WIBU to use a childminder for DS1 when new baby arrives?

[Lilonetwo]

I have a 13 month old who will be 16 months when my next DC is born in April. I have just gone back to work part time.

I am worried about how I will cope with such a young toddler and a newborn at home alone when he/she is born.

I've never looked at childminders as I'm fortunate enough to have a family member take care of my DS1 when I work, but they won't be able to help out when new baby is born.

Another thread this evening has made me think about possibly using a child minder for DS1 for the early days. Is this even possible? For perhaps 1 day a week for 6 months? Or 2 half days a week until DS2 is out of the really tough early days of cluster breastfeeding, colic e.t.c.

Or does a child minder need a longterm contract and longer days. Perhaps it depends on childminders.

Would that be very mean of me on DS1? I am worrying about keeping on top of everything at home alone. (DH isn't able to help much at home at all.)

Sorry if I sound a bit silly. Just want to bounce some ideas and unsure if I should raise the issue with DH...

peach green yes I agree. If I did, I would need to send DS asap before baby is born to stop him from feeling 'pushed out'.

Changes I will look into a doula. Didn't know they did postnatal work

My experience is that sending a toddler to a CM/nursery 1 day a week is really unsettling for them - it's too long a gap between visits, and 16 months is still a baby. And if the new routine isn't in place long before the baby is born, there are likely to be issues around your oldest feeling displaced by the the newborn.
I think that the suggestion of getting a mothers help/student is sensible, and more flexible in some ways - they can help you around the house and with the babies generally, or take the older one out for a bit.

My DD (currently at nursery full time because I work) will be staying in nursery 3 days per week when DS arrives in May. DD is happy and settled in a lovely nursery and it’ll be good to maintain some semblance of her routine when I’m on mat leave whilst still getting some time at home with me and DS. She’ll benefit from being with her friends in a stimulating environment and I’ll get 1:1 time with the new baby. Practically speaking this also means we retain the space at nursery and both children will be there full time when I go back to work again. (SE, oversubscribed nurseries hence early organisation!)

I'm going to also look up a 'mother's help'
It sounds like a good suggestion.

I had a newborn with a 20 month old. It was fine and i found I could do loads with the oldest whilst the baby slept. I do however find it is mighty difficult now they are 3.5 years and 20 months.

I doubt a 16 month old is going to be able to formulate that they are now in childcare one day a week specifically because of a new sibling appearing as opposed to a parent going to work. They aren't going to be sat in nursery all day thinking jealous thoughts about the baby being cuddled whilst they aren't there.

The new sibling is going to appear at some point whether or not that's before or after nursery is introduced.

Could you start with the Childminder soon so it's well established by time baby arrives? That would also give you a bit of a break as pregnancy progresses which will no doubt be very welcome!

Continuing to send our elder son to the Childminder since the arrival of our daughter three months ago has been really helpful for us, kept him in his routine and gave the opportunity for lots of fun with other kids while giving me some space with the baby. The days when it's three of us at home he is the centre of attention so this feel a like a good compromise which keeps us all happier.

had our second child a few months ago and have continued to send #1 to the Childminder we've been using for the last two years.

How can they tell, Pasta? What characteristics do children who have been in paid childcare have that those who haven't don't have? And vice versa?

@StrawberryMummy90 Nobody's suggesting she packs him off to full time nursery the moment the baby arrives so she can stay at home and coo over her newborn. Besides, doesn't the second baby also deserve some of mum's one on one attention where possible?

Definitely worth investigating. We had a trainee doula - fully trained and working with a mentor but cheaper - for a few hours a day. Made such a difference!

She said just things like being able to sit at a table with others, understanding things like lining up, that they couldn't sit on her knee all the time, having to wait their turn, putting hands up and just generally how to interact with their peers etc.

She may have just been saying it to reassure me though when I thought I was going to have to go back to work sooner than planned and possibly put DD in full time nursery.

As a PP said even though that's probably the case at the start that eventually all children will catch up socially quite quickly whatever their previous experiences are.

I doubt anyone can say that they personally were scarred emotionally by having to go to nursery at any stage as a child though. I went to nursery 2 days a week at 3 years old and have no memories of it whatsoever, good or bad despite my mum telling me she thought the woman that ran it one of the days was horrible.

It always surprises me when people talk about it being cruel.

My DC1 was in childcare 4 days a week from 6m (2 days with GPs and 2 days in nursery). We switched nursery at 2y4m and then DC2 was born when DC1 was 2y8m. I kept DC1 in his childcare arrangements for all of my 7m of Mat leave, although I would sometimes have him on GP days and would often spend some/all of their days with them. It worked well. DC2 was pretty easy going whereas DC1 is more demanding. I don’t think DC2 gets much attention when DC1 is around, although there’s plenty of stimulation. I didn’t want any significant changes around the time of the new arrival. I was very surprised that DC1 resisted me going back to work (when he was aged 3y3m) because it really didn’t make much difference to him - he continued to have 3 full days with me.

I think some nurseries don’t allow you to have only a day as it doesn’t allow time to settle (or so they say). I would try and get whatever you’re going to do in place now. If DC1 starts nursery, you may well find that they are ill several times over the first few months. We had coughs/colds, sickness and diarrhoea, hand foot and mouth and Scarlet Fever in the first year.

