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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

anyone else disappointed with NCT group/friends?

87 replies

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 02/01/2018 08:17

Everyone told me I should do NCT because I'll make a group of lifelong friends with a shared experience but, 18 months on none of us are in touch. My group of five were an older group we all are 35+ and everyone has a career. The first six months we met up regularly as you do. By this time two of the group were already saying motherhood wasn't what they expected it to be like, much harder, and they couldn't wait to go back to work. By nine months everyone but me was back at work so all the meet ups stopped, everyone seemed to return to their usual friendships and by my DD's first birthday only two of the group turned up.

Anyone else found their NCT group hasn't offered the friendships they'd hoped? Every class/group I go to seems to be full of NCT groups.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 02/01/2018 09:02

Yep. It was nice for the first few weeks but there were a couple of 'alphas' who dominated the conversation and I started to dislike what they wanted to talk about (buying ridiculous amounts of baby stuff, sleep training etc). I'm nit in touch with any of them now. I will do it again if I have another on the offchance I meet more likeminded people.

Rebeccaslicker · 02/01/2018 09:05

Where it is invaluable if you get on well enough is those first few weeks when you're up all night changing simultaneous poo and sick explosions, or where you have PFB queries that you know in your head are daft... if you have a group to message for that sort of thing, it's sanity preserving! So is having people to meet up with when you're on mat leave if you don't have friends who work from or stay at home locally. I think you're lucky if you get more than that; as I said, my group is really lovely but we're just too different to be bosom buddies.

DonutCone · 02/01/2018 09:07

I've always found it so odd that people see NCT classes as a way to essentially buy themselves some friends.

Surely you don't expect that a totally random group of people will become your best friends because you all paid the same organization some money at the same time?

Longhairmightcare · 02/01/2018 09:09

Oops posted too soon...with 8 of us there often is.
Whether friends for life, remains to be seen but certainly for the last few years they’ve been a lifeline.
I helped that we were all in a close geographical area and similar socio economic circumstances, I think in this respect it’s down to luck however attending a group very local to you will help in this respect.

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/01/2018 09:09

Complete waste of money - only two other couples in ours. Rest rescheduled/dropped out and organisers dropped the ball with scheduling. I exchanged one email with one lady. We never even met up Sad

GreyMorning · 02/01/2018 09:10

We had nothing in common with any of our group, they were all very suburban with clean houses where as we live rurally and like animal hair and mud. DH owns his own company and the husbands were all employed so couldn't understand why DH wasn't taking more time off rather than less.

We were the only ones in the group with a dog 😂

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/01/2018 09:10

donut people do because it regularly happens, of all my friends who have done NCT many more have made friends than have not. It’s just silly to be scathing of it when facts disprove your point.

Ironically my group was pretty rubbish but I made one good friend.

UnitedKungdom · 02/01/2018 09:10

Of my NCT group, the 6 of us now live on 3 different continents and 5 different countries. Our babies are now 5 and we still whatsapp periodically. We are different people but everyone is nice and kind and it is lovely to still have that connection with 5 others who had a first baby at the same time.

Tinysarah1985 · 02/01/2018 09:11

My group were awful! Rude, arrogant, always leaving me out of meet ups etc. Went to one of the coffee mornings and they ignored me, shutting me out of conversations etc, i was sat there with tears streaming down my face and texted one od my non- NCT friends who came and got us both. Final straw was they all went out for a meal with partners and ‘forgot’ to ask us. Then plastered photos all over facebook. Twice.

blinkineckmum · 02/01/2018 09:11

We are 4 years on and 6 out of 7 of us still meet. I see 2 of them almost weekly and one is godparent to my 2nd child.

rookiemere · 02/01/2018 09:12

The ones in our class were nice, but lived across the other end of town - 60 minute bus ride or 40 minute city centre drive. Therefore however nice they were, after I had DS there was no way I was meeting them.

I made friends through NHS antenatal classes, but group naturally drifted when people went back to work - just because you're all having a baby at the same time doesn't make you besties unless you have something in common.

Jerseysilkvelour · 02/01/2018 09:13

I did an NCT type course, I'm only in touch with one of them now and she has become a very close, lifelong friend. The rest I had absolutely nothing in common with and being a parent is not enough in common to sustain an ongoing friendship! There was one other mum I really liked but she loved away when the babies were weeks old so friendship didn't have a chance to develop. In our group I think generally people made friends with one other person in the group, but the group didn't really gel in any meaningful sort of way. We met up a few times when we were all on Mat leave but it didn't last.

MatildaTheCat · 02/01/2018 09:14

I would say that the OP dd get what was most beneficial which was those regular meet ups for the first six months or so. That’s the biggest period of adjustment for most women and the time when becoming isolated is the biggest risk.

After that it’s much more open in terms of meeting other new friends via the dc. For those who felt they didn’t fit in that’s sad but I guess it’s a bit like internet dating, sometimes you just don’t click.

