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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husbands girlfriend the truth

62 replies

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 07:46

I will try very hard to be succinct with this. My husband left, mutual decision not to heart broken. He moved in with an ex-girlfriend. We had been married for 25 years. I have moved all, very happy. Unfortunately we have two children who he hardly sees. He moved 6 hours away to be with her. Since he left he is constantly asking for me to have him back, it's a big resounding no.

This Christmas again he begged to come home, I again said no, but asked him to regularly see the children as they need regular contact, he agreed to come and see them every other weekend, they where thrilled. He is due this weekend, and has sent a message to my son saying he now isn't coming this weekend, his first bloody weekend since he promised. It's a case for him as soon as he returns to his girlfriend our children are out of sight, out of mind.
I had a heart broken little boy not understanding why his daddy has now decided not to see him this weekend as promised. I really feel like ringing this girlfriend up and telling her how he is begging to come home. This to me screams of my ex trying to punish me through my children. He is the ultimate man child. He says he can't live alone so if he can't have me, he will accept her.

OP posts:

KathArtic · 02/01/2018 07:50

How old are your children? Perhaps you shouldn't have told them he was coming, especially if he has form for this.

Ijustlovefood · 02/01/2018 07:52

Why is he at his ex girlfriends? Sounds to me like he wants to be with you?

Original poster

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 07:52

They are 15 and 11, so he contacts them himself. He has blocked me so I can't get in touch with him.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 02/01/2018 07:52

There you have it, I wouldn't have brought the children into it. If he won't commit to his children you can't force him to.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 02/01/2018 07:55

Why is he at his ex girlfriends? Sounds to me like he wants to be with you?

Maybe he does, but that doesn’t mean the OP wants to be with him? Why on earth would she, given the way he’s behaved and is still behaving?

Curtainshopping · 02/01/2018 07:55

Nothing you can do but pick up the pieces with your children each time he lets them down. You can't make him into a decent father and the girlfriend won't believe you. I understand why you want to do something, anything though!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2018 07:56

In your circumstances I probably would, Zazz. You're taking your split seriously even if he isn't. You're not trying to play games with him you just want him to be a good father.

If I were your husband's girlfriend and you contacted me to tell me what you've posted, I would (assuming that I was nutty enough to stay with him), be encouraging him to be a good dad to his children. For me, if he weren't, that would be the end of our relationship because dads that discard their children don't make good partners.

In short, I wouldn't be antagonistic to you and would try to help. Do you know her? Have you met her before?

Original poster

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 07:57

Ijustlovefoid- He does want to be with me, constantly asks to come home but I don't want him back, so he says at least he is looked after if he stays with his ex-girlfriend. They are obviously together now,she was an ex from before we got married. I am just fed up that he can't be bothered to see his children, especially now I have made it abundantly clear to him I won't have him back. It's wrong that he is living a lie, and I really want to tell his girlfriend the truth.

OP posts:

Battleax · 02/01/2018 07:58

She probably won't believe you.

billybagpuss · 02/01/2018 07:59

I doubt he's trying to punish you, he's just a very confused idiot who doesn't really know what he wants.

I wouldn't contact her, I don't think it will help your kids at all especially if he then resents you as it seems relatively amicable at the moment.

xh needs to grow up, lay it on the line, he can not move back with you, he needs to do his bit for the kids, but if he's going to be an idiot you just need to shield them as much as possible. xx

Original poster

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 08:03

You are right, I can't change him can I. I think the girlfriend will probably just put it down to me being bitter. I feel so cross for my children, it absolutely kills me to see them so sad. He hadn't seen his son for a month, I rang up and said he is missing you so much you need to see him. He then text my son to say lets meet halfway tomorrow. My son went to bed happy. In the morning there was a text saying sorry it's my special weekend with girlfriend as her kids are away, son you have to appreciate she is the most important thing in my life. That was that, I had to pick up the pieces. Just very cross on their behalf. Yet he would be here like a shot if I agreed to have him back. It's wrong.

