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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

anyone else disappointed with NCT group/friends?

87 replies

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 02/01/2018 08:17

Everyone told me I should do NCT because I'll make a group of lifelong friends with a shared experience but, 18 months on none of us are in touch. My group of five were an older group we all are 35+ and everyone has a career. The first six months we met up regularly as you do. By this time two of the group were already saying motherhood wasn't what they expected it to be like, much harder, and they couldn't wait to go back to work. By nine months everyone but me was back at work so all the meet ups stopped, everyone seemed to return to their usual friendships and by my DD's first birthday only two of the group turned up.

Anyone else found their NCT group hasn't offered the friendships they'd hoped? Every class/group I go to seems to be full of NCT groups.

OP posts:

Increasinglymiddleaged · 02/01/2018 09:54

I think it is a point in your life which is an opportunity to make new friends. So if you get on with your NCT group you are more likely to become friends than if you met at a different time. But the people are completely random, so they may or may not be people you would ever be friends with. It's totally the luck of the draw.

GeekyBlinders · 02/01/2018 10:00

We have a messenger group chat three years on from the births of our babies. We don't talk as much as we used to, but we do chat sometimes. i still meet up with most of the members (except one who moved away) but mainly one-on-one play dates. Sometimes three or four f us manage to meet. All of us went back to work except one mum, and we work on different days so it's not easy to get all of us together. It's not the lifelong friendship group some people have but it's still supportive and friendly.

Four of us at work got pregnant at roughly the same time and we also have a messenger group and meet up, more frequently than NCT. We weren't best mates before we had kids, though we were friendly, but were much closer now.

Efferlunt · 02/01/2018 10:07

I felt a bit disappointed in mine because everyone seemed to be out of the area, but there is one really lovely girl who made an effort to keep us all in touch and that’s made all the difference, I think without her we would have drifted apart not because we didn’t like each other but because we are all so busy with jobs etc. Almost none of us live in London now but we still meet up several times a year.

UnitedKungdom · 02/01/2018 10:34

Formerbabe, I think it's different to university where people come from all over. NCT is women, having their first baby, living in a very local area (so socioeconomically a very similar group). It's expensive to do NCT so you tend to find people are even narrower in terms of their finances and working situations. 5 of 6 of us were high earning women (so very similar ages as all career women) with high earning spouses, the other was taking time off work for health reasons but her former job was seriously elite. All went back to work around the same time (except me as I'm self employed and got a nanny from 3 mths) and we all have lived and worked abroad at some point. At university there is far more diversity.

I have never met a socioeconomically narrower group of strangers in my life.

formerbabe · 02/01/2018 10:38

How strange to think you'd have more in common with people because you're in a similar income bracket.

thepatchworkcat · 02/01/2018 10:39

My NCT group was great during mat leave and we all supported each other a lot through feeding troubles in the middle of the night etc. It was so helpful to have that group of women going through the same as me at the same time. 5 years on and we’re not in touch at all. After mat leave most of us went back to work full time and weren’t living close enough to get together really so it just fizzled. I think everyone had limited spare time and so, rightly, prioritised their families and long standing close friends. It’s a shame but these things happen. I don’t regret doing it but probably won’t bother second time round. My friends I’ve kept from mat leave have been from more local baby groups.

formerbabe · 02/01/2018 10:39

living in a very local area (so socioeconomically a very similar group)

I'm going to guess you are not in London.

SheKnows · 02/01/2018 10:42

Being in the same income bracket as someone seems as unlikely a basis for friendship as conceiving at around the same time, if I'm honest with you.

UnitedKungdom · 02/01/2018 10:42

Former, not income. I'd say our working lives made us most similar and income is simply a byproduct of that. Because of our work our ages as first time mums were similar. Our experiences in our twenties were similar. Our travel habits almost identical. Our socialising habits were similar. Our education level was similar. Our problems with balancing childcare and work were similar.

But I think you just wanted to have a dig so no point explaining that to you.

formerbabe · 02/01/2018 10:49

But I think you just wanted to have a dig so no point explaining that to you.

Not at all. My own group of friends that I've collected throughout my life is incredibly diverse from well off types to single mums on benefits and everything in-between. Making a true friend is about more than your background, job, income. Sometimes you just click with people and that's quite unexplainable.

