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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husbands girlfriend the truth

62 replies

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 07:46

I will try very hard to be succinct with this. My husband left, mutual decision not to heart broken. He moved in with an ex-girlfriend. We had been married for 25 years. I have moved all, very happy. Unfortunately we have two children who he hardly sees. He moved 6 hours away to be with her. Since he left he is constantly asking for me to have him back, it's a big resounding no.

This Christmas again he begged to come home, I again said no, but asked him to regularly see the children as they need regular contact, he agreed to come and see them every other weekend, they where thrilled. He is due this weekend, and has sent a message to my son saying he now isn't coming this weekend, his first bloody weekend since he promised. It's a case for him as soon as he returns to his girlfriend our children are out of sight, out of mind.
I had a heart broken little boy not understanding why his daddy has now decided not to see him this weekend as promised. I really feel like ringing this girlfriend up and telling her how he is begging to come home. This to me screams of my ex trying to punish me through my children. He is the ultimate man child. He says he can't live alone so if he can't have me, he will accept her.

OP posts:

MonumentalAlabaster · 02/01/2018 08:30

I don't want him back, so he says at least he is looked after if he stays with his ex-girlfriend

This says it all doesn't it - he's a man-child, so immature & self-centred he's incapable of prioritising the welfare of his children and his responsibilities to them. But I wouldn't speak to the girlfriend - you will be accused of doing so out of vindictiveness and anyway there's no need because it won't take her long to work out what he's really like.

Slartybartfast · 02/01/2018 08:32

what a horrible man he is to his dc.

Original poster

Zazz101 · 02/01/2018 08:34

I have wanted to post for so long, but never did. I wish I had sooner, it's so cathartic, thank you. He is an awful father. For his sons birthday I organised a laser tag party in the woods. I invited him as it meant soooo much for my son to have him there. He promised on his life he would not let him down. He turned up and left half way through as he had a date. My son stood there in front of all his friends as his father, with no prior warning left, his face trying so hard not to cry in front of his friends. How in a million years would I want a man like that back in my life. Thank you all for listening.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 02/01/2018 08:36

God, what an utter arsehole. He dismisses his son, telling him the girlfriend is the most important person in his life, yet still begs you to take him back? This wanker isn't capable of being happy.

DivisionBelle · 02/01/2018 08:45

“son you have to appreciate she is the most important thing in my life. “ Did he actually say that in his text ??

And his thing about ‘at least I am being looked after’; what a child. It is clear how he sees women. What a pathetic sexist child.

Just keep being clear, direct and explicit about the affect it has on the children when he lets them down.

HoppingPavlova · 02/01/2018 08:50

Reminds me of a relative. Her exDH moved on immediately but constantly begged her to take him back. Turned up on what would have been their wedding anniversary with a huge bunch of flowers and said if she did not agree to take him back he would ask the GF to marry him. Righto. So off he marched - flowers now repurposed for proposal to GF who said yes. Sad. He was also awful in regards to their children as he had no idea how to put their interests above his own, complete man-child.

Seasonseatings · 02/01/2018 08:58

I hope the GF is on Mumsnet and recognises this manchild.

OP try to coach you DC to not rely on this man in any way, he will keep hurting them if they do, the truth will out and they will realise what a dick he is.

allthatmalarkey · 02/01/2018 09:11

What streetlife says. Very good advice. And to you and your kids.

Isetan · 02/01/2018 09:11

Your Ex’s twattery is not his new gf’s responsibility.

His behaviour has nothing to do with you or his gf and everything to do with the laziness of a man child who prioritises what’s convenient for him above all else. Use your energies where they will get the best return and that’s supporting your children in coming to terms with their father being a twat. Hopefully they will adapt quickly to the realities of having this man as their father and be less inclined to invest whern there’s little hope for a return on their investment.

Detach from this man because trying to shame someone who has none, is futile.

