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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH using childrens savings to prop up inherited house in Greece

62 replies

Sunnydays92 · 02/01/2018 00:22

2 years ago my FIL passed away leaving a complex financial mess of a will. He owned a property in Greece that was not legally built. FIL paid a caretaker 20k in cash per year to look after the house he is still employed on the same terms. The house is officially owned by a charitable trust set up by FIL and FIL had the “economic benefit” of the property. Executors of FIL will are very expensive London law firm and it is costing a fortune to untangle FIL affairs and run house in Greece. FIL left everything in his will to his 3 children so DH has a third share of estate i.e the “economic benefit” of the house in Greece. So far the solicitor’s costs and running costs of house in Greece have exceeded liquidity in estate. Solicitors are now taking a back seat and allowing the beneficiaries of the will to run the house in Greece. DH brothers family are financially more secure than us and SIL runs a successful business and has no kids. We unfortunately do not have the financial clout of DH siblings. So far we have had to use 5.5k of money saved for our DC, 2 of whom are due to go to uni this year, to pay bills on FIL estate. I am fuming I do not want us to get into debt and this is money we cannot afford to lose, However BIL has currently spent 33k propping up the estate and paying bills and DH finds it” humiliating and embarrassing” that he cannot match his brother. I want DH to talk to his siblings and say this cannot carry on and in particular that we cannot afford the caretaker, DH refuses. I’m furious-it’s his dads estate and initially I didn't get involved but it is now using up our childrens money I feel I should be listened to. Hopefully if we are able to sell the house we can regain our costs but at present we are legally unable to sell it, the housing market in Greece is not great and it is also difficult to get money out of Greece so I am concerned we will get further into debt. With our annual leave with can only use the house for 2 weeks of the year during school holidays and it costs a small fortune to travel over there as we are a family of 6 and there are no direct flights so we pay for flights, ferry crossing and car hire to reach the house. AIBU to ask DH to tell his siblings that we cannot fund the house and where possible we should stop all expenses, incl. caretaker ? Particularly as we get so little use out of it? If DH will not explain to his brother and sister that we cannot afford is it unreasonable for me to go behind DH back and explain it to them? This is causing friction in our relationship but I know it will cause even more if I speak to BIL and SIL behind his back. I feel DH is risking our finances because he does not want to admit to his brother he is unable to afford what his brother can. He has agreed with his brother not to bother his sister with finances-which makes me angrier still as she has no DC to support!

OP posts:

Hauntedlobster · 02/01/2018 00:25

Can’t they just buy him out? Don’t make it about the money if it helps save face?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/01/2018 00:27

You don't go behind his back. You tell him that if he won't tell his siblings that he is raiding the children's uni funds for this then you will tell them yourself.

timeisnotaline · 02/01/2018 00:28

Your children’s savings belong to both of you. I’d say absolutely not a penny more, and if he won’t tell
His brother then I would. I couldn’t care less about keeping the peace vs throwing away money saved for my children.

Homemenu1 · 02/01/2018 00:29

That sounds like a bit of a mess, I don't understand all the legal bits and pieces but 20k for a caretaker seems a huge about of money.

Does dh want the property, but no yanbu to be very concerned that he's used the dc's money.

If there is money left, put it in their names so he can't get it

Ashamedandblamed · 02/01/2018 00:31

I'd move the money out of the savings first of all so he cannot help himself !

Twofurrycats · 02/01/2018 00:40

At a glance it first of all seems the caretaker is overpaid by Greek wage standards. Are they full time/live in? What are they actually been paid for?
Does the property generate an income? Let for holidays etc?
Otherwise this is a nightmare money pit and I think you need to get out.

BewareOfDragons · 02/01/2018 00:41

I would actually tell my DH I would leave him over this. He is stealing from his children. He is stealing their future. He has chosen his pride over his children and you.

Threaten to go. Block his access to their accounts and move as much of your savings into your own name immediately. He has NO right to be spending your and their money on this without your agreement, and you don't agree.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2018 00:44

I agree it sounds a total mess. Property in Greece can take years and years to sell. If your BIL wants to spend money on this house that's up to him. But in your position I'd be really worried that you become liable for further bills on this house. Of course I don't know what the property is worth. But the situation is very worrying indeed. Your DH needs to get into reality mode and deal with this asap.

Bloomed · 02/01/2018 00:48

What's the longterm plan for the house? Is there one?

CassandraCross · 02/01/2018 00:53

If the costs of solicitors and running costs have exceeded the liquidity in the estate and a whole host of other fees are going to be incurred regarding the illegal property in Greece what is the point of pouring more money into an ever increasing black hole? This sounds like the sunk costs fallacy, your dh and probably his siblings need to cut their losses at this point and stop propping up this charade.

