her friend still even after all this youre basically saying its ok to be like that and it 100% is not!

Cross - post. Unfortunately if one of them wants to stay friends it leaves the door open for her inevitable manipulation

Re the letter, I'd "black hole" it as far as the writer is concerned. Sending it back is opening a conversation about it. Best to just ignore it. If she sends anything else, ignore those too.

We have a close group of five friends that have been together since school, over twenty odd years. Unfortunately 2 of the group have had a falling out and no longer speak or see each other. We have had some teething problems but we have all found a way to still see each other in two groups of various permutations. So it can work but you have to be clear sighted about it, not pretend you are still one big group as we did for a while.

However, none of us has a PD and all are reasonable people. So not sure if totally applicable.

I would drop the friendship. I wouldn't want a 10 page missive from a resentful friend!

I would then build individual friendships with the other two, as being in a group without her is likely to be very stressful especially if one of them is still friends and she's likely to want to get back in again.

It's sad, but it's happened now and the best thing is to move on.

You can always just limit your contact with her?
I had a friendship that always seemed to be a bit one sided. She'd come to me when she was upset and get some sympathy and advice from me and then the conversation would just end. Once she'd got what she wanted she'd just stop replying to me for a while. I chalked it up to being busy or whatever, as she'd always reply a couple of times to my messages and then the convo would just dry up, always on her end it seemed.
I'd always be the one telling her about events in my life (not negative events, just usual conversation and asking how she and her family are etc) and she'd not really seem that bothered. Until something happened to her, then it was me being the agony aunt.
I just stopped telling her everything. I now don't go out of my way to make conversation with her at all. The friendship is a lot more balanced. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be her friend and I'd be there if she needed me but I don't feel quite so offended when she stops the conversation once she's got what she needs!

Friends don’t write 10 pages (or even one page) of mean comments.

She can fuck off.

Having experience of people like this, I would say not to bother with her. She sounds dreadfully toxic. As for her alleged good points ... well, people like this can be charming sometimes, but it's all on their terms. I feel sorry for people like her, but I would give them a very wide berth.

I wouldn’t persevere with someone like that

If you find yourself in the group again with her, you need to act the parent. Be polite and civil but not engage fully. She will turn this into a drama and probably demand to know why. Respond by asking " would you like me to put in in a ten page letter for you? Thought not" then turn away and continue your conversation. Do not rise, do nit react, do not get into a discussion. Perfect the "bored" look.
When she gets no drama, she will flounce, probably cry beast then start on someone else. Be comforted that one of the two gets it..the other will have to experience it for herself.
If she contacts you directly via text or pm then ignore it. Block her number/profile. You do not need this drain in your life anymore. She chose to cross the line and you have chosen to stop being her feeder.

Are you a psychiatrist? Medical professional of any kind?

Don't diagnose people with serious disorders based on Dr Google and the inane opinions on aibu. Choose your friends as you wish, but get over yourself with the armchair psychology.

Ten apges of fault finding and then a request to talk in person - probably so she can go through it all again. I'd drop her like a hot stone.

Burn it 🔥

I have recently got out of friendship that was just like this and boy is a weight lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes you must disengage with people that make us unhappy. It's not fun having such drama going on, it really isn't.
Some people are just horrid, not everything can be blamed on mentality.

I think you know which decision will have the most positive impact on you and your friends. If it feels right to distance yourself then you should honour that. Remove the drama and the toxic opinions and grudges. You'll never look back xxx

The other one is more understanding about it (she’s the one that the friend behaves the best towards) and is still going to be friends

Yea until she is the one on the receiving end of her nastiness...as this kind of person always has to have one scapegoat

Sounds like emotional disregulation. Everything is about them because when they are in 'feeling' mode, they can't relate to anyone else feeling anything. Hyper, hyper, sensitive to comments and feedback, yet are very free with their own harsh judgments and criticisms but they literally cannot see that.
If you were out in a coffee shop and she was eating lemon cake and said it was really nice, and then you said you hated lemon cake, that'd be you being 'really mean' to her.
Having sent you this letter and purged her feelings temporarily and 'taught you a lesson', she may now see things as 'equal' between you and is now free to love you again. She will probably invite you for a coffee tomorrow and sign off her text with hearts emojis.
Sending you that letter was bullying and abusive to you. She carefully calculated this very extreme and abnormal response, spent a load of time writing it and that's not normal.
However, you have to be the grown-up for your own sake because you'll never win with someone like this, you really can't. So don't go into the arena with them, because it's not a level playing field. If you defend yourself or state your case, the more they shout louder to others that you are mistreating them.
All you can do is do not cross them, keep your distance, never comment or give feedback on anything she says or does and keep your mouth shut.