DiscoDiva70 · 02/01/2018 09:11

OP
I have a strong feeling that this text was most likely written by his new gf, worded in a way to upset you as she sees you as a threat.
And your ex has probably spinelessley gone along with her.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/01/2018 09:13

I wouldn't include, or encourage him anymore, I wouldn't give him the slightest attention. You say he has blocked you, it's time for you to do the same, that'll shock him, cut the ties, don't listen to his whinging anymore. If he chooses to call the children, that's fine, but not you. He is a man child. Don't slate him in the home, your children are of an age, where they will decide for themselves, and you'll maintain their respect.
You sound like a lovely person, get yourself out there, it's time to think of yourself ! 💐

19lottie82 · 02/01/2018 09:18

Don’t. He will deny it and tell her you’re a nutcase and she will believe him

Lottapianos · 02/01/2018 09:22

'son you have to appreciate she is the most important thing in my life'

Dear god. That would actually be funny if there wasn't a totally heartbroken 11 year old involved. What a pathetic spineless shit.

OP, you are so well rid of this specimen and well done on telling him to get knotted when he begs to come back. I agree with others that contacting the girlfriend can only end badly. Carry on picking up the pieces (though you shouldn't have to) and hopefully the kids will see him for what he is very soon

NotAgainYoda · 02/01/2018 09:23

He only wants to see his sons as a means of seeing you. He is a wanker. All this will not scape his DP unless she's a wanker too.

usualGubbins · 02/01/2018 09:28

Hopefully he pays you copious amounts of maintenance for the children!!

Lucylululu · 02/01/2018 09:42

I would definitely tell her, with proof!

YouTheCat · 02/01/2018 09:50

I'd not bother speaking to her. It'll cause more grief.

I'd take Streetlife's stance on this. Don't bother inviting him to things any more as it just results in disappointment. Your kids will work through this and decide that he's not worth it in time.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/01/2018 09:53

sorry it's my special weekend with girlfriend as her kids are away, son you have to appreciate she is the most important thing in my life now every time he begs to come back, send this in a text, or quote it at him. He is an unutterable bellend and I can see why he's an ex.
I know your boys aren't little, but I bet they are hurting just as much. Never slag him off to them, listen to them, be there for them and love them enough for two parents.

Lily2007 · 02/01/2018 09:57

I think the most important thing in his life is actually himself and he's doing whatever suits him at the time then throwing his toys out if he doesn't get his way. I wouldn't tell her as he's probably feeding her a completely different line and his actions suggest the truth maybe somewhere inbetween (maybe testing both options) though not sure but actions just suggest he's putting himself first.

shoeaddict83 · 02/01/2018 10:00

what an arse, sounds like they deserve each other!
send him divorce papers and a referral from CMS for maintenance, might get the message then you dont want him back?

Seasonseatings · 02/01/2018 10:03

Just realised that I didn't answer the AIBU,

I wouldn't bother telling, if she did believe you and they split up it wouldn't change him into a better parent, he will pester you to return more and replace her with another new GF that will take his attention.

blueskypink · 02/01/2018 10:14

What an absolute tosser. I can't believe he blocked you so you have no way of getting in touch with him. What happens in an emergency - how are you meant to let him know if, god forbid, something has happened to one of your dcs?

I wouldn't say anything to his gf. You don't want to make things worse than they already are and this might make him look for new ways to get back at you.

Thank goodness your dcs have you!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2018 10:16

Wow he sent that to your ds of 11?

Poor kids. Eventually the pain they feel will hopefully pass and your children will not love him for it.

BewareOfDragons · 02/01/2018 10:21

If he has put any of that in writing to you (text, email) then send it on to the GF. Tell her you don't want him back, but you do want him to see the children. Oh, and btw, he's only with you because I've refused to have him back. Do what you want. Maybe she'll chuck him out.

0ccamsRazor · 02/01/2018 10:28

Op it may be time to talk to your dc and tell them straight that he is not going to be the father that they deserve. That he will continue to let them down. That it is not them that is at fault, he is the one that is at fault, he simply is incapable of putting anyone first, he is selfish. They may find it easier on their mental and emotional health if they block him from communicating to them directly.

The building them up just to knock them down will do massive damage to them. The only way to stop this is to give them permission to block him, but they will need to see him for what he is, a selfish individual who rejects his children.

Get counselling for your boys, their schools may be able to offer this, or/and their gp Dr.

Poor boys

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