It will take years and years to sort out the legal mess regarding the property, sale of it will not cover what has been spent on it. Is it worth hanging onto something for 2 weeks of a year, for the amount it is costing you you could have a fabulous holiday somewhere else.

Can you try and get hold of the figures of what has been spent to date, an estimate of what will be spent in the future and present them to your dh?

Try and convince him to walk away otherwise you will likely end up in debt trying to prop up this white elephant. Ask him to remove himself from any potential share in this property and then if the siblings choose to spend their own money on it that is their decision. The costs far, far outweigh any benefit you will gain from this property.

He should not be using your joint savings for anything without your agreement, set them up so access to them has to be with the agreement/signature of both of you and refuse to sign for them to be used for this catastrophe.

CoolCarrie · 02/01/2018 00:53

Your bil & sil need to buy out your dh, he needs to replenish your family money and he needs to stop stealing from your children. As pp have said you really need to give him an ultimatum to put his children over his ridiculous pride & face saving actions. I would be fuming in your place.

CoolCarrie · 02/01/2018 00:57

And the mention you made of the property “ not legally built “ is a huge issue, bail out ASAP!

makingmiracles · 02/01/2018 01:03

Geez what a mess
I’d do as previous poster suggested, move children’s money to a a cunt which he cannot access, also any of your savings too.
Then ultimatum, the Greek house or you and the children, he either washes his hands or it or your relationship is over. Pissing about draining his own kids bank accounts, all for his pride and ego, pfft.

makingmiracles · 02/01/2018 01:04

HAHa should read account...obviously

Gingernaut · 02/01/2018 01:10

Is the house in Greece the only part of the estate?

If so, your DH could renounce his inheritance. The house and all the costs have overtaken what the estate can afford and it will probably cost more money than it's worth.

Whinesalot · 02/01/2018 01:28

20k seems a good wage for a caretaker of one house even in this country. What on earth is the caretaker doing that justifies that wage?

How much income is generated? When if ever, is this supposed to become profitable or saleable? How much money will it generate when eventually sold in the current climate?

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/01/2018 01:30

your DH could renounce his inheritance.

This would be the cheapest and easiest option, and also face saving as DH can "generously" give his share to his siblings as they will get more use from the propery than you will. Dont let him get bogged down in the Sunk Costs Fallacy as you will never see that money back, so better to walk away now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2018 02:19

Basically they're paying for someone else to live in their property.

Emotionally I can see how he wouldn't want to let the house go but it sounds like a money pit that isn't worth what they are putting in. Greece's economy is screwed, the house isn't legally built and it's shared ownership! Convince him to get out if he can. And no more of the children's money goes to it.

kittensinmydinner1 · 02/01/2018 08:23

This isn't 'your children's money' though. It's YOUR joint marital savings. So half yours.
Whilst you have absolutely no right to remove joint money into an account your husband can't access as suggested by pp. you should instead assure your savings are in a joint account that requires two peoples authority to access. Existing joint accounts can be changed to this requirement.
Then refuse any joint signature.

EssentialHummus · 02/01/2018 08:41

I’m so sorry, what a mess! I agree with others that having BIL / Sis buy DH out on the basis that you’ll never use the place is the best solution.

Isetan · 02/01/2018 08:59

Stop enabling this bullshit and protect your children’s finances.

dorislessingscat · 02/01/2018 09:05

You need to remove his access from family finances until he agrees to have a sensible conversation.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 09:12

And how do you sugget she does that doris ?

AfterSchoolWorry · 02/01/2018 09:12

That house is a money pit.

Move that money out of reach of your dh.

€20 k per year to a caretaker??? That's nuts. Also that house will never be able to be sold, it has no planning permission!!!

abualb · 02/01/2018 09:20

You need a longer term plan to be agreed

Wtf is your husband thinking?

He seems to think the only option is to continue propping it up. He should renounce, force a sale, askthem tobuy out his share, or something else. Whilst ALSO reducing costs e.g. the overpaid "caretaker".

Ask him two questions:
What would he be doing if he didn't have your savings to dip into for this property?
At what point will a decision be forced on them all? (In ten years, he may be forced to choose a long term option because he's burning through cash)

Be kind but firm, I understand he maynot like dealing with it esp as it's related to FIL death and his sibling bravado (not wanting to admit he can't continue to sinkcash).

But he needs to put on his big girl pants and stepup to the responsibility here. At the moment he's not.

Show him this thread or get him to a professional estate planner if impartial advice would help.

As a total aside, i really don't think it's on for your DH and his brother to "decide" to deal with it and not involve sister... What the heck... It's her property too. Is she mentally incapable or are they just being macho by cutting her out? They might have good intentions ("sis needs shielding") but it could be perceived poorly, not on. And is exactly the sort of crap that means widows take years to get a handle on things when male family members have kept them out of the loop, ignorant and unable to participate fully. That's a shameful thing for your DH to be colluding in?!

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