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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to use a childminder for DS1 when new baby arrives?

62 replies

Lilonetwo · 01/01/2018 22:00

I have a 13 month old who will be 16 months when my next DC is born in April. I have just gone back to work part time.

I am worried about how I will cope with such a young toddler and a newborn at home alone when he/she is born.

I've never looked at childminders as I'm fortunate enough to have a family member take care of my DS1 when I work, but they won't be able to help out when new baby is born.

Another thread this evening has made me think about possibly using a child minder for DS1 for the early days. Is this even possible? For perhaps 1 day a week for 6 months? Or 2 half days a week until DS2 is out of the really tough early days of cluster breastfeeding, colic e.t.c.

Or does a child minder need a longterm contract and longer days. Perhaps it depends on childminders.

Would that be very mean of me on DS1? I am worrying about keeping on top of everything at home alone. (DH isn't able to help much at home at all.)

Sorry if I sound a bit silly. Just want to bounce some ideas and unsure if I should raise the issue with DH...

OP posts:

pastabest · 01/01/2018 22:09

I'm in the same position (same age difference!)

I haven't quite decided what I'm doing yet but I am certain that at least 1-2 days a week DD will be going to nursery/childminder/granny with her slightly older cousins.

The decision is easy for me though as DD is a very sociable and active child and thrives on being with other children. She is bored shitless on the days we spend at home even now. I can't justify the cost at the moment as we do a few playgroups etc which is enough but once her sibling is here it's going to be difficult for us to get out as much at first (very rural so doing anything even popping to the shop requires a 4 mile car journey) so I would hate for her to miss out.

Enidblyton1 · 01/01/2018 22:10

Not a silly idea at all.
It obviously depends on your toddler and new baby, but I actually found myself spending most energy on my older child when the younger one was born. I had a very easy second baby, who slept a lot and was very placid and easy when awake. In contrast my 2 year old was demanding and needed my attention. So a childminder for me would have been useful to help with the newborn more than the toddler!
If you were able to have someone coming to your house it could offer you more flexibility than having to go to a childminders house too. I have a lovely lady now who cleans and irons for me and also loves children so will help out with childcare when I like. That sort of arrangement is amazing if you can find it.

Original poster

Lilonetwo · 01/01/2018 22:13

pastabest ah congratulations. It's a tough call. I feel a little guilty, I wouldn't want DS to feel I am sending him off away from the new baby. And also I don't know if I can afford the fees. 1 day a week should be fine though as I could save up before maternity leave. (SMP)

Probably best I just contact a CM and see what they say.

Unfortunately I won't be able to send DS to grandparents as they live too far.

OP posts:

strangerhoes · 01/01/2018 22:13

I don’t know.. 13 month old should be soth you. Their need for you doesn’t suddenly decrease because you’ve had another baby.

strangerhoes · 01/01/2018 22:14

Should be with you my apologies

Original poster

Lilonetwo · 01/01/2018 22:15

enidblyton sounds like you have nice deal going on there. How did you find your cleaning lady who helps with childcare?

OP posts:

Handsfull13 · 01/01/2018 22:18

I've not been in that position but I have a friend that is. She uses a childminder 2 and a half days a week. It's give her daughter a chance to play with children around her age and do activities you would struggle to do with a toddler and new born. And it gave her time to settle new born into a routine where she could learn to balance it all.
If your comfortable doing it then I would contact your local childminders to see if they have spaces and will accommodate whatever schedule you would like. Even if you change your mind at least you have checked your options.
Of course your child will miss you but they get to make friends and will enjoy the experience.

StrawberryMummy90 · 01/01/2018 22:20

I think even the most confident child will inwardly feel vulnerable and slightly unsettled with a new sibling. They will need reassurance that you are still there for them in the same way and love them just as much.

22 months between my DC and there’s no way I would of sent eldest to nursery. I think it’s quite cruel actually in that circumstance. Just my opinion.

Situp · 01/01/2018 22:20

an alternative is to find a local student / teenager to come to your house and play with the toddler for a few hours a week. You retain responsibility and your DC1 gets someone's undivided attention.

StrawberryMummy90 · 01/01/2018 22:21

Although my DD’s personality may be clouding my judgement. She is generally quite shy and clingy to me, so for me it would be a big no no.

pastabest · 01/01/2018 22:21

But stranger the op will still be there the other 6 days of the week, she's not talking about sending the child off 9 -5 5 days a week.

I actually think it's worthwhile in terms of letting the child gain some indpendence and socialisation, it also means the second child gets some 1:1 time that the older child has so far had unlimited access to until the second child came along.

MollyBloomYes · 01/01/2018 22:23

When I left my nursery job I became a sort of mother's help for a while, initially to help a mum who had nasty morning sickness for a few hours a day (was fairly ad hoc). We got on so well that the arrangement continued once the newborn had arrived. Sounds like this sort of thing might be ideal-keeps your older child in the house and still seeing you and an extra adult around to help out with whatever child needs it. I also used to do a bit of food prep, washing etc but this can be discussed with whoever you hire.