Longhairmightcare · 02/01/2018 09:17

Surely you don't expect that a totally random group of people will become your best friends because you all paid the same organization some money at the same time?
It’s not totally random though is it? It’s a group of people all in the exact same stage of life (about to become new parents - usually for the first time) which unless your lucky many of your existing friends won’t be going through with you. The shared experience of broken sleep midnight whatsapp chats etc does brew close friendships where perhaps there wouldn’t otherwise be.
We joke in our group that we cost £9 each to buy each other as friends 😁 you may think that’s sad but we feel lucky.
That said you do risk of disappointment if that’s your sole reason for attending, best to view it as an anti-natal class, with the added bonus of meeting people.

MrsWhirly · 02/01/2018 09:17

I honestly don't think I even spoke to anyone in my NCT class and I am a very friendly person. So didn't make any friends, didn't see them since, and had no desire too.

A friend of mine see's lots of hers 5yrs on. Lots of FB posts of kids together, friends for life type stuff.

Rebeccaslicker · 02/01/2018 09:19

Donut - that's because we all see our friends make these amazing new mates on their NCT courses!

Afterconkerseason · 02/01/2018 09:19

Same for me I’m afraid, not in touch with any of them and on baby number 2 now, didn’t bother with NCT. We’ve moved and I’ve struggled to make friends locally so worried I’m going to be very lonely this mat leave...

RainyDayBear · 02/01/2018 09:25

I think the person who said it’s like moving into halls in freshers week hit the nail on the head completely. It’s total pot luck who you’re thrown together with, and while you have a lot in common in the early (mad) days of being new parents, longer term the friendships aren’t always sustained due to returning to work, having different days off, moving away or just being completely different people.

My group of 8 couples was quite nice, there were two ladies I clicked with a bit more than the others and still see regularly for play dates two years on (partly because we have more in common than just our children, and partly because our days off work match up!). There were two more women I think I would have ended up closer to but they had different days off work to me, so we never met up after going back to work!

I’m glad I did NCT personally, it was nice to have a local group of mums in the early days to hang out with, but I think it’s best to go into it with that approach rather than thinking they’ll be lifelong friends from the off!

WhycantIhavearealwand · 02/01/2018 09:26

I didn’t do NCT but still expected to meet a bunch of best friends through the baby circuit of groups as a friend had assured me that I would after it happened to her. I met loads of people but was always peripheral to the groups and was so disappointed. Fell in with one group in the end but when I went back to work and they didn’t contact dropped considerably. I was very lonely for about a year while working part time and not really fitting in anywhere. In time I got to know more parents through new groups I tried (found more active singing and movement classes much better than sitting around playgroups) and through DC nursery.

When I did all the groups with second DC I didn’t really expect to meet anyone and ironically met a couple of lovely people who have become friends in their own right not just mum friends. I think it was because I was less intense and more relaxed.

So it’s definitely not unusual, and I think it’s important to keep in perspective that it is throwing loads of random people together on the power of one coincidence (that you procreated at the same time!) so it’s not surprising if you don’t find best friends in the process. That’s not to say it’s not disappointing though. However the good news is, over the years as they get older and do different activities, then move onto school, you will keep meeting new people and law of probabilities suggest there will be a few good ones in there somewhere. Good luck!

Oblomov18 · 02/01/2018 09:33

Not friends from my PNG with Ds1. Just disintegrated. Still friends with ds2's. No logic.
Strange thing though generally, I think.

underthesea45 · 02/01/2018 09:38

Sorry, like PP have said I think you were a bit unrealistic. You will have come from entirely different backgrounds and have been thrust together solely because you have the same aged child. I think its great to be able to meet up with similar aged children particularly in the early stages but I don't know anyone who made "lifelong" friends from it.

I did various baby groups with my first (mainly to fill up mat leave days) and gained few friends, we met semi regularly for play dates etc. but as you say as work/school etc. makes meeting difficult you gradually drift apart. I have made some great friends now DC1 is at school though and I actually found the NCT/baby group crowd too competitive at times as our babies were reaching milestones at the same time.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/01/2018 09:42

Friends for a reason
Friends for a season
Friends for life

For me NCT fell into category 2 and they helped fill a very tough 6 months after DC1 was born

ProperLavs · 02/01/2018 09:43

It really is so random. I had my eldest 19 years ago and am still friends with one woman whom I met through the free antenatal group. A few of us stayed in contact for quite a while.
From the nct group I stayed in contact with one woman for years afterwards but don't know where she is now!
I also met people through the local ante natal swimming classes.
Even though I am only in contact with one woman now those friends were a life line and an important part of my life for years.
Remember also that this before the Internet and social media.

formerbabe · 02/01/2018 09:52

It’s not totally random though is it? It’s a group of people all in the exact same stage of life

So the same as when you were at school or university then? I bet you didn't get on with everyone you met there.

Trampire · 02/01/2018 09:53

NCT was hopeless for friends. Scattered much to widely. Just didn't click with anyone.

However free local NHS classes were a lifeline. Met a group of 6 women who I'm still close friends with 4 of them 13 years on. The other 2 are acquaintances now but still sort of in touch.

Speaking to other people I think I was really lucky and the stars were aligned. We've been through an awful lot together -

2 child deaths
1 heart transplant
1 serious heart condition
2 divorces

Plus normal dc worries of school, friendships, bullying, etc