I would definitely arrange some childcare for the older one. I have a slightly bigger age gap; dd was 18 months when the new baby arrived and was already at nursery for two full days whilst I was at work. I have kept her in nursery whilst I'm on maternity. She loves nursery and it helps keep me sane / have the time to get everything done.
I don't see it as mean but perhaps settle her in before the new arrival so she doesn't feel pushed out.

My eldest was already attending childcare 2 days a week & had 1 day with a gp when DC2 came along (DC1 was 2.5). We kept to that arrangement & sometimes they spent 2 days with a gp. I found it super helpful particularly in the earlier days when establishing bf.

DC1 really enjoys his childminder (she has a son the same age) & I felt he would prefer it. He also started preschool during mat leave & I kept the childminder for wrap around care. Although that was more because I didn’t want to loose my place for when I return to work.

I doubt a 16 month old is going to be able to formulate that they are now in childcare one day a week specifically because of a new sibling appearing as opposed to a parent going to work. They aren't going to be sat in nursery all day thinking jealous thoughts about the baby being cuddled whilst they aren't there

Actually I think it would be pretty obvious mum is dropping off to nursery with another baby, leaving with another baby, collecting with another baby. All the older child will see is when they are not with their mum, the baby is. In general I don’t think this is a bad thing, if OP’s DS had an established routine which involved nursery and it was a familiar setting with familiar faces. But to send them to nursery/child minder for the first time when there’s also a new sibling IMO is mean. My DD wouldn’t of coped well at all, however maybe OP’s DS is more resilient and might be able to without it having a negative effect. It was just my opinion.

nobody's suggesting she packs him off to full time nursery the moment the baby arrives so she can stay at home and coo over her newborn. hmm

Nor did I suggest that’s what the OP’s doing I was in OP’s situation 5 months ago when DD2 was born and fully appreciate how hard it is. DD1 turned 2 a few months ago and has never been to nursery, after her sibling arrived was not an appropriate time to start sending her. I did not want her to feel replaced or pushed out.

Besides, doesn't the second baby also deserve some of mum's one on one attention where possible?

Of course they do. Baby’s needs are basic and survival at this point. Feed, sleep, nappy changes, cuddles and repeat. A toddler is much more complex and has emotional needs that need to be met, especially when a new sibling arrives and turns their world upside down. I had lots of one to one time with DD2 once eldest was in bed, napping, playing with toys. Baby can be put in a sling (mine both hated sling for some reason so I appreciate doesn’t work for everyone) and be attached to you constantly. It is hard but very doable. I wanted us all to find a ‘normal’ and adjust to life as a 3, to bond etc. it wasn’t the right time to send DD1 to nursery even for a day a week.

Lilonetwo, I found my cleaner/mothers help by putting an advert in the newsagents window. It's worth asking around your local area.

I don't understand this mumsnet obsession with 'one on one time' with a second baby - what does it actually entail ? Baby will be fed and held much of the day and night anyway- it's impossible not to be feeding and holding them most of the time. Slings come in handy here . It'll be the toddler, not the baby, who will be needing the 'one on one time ' with you.

DS was already going to nursery 3 days a week when DD was born.
He carried on after she was born too!

He was older - 3.1 though, Nursery coast were covered by his 15 hrs funding and Child Care Vouchers, which my emoter continued during my second maternity leave.

DS got time with his friends, and got to do all sorts of things I wouldn't have had the energy or inclination to do with him at home.

Baby DD and I got time at home together.

All was good.

We will be sending ds1 to nursery one morning a week when new baby is 6 months old and he will be 2yrs 4months. Purely because he is very very sociable and high energy and I think it will do him good to be around other children without me there. We're not sending him earlier for the simple fact that I'm not comfy sending him when he'll be adjusting to the new arrival, I don't want him to feel pushed out

I had to keep DS at his nursery 2 days a week with DD was born. He was 19 months. I would have lost the place otherwise and needed it for when I returned to work. It was an amazing nursery and he loved going there. Much more fun than being with tired me and DD. Go for it.

*when. Sorry!

I would definitely do it, if you don't have other options (e.g. Family) for help. I'd start the care now and go for 2 mornings, rather than 1 full day, or even 2 full days. 1 day a week is too long between sessions at that age, in my opinion. Starting now gives your toddler time to adjust before another change happens with the new baby.

I kept mine in childcare each time a new sibling was born. It was different that they'd already been in childcare but I reduced the time a bit and continued with it. I had no local family help. The 1-1 time with the newborn baby was lovely and much needed. I remember spending entire days just sat on the sofa or in bed cuddling the new baby, once a week, in the early days. Bliss. The chance to take the baby to at least 1 activity aimed at the baby, rather than baby simply being dragged along to toddler/preschool activities was lovely. It was also easier to run errands with just the baby, in the early days. And the older child/ren got a chance to socialise and do age appropriate activities without having to pause or wait for a cluster-feeding sibling. I only did it for a couple of sessions a week so I still had plenty of time with the older child/ren and the siblings got lots of time together too (something that was very important to me).

I found having someone help me at home by playing with the toddler didn't work as the older child would find that more upsetting than in an environment that wasn't associated with me. (Fortunately really as it actually worked out more expensive, unless the mothers help was registered and could take childcare vouchers or the equivalent).

If you have other options, such as friends or family to informally help out, then it might be worth avoiding the costs. But otherwise, find a lovely childminder and go for it!

I would be wary of putting my child in childcare when the baby arrived as I wouldn't want them to feel pushed away by the baby.
Toddlers often become more clingy when a new baby arrives because it changes their life so much.