RaeSkywalker · 02/01/2018 10:49

I don’t think ours was worth it for the friendships- which just haven’t really happened. We’re all very different people, and we had a couple of very opinionated HVs as part of the group, which just made it feel awkward/ difficult to admit you’re struggling, etc.

formerbabe · 02/01/2018 10:49

Anyway, sorry to derail the thread!

ferrier · 02/01/2018 10:51

Agreed it's total pot luck. I am still in touch, meeting up every six months, with four mums from one group I went to 20 years ago, and also in touch with another two from a group I went to 12 years ago (with different baby). It just depends who you get on with. Both (all actually!) my groups were very varied in terms of social mix and still are. We still get on!

FilthyforFirth · 02/01/2018 10:59

It is complete pot luck as others have said. Mine was a terrible experience and I am still sad it didnt work out (my DS is 6 months old) but I have tried to get involved in local baby groups instead. I have made a few friends.

My advice would be if you can afford to waste the money do it. You might get lucky and meet some lovely people you click with. But go with the attitude that it might not work out. Good luck!

UnitedKungdom · 02/01/2018 10:59

Former, I think we all have friends from different walks of life. Someone was saying that NCT is like university and would be full of people from all walks of life. I was pointing out that it's highly likely NCT is not a diverse group of people due to location and cost.

FilthyforFirth · 02/01/2018 11:00

Sorry mis read your OP. My advice stands for others thinking about doing NCT!

BikeRunSki · 02/01/2018 11:05

I didn’t really gel with my NCT group. Apart from anything else, they were all considerably better off than us. We were all rural and spread out over about 20 miles, although a cluster of 4 in the same village (same Nursery, park, playgroups, school, lots of mutual friends) all became lifelong friends very quickly.

DuruttiColumnist · 02/01/2018 11:05

Mine have just ditched me after 5 years! I've been bumped off the WhatsApp! I think it's because I couldn't go to any of the recent meals out because DS2 is a co-sleeping boob monster (I always gave different reasons ).

AntiHop · 02/01/2018 11:08

Whatever happens after, NCT is invaluable for meeting people to share those early days with. When dd was born, I was so grateful to have other people to talk to and share experiences in those early days.
You won't have had the opportunity to meet other people through baby groups etc by then.

AntiHop · 02/01/2018 11:09

Bloody hell durutti that's really mean!

Flomper · 02/01/2018 11:11

its very variable i think. We were a group of 9. i couldnt stand one couple, who never turned up after the first few. One moved away soon after the baby was born. The rest of us stayed in touch for the first year, then another couoke moved away and then got divorced. Out of the remaining 6, 2 are best friends but we rarely see them, even though ones dc is at the same secondary school as mine. The other 3 are great friends and we see them all the time, although one pair have fallen out but I still see both.

Clickncollect · 02/01/2018 11:13

I'm 18 months down the line and two have turned into good friends, although they are back at work and I having a career break but we talk regularly and meet up with babies or just ourselves for dinner when we can. The rest were nice enough but a couple of them were unreliable - making plans in the future, I'd keep the day free then they'd message on the day to say they couldn't make it. I only let that happen once!
I just unfollowed one on Facebook actually (but not unfriended) as her baby spam was getting ridiculous.

Thetreesareallgone · 02/01/2018 11:14

I had a horrible experience with my NCT group, when it became clear, about 6 months after we'd all given birth, that they didn't actually like me very much! I realised there was quite a lot of whispering, raised eyebrows, I couldn't work out what was going on. I think it was a couple of women in particular who were quite bitchy. I wasn't the only one they bitched about either. In the end my husband advised me that it was better to have no friends, than friends that didn't like you! He was right and I felt a lot better when I just dropped out of the group. One girl was absolutely lovely and I stayed in touch with her for a while, but she carried on being friends with the not so nice people so it was a little strained, they also were sniffy about her which she didn't realise.

The good thing about the group was that a lot of us struggled in that first 6 months and so I could see I wasn't alone in finding it hard going, and that part was very helpful. Being part of a bitchy group- no thanks! I felt really sad at the time about it but I've gone on to make much better friends, interestingly at all different life stages, some with children/not/older children which I think actually works better as you are not all struggling with even getting out of the house at the same time!

DuruttiColumnist · 02/01/2018 11:14

anti I tentatively texted one of them saying 'hope you're all doing okay' and asking her about a couple of things but she kept suspiciously quiet about the others in her reply. I've recently left Facebook so maybe they thought I was sitting in Flouncers Corner or something...

UnitedKungdom · 02/01/2018 11:17

God people can be such jerks. NCT is no filter for that.

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