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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husbands girlfriend the truth

62 replies

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 07:46

I will try very hard to be succinct with this. My husband left, mutual decision not to heart broken. He moved in with an ex-girlfriend. We had been married for 25 years. I have moved all, very happy. Unfortunately we have two children who he hardly sees. He moved 6 hours away to be with her. Since he left he is constantly asking for me to have him back, it's a big resounding no.

This Christmas again he begged to come home, I again said no, but asked him to regularly see the children as they need regular contact, he agreed to come and see them every other weekend, they where thrilled. He is due this weekend, and has sent a message to my son saying he now isn't coming this weekend, his first bloody weekend since he promised. It's a case for him as soon as he returns to his girlfriend our children are out of sight, out of mind.
I had a heart broken little boy not understanding why his daddy has now decided not to see him this weekend as promised. I really feel like ringing this girlfriend up and telling her how he is begging to come home. This to me screams of my ex trying to punish me through my children. He is the ultimate man child. He says he can't live alone so if he can't have me, he will accept her.

OP posts:

Aussiemum78 · 02/01/2018 10:34

Ugh this is my ex.

Ladies if you ever date a man who doesn't see his kids often please don't take his excuses as gospel. Actually make sure you know the whole story.

We have no contact. His girlfriends naivety is her problem

doobeydoo · 02/01/2018 10:38

OP, that is heart-breaking for your ds, but your kids are so lucky to have you. I don't think it will improve things for you or your dcs if you let his gf know what he has been saying, and could make things more entangled and trickier in the long run for your dcs. I think the advice you've received here from those who have been through something like this is really valuable. If you know the gf, all I'd say to her would be to ask her if she can help encourage him to see more of his kids.

Bouledeneige · 02/01/2018 10:40

He is a pointless arse - I have no respect for a man who fails to be a good and reliable father.

Don't involve the girlfriend - she deserves what she's getting - a useless, morally bankrupt man. Hopefully she will work it out for herself. Keep the moral high ground and look after the kids. My sympathies OP.

BattleCuntGalactica · 02/01/2018 10:40

I'd probably tell her if I'm honest.

RedForFilth · 02/01/2018 10:42

You won't do it OP but that doesn't mean you can't fantasize about it! My ex tries it on with me all the time. I've saved every single message and think about showing it all to the OW but I won't. He's pathetic and she's deluded, I'm happy with my new life and have really made a good life for my son and I. I have a boyfriend but I keep him at arms length for now as I don't want to rock the boat in my new life!
Let them be happy in their misery!

Jerseysilkvelour · 02/01/2018 10:54

Don't contact the new girlfriend. Concentrate on supporting your children through the disappointment and crap they're having to put up with from him. sending your son a message saying his girlfriend is the most important thing in his life? Fucker. Be the parent they can depend on and fuck him. You can't change his behaviour - concentrate your energy where you can do some good.

Mrscaindingle · 02/01/2018 10:57

Your poor DS, I've read somewhere that age 11-12 is the hardest age for children to cope with their parents splitting up.

I think you have to stop trying to facilitate him being involved with your DC, it's setting them up for pain and disappointment, not that I am suggesting that this is in any way your fault. Leave him to it, he will either step up or not (most likely not) and this will be hard for your DC but they will cope. It's a very hard lesson to realise that your dad has prioritised his new life, my DC have struggled with this in different ways and for both of them they seemed to find it harder at the age of 12/13 but they now expect little from dad and he doesn't disappoint.

Pearlsaringer · 02/01/2018 11:00

son you have to appreciate she is the most important thing in my life

Oops typo , “son you have to appreciate I am the most important thing in my life”

There you go, fixed it.

Madwoman5 · 02/01/2018 11:13

Your ex is a dick and is messing with his children's welfare...arsehat.
It is important your kids know that any relationship they have with their father is on his terms; terms over which they have no influence whatsoever and therefore should never, ever feel inadequate, not quite good enough or unworthy. Believe me, it took 30 years for me to come to that conclusion with my father.

They need to see him for what he really is and sadly, where they fit in his priorities. This is and will always be heartbreaking for you who wants to protect them from hurt. I would suggest that you contact him formally and remain absolutely emotionless.

"Your behaviour is damaging to our children's welbeing and welfare and I will no longer allow this to happen.
I am instigating a contact schedule. There will be no spontaneous visits outside this schedule and no flexibility in these dates. You must let me know if you are going to collect and drop off according to this arrangement so that alternative arrangements can be made should you choose to decline.
Should you fail to show, with or without notice, for two (three?) planned visits, I will have no option but to contact the family court and arrange for an injunction to be put into place preventing you from contacting any one of us in future, such is my concern of the impact of your behaviour on the mental health of the children. Please confirm your preferred dates no later than dd/mm/yyyy (give him 2 - 4 weeks from receipt). Then give him dates throughout the year, in blocks of three, five and seven days (school holidays) like this;
School holiday 1
Dd/mm/yyyy to dd/mm/yyyy OR dd/mm/yyyy to dd/mm/yyyy
School holiday 2
Dd/mm/yyyy to dd/mm/yyyy OR dd/mm/yyyy to dd/mm/yyyy

Repeat for the rest of the year.
Any judge looking at this would see you have made more than enough effort to instigate regular contact pattern and that you have your children's welfare at heart.
By formalising this, you are taking back control. Share the outline with the kids so they know you are trying to do something to make this happen and that it is now down to Dad to decide which dates are better for him (not if but when).
Be aware that any deviation, albeit one day here and there, one important business meeting, appointment or "emergency" that means he cannot show, counts as a failure to show. For the sake of your kids, you need to follow through. Putting this out there now means he has plenty of time to book annual leave and tell his girlfriend or decide this is too much "adulting" for his poor wee brain to handle and hide.

Original poster

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 11:29

Thank you for all your messages. It is helpful, and some sensible advice. It's hard to sometime see with wood from the trees when you are in the middle. You are all right, unfortunately the children do see him for what he is already, but they still hold out hope and get hurt. I can't change him, but I can be there for them. I think honesty with them is the best policy, obviously not complete honesty, that would involve words they are to young to hear ...

OP posts:

NotDavidTennant · 02/01/2018 11:34

I would stop facilitating contact between him and your DC. Any contact has to come off his own initiative. There's a good chance that he may simply chose not have any contact if you do this, but that will save your DCs from heart break in the long term anyway.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/01/2018 14:36

bouledeneige

Don't involve the girlfriend - she deserves what she's getting

Why? What has she done?

Zazz. Your last post is spot on. You can be honest with them without totally trashing him. Try to make it about his behaviour rather than his personality/character because kids do worry about being like their awful parent. It’s not ‘who he is’ it’s ‘how he chooses to behave’, in the short run that seems more cruel, but 8nnthe long run it’s better for them.

Don’t include him in any planning.

I hope you’re finding time to build your life too, as well as giving the boys the love & stability they need. It’s good for all of you, for YOU to have a life too.

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