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 02/01/2018 08:05

Don't tell her - he'll deny it.
If you do it you need to record him saying it and then play it back! Or, as I did with a dodgy ex, I called the OW when he was on the phone to me begging and let her hear on loudspeaker. Please note this was planned with the OW as we were both being spun a web of lies. We ended up friends! I had not got any DC so less of an issue!

Or... say nothing and just look after your bubbas

KathArtic · 02/01/2018 08:06

As they are teenagers then they should really see him for what he is. You can't change that.

pictish · 02/01/2018 08:07

Wow - what an inadequate arsehole. Your poor kids.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 02/01/2018 08:07

What an enormous twat! To text your son that!

This is unlikely to change. It may be worth getting counselling for the children to help mitigate the damage he is causing. I bet he was uninterested in them before he left.

Ijustlovefood · 02/01/2018 08:12

I was just a bit confused about why he is 6 hours away with his ex girlfriend, sounds like he's clearly wasting her time/using her.
He should be living closer to you and making an effort with his children

PollyPerky · 02/01/2018 08:18

When you say ex girlfriend, do you mean she was a former GF and they are now back together? She's not an ex now- she's a current GF- yes?

If they are not together, is she just a roof over his head? what's happened to your joint home- sold or do you rent? why did he move 6 hrs away without giving any thought to your kids and access?

You can only protect your kids. You need to either try to make him see that he can't treat children like this, or make him come to some arrangement over access. Would you consider mediation to try to sort out the mess ?

IrisAtwood · 02/01/2018 08:21

I wouldn’t involve his girlfriend. It is too easy to be characterised as the crazed ex who wants him back.

The fact that he has blocked you is a good sign, so unless you see him face to face he won’t be able to beg you to let him back.

Engorged · 02/01/2018 08:23

I hate to suggest this but do you think he's purposefully being a shit dad as another way to get you back? My cousin's ex did this so that he would wear her down in frustration and upset so she would take him back and he'd then act like dad.

Unluckily for him, she saw right through his game and cut him off.

Saz1995 · 02/01/2018 08:24

What the fuck! So this bloke who is meant to be a father is pissing off and telling his children the girlfriend is more important, he doesn't deserve to be a dad, poor children.

Original poster

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 08:25

Yes I mean ex- girlfriend from past, who believes fate brought them back together after all this time...

OP posts:

Silverthorn · 02/01/2018 08:25

You are doing the right thing not taking him back. I think your kids are plenty old enough to see and hear the truth about their father. That text to his/your son was simply cruel. What a wanker. Can't live alone? So he only wants you back to cook and clean for him. What a waste of space.
No use contacting the gf. She won't believe you.
What a painful situation for your children.

Original poster

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 08:26

And you are right, I will just look like the women scorned. I will just sit back and continue to pick up the pieces. He moved 6 hours away from his children, yes.

OP posts:

streetlife70s · 02/01/2018 08:26

I totally get your frustration I’m in a similar position. I have been advocating for my children for years as they become increasingly close to their step dad who does the actual parenting while their bio dad simply has them for visits, sees them less and less and hasn’t once in 6 years showed up at school plays, sports days or has them Xmas etc.

Despite me fighting FOR them to see him as opposed to him having any problem gaining access, the new GF has always and will always see me as the unreasonable Big Bad Ex. Bitter experience has taught me nothing you do or say, no matter how reasonable and in favour of your children’s best interests it is will ever be seen in a positive light by current GF so don’t bother going down that route.

As the children have got older I’ve learned that the best thing for them is to see exactly who their parents are for themselves without ever once bad mouthing them and listening to them when they sound off, allowing them to express themselves in a supporting and loving environment, validating their feelings and letting them know it is NEVER their fault. That has really worked well for their emotional well being and helped them deal well with his crappy behaviour.

I totally get you.

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2018 08:29

This isn't op's fault for telling the kids, or "bringing them into it" it's her ex's fault for letting them down. Let's be careful not to put the blame on the op!!

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