Oh god Sadie nail on head

This is exactly how she is

*Are you a psychiatrist? Medical professional of any kind?

Don't diagnose people with serious disorders based on Dr Google and the inane opinions on aibu. Choose your friends as you wish, but get over yourself with the armchair psychology.*

^THIS^

She sounds like a bitch so by all means ditch her.
But your title stinks. Do you often ditch friends because they have a serious mental illness? I have a PD. It’s hell.

Ditch her based on the fact she a bitch - but don’t start trying to diagnose her via google with a serious mental illness which is devastating for so many people and then start basing your decisions and making blanket statements based on your new found ‘knowledge’

I dumped a friend for having sociopathic - narcissistic disorder. Amongst other things; the barbed comments, lack of empathy & self-righteous attitude did it for me.

People in our circle are still left wondering why I don't associate with her any longer. A few are clear and in agreement. I do hope karma is real.

she had delivered a ten page handwritten letter basically listing all my faults and everything I’ve ever said in the last ten years that she’s taken offence to

OP, this reminds me so much of my narc dad who I am now NC with. I let him know (in a gentle way) that I was a bit hurt that he had cancelled my visit because he wasn't "up to it" but had arranged behind my back for my DSis to visit. He launched into a vicious attack on me, listing every slight he thought I'd ever done. Pretty weird as we barely had a relationship so most of the things were ridiculous and in his head. E.g 6 months previously he'd had a cold so had to cancel seeing each other. No problem, I wished him a speedy recovery and when we did finally meet I asked how he was. All normal, or so I thought. But in his scathing attack he accused me of not believing that he'd been ill... 6 months ago!! What most shocked me was that I had believed him and given no indication otherwise, he'd been seething over it for 6 months, and that he was trying to turn the tables to not take any responsibility for the issue at hand (i.e that I was hurt about DSis' visit).

Narcs have their own version of reality in which they are always either the hero loved by all or the victim. It's hard going NC with a parent but based on what you've said about this friend I'd use this as an opportunity to run as fast as possible. It's unlikely she'll change.

Curryworst and rinoachicken. You are being unfairly harsh. I took it as the OP asking if she should make allowances for this abominable behaviour from a so called friend because it seems like this isn't neurotypical behaviour. In the past I've had similar issues and then light bulb moments when I've realised the person I've had issues with is clearly on the autistic spectrum or similar. It's helped me to take my anger and frustration away and just calmly distance or be more tolerant, depending on the situation.

OP, I've also had similar with a narcissist, who was once a very close friend. She dropped me when I had a baby, but when she had her own baby several years later appeared back in my life with no apology. One week night I'd arranged to meet a friend after work like I often did, she turned up with the narcissist friend (I'd introduced them only a week earlier) and then narcissist friend announced to the whole pub how awful I was for not inviting her. Bare in mind she definitely didn't invite me to everything she did, I routinely saw her on weekends and not weeknights. As I tried to explain she cut me off and told me I was a Bitch. I was gobsmacked and just didn't react. I calmly messaged her later, tried not to be accusatory despite of her poor behaviour and pointed out how she was wrong. It all blew up and we fell out permanently, and she even made up lies about what we'd fallen out over, even had some other friends cut me off. She goes through new friends regularly. Always a new best friend. Does the same thing over and over.

Btw, the friend I'd just introduced her to who she barely knew but turned up at the pub with to make a point chose to start a friendship with her. I was shocked she would despite her seeing what had happened. Within a year they had fallen out though, and she apologised for not supporting me by stopping the friendship before it even started. Sometimes people only see the good in others and need to work it out for themselves.

My ex friend was like you describe in other ways, would only talk about herself and her problems. If I rang her for advice she'd immediately reply with her own worse problem. I think over our years of friendship she really didn't know anything about me, our conversations were only ever about her.

My advice is say what someone earlier said, tell her you are sorry she feels that way and are hurt that you are obviously so different. Don't accuse, just gently disagree then move on. Avoid a row, she will only twist this somehow. You really can't make people like his see sense, and you certainly can't maintain a friendship with them.

Burn the letter, dump the frenemy, go into the new year feeling unburdened.

Just tell her that she needs psychological help and that you can't deal with her anymore. You are under no obligation to spend your time with someone so unpleasant.