If you go on the childcare websites they should have a section for mother's helps, you probably won't be looking at fees as expensive as nannies but do bear in mind this is because it is generally expected they won't have sole charge of the children as you'll be in the house with them.

QueenAmongstMen · 01/01/2018 22:26

Go for it OP!

When my second baby was born my first child was 3.5 years old and it was so, so hard.

My first child had been going to a childminder twice a week for a very long time by then anyway but when baby was born we upped his time in childcare to three days a week instead of two.

I absolutely needed that time of just dealing with the baby Because even on just the two days a week they were both home with me I was exhausted trying to manage the both of them. Plus, it was nice to have one on one time with the baby.

I'm still on maternity leave now (baby is 5 months old) and my first child continues to go to childcare three days a week. We are very fortunate that he gets his free hours but even if he didn't we would still pay to have him in childcare for at least two days a week to give me a breather!!

pastabest · 01/01/2018 22:26

strawberry you realise some people don't have a choice and have to put their children into nursery at that kind of age to go to work etc?

Are they all cruel too?

My friend who is a reception teacher says it is immediately obvious in the first few weeks which children have been in organised childcare at some point in their early years and which ones have stayed at home/ attended everything with mummy until going to school.

ForeverBubblegum · 01/01/2018 22:35

Not unreasonable at all, my 14 Month old go’s to childminder 2 days a week and absolutely loves it. Not quite the same situation as I work so he ‘has too’ but if I did have another I would keep him in if I could afford it. Not sure which of these apply to you but my reasoning would be:

1 – He loves it and does far more then I could manage at home especially with a new born

2 – Another perspective from an expert who knows him well so can monitor his development pick up on any difficulties he may have

3 – one to one time with DC2, is only far as DC1 will of had you all to himself for first year of life

4 – would be unfair to withdraw him for 9mounth mat leave and then have to go through ‘settling in’ again when I go back to work (I know doesn’t apply but might be worth considering what will happen after mat leave, could be easier if DS1 is already sorted then trying to settle both at once)

blue2014 · 01/01/2018 22:39

Why not just keep the childminder long term? If you find a good one they can be amazing. Set it up now for before the baby is born so it doesn't feel like they both happen at the same time and if you can manage if so short days or half days

Original poster

Lilonetwo · 01/01/2018 22:40

stranger and strawberry absolutely fair enough. But at 16 months I'm sure a large proportion of other toddlers are also going to nursery/CM 1 day a week while parents work?

I think cruel is a bit harsh? Mind you, I did ask for opinions.

OP posts:

StrawberryMummy90 · 01/01/2018 22:41

strawberry you realise some people don't have a choice and have to put their children into nursery at that kind of age to go to work etc?

Are they all cruel too?

No. As I said in that circumstance I think it’s cruel (never been to nursery/child minder before, new sibling)

I have nothing against nurseries and will be sending DD soon but I wouldn’t of sent her as soon as her sibling arrived, she was unsettled and more clingy than usual. I believe it would of been cruel for me to do that.

Excited101 · 01/01/2018 22:42

I hate this argument for childcare. What difference does it make long term?! Why should it matter that it's 'immediately obvious'? Children are different, home circumstances are different. If it's proven to be detrimental in adult life to have 'attended everything with Mummy' then maybe it's worth looking into but guess what, it won't be.

Chchchchangeabout · 01/01/2018 22:44

What about a post natal doula? They will offer support such as playing with your older one while also setting things up for success when they are gone. I found this invaluable.

peachgreen · 01/01/2018 22:44

Absolutely ridiculous to call it 'cruel'. Plenty of much-loved children are in full or part-time professional care far earlier than 16 months and they do just fine.

Go for it OP, enjoy some one on one time with the new baby - DC1 enjoyed plenty! I would start it a while before the new baby arrives though so that DC1 doesn't see a connection and feel pushed out.

Original poster

Lilonetwo · 01/01/2018 22:45

Yes true it does sound mean. "Sending them off".

DS isnt clingy at all. So it does make me feel a little confident he would be happy and enjoy it. (He does like to be kept busy though.)

Financially im not sure it's an option as I only get SMP. So it's something I really have to consider.... I'm not sure DH will agree it's a good idea.

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 01/01/2018 22:45

If you are going to do it, I would do it as soon as possible so your eldest is settled and in a routine prior to baby arriving.

StrawberryMummy90 · 01/01/2018 22:46

Parents working is a completely different circumstance.

They are at work. They are not at home with another child feeding, cuddling etc. a new sibling turns a child’s world upside down in the first few months especially, no matter how confident they are. To send them off to nursery during that time when they have never attended before is, IMO, slightly cruel.

As I said my DD is quite clingy so perhaps that’s clouding my judgement. We all know what’s best for our own children and what they can cope with.

MerryMarigold · 01/01/2018 22:46

I used somebody else's au pair who was free in school hours to help me out. I actually used them to help out with my babies (twins), folding clothes, cleaning up a bit whilst I spent time with my oldest.

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