Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down the holiday off a lifetime

60 replies

WalkingWolly · 01/01/2018 21:15

That I could never afford in a million years!

Long term friend, 15 years + has offered to pay for it all except for spending money. We were close friends then drifted a way for a few years (Dc) and now close again. She is very wealthy. I’m decidedly not.

But, she is er rather demanding when it comes to knowing what she does and doesn’t want to do. I know the whole week will turn into just following her around doing what she wants. I said yes but then thought about all the things I would love to do and know won’t happen as she won’t want to. This is from prior experience of accepting gifts from her.

But still I would get to tick an amazing holiday off my list.

AIBU not to go? Or should I think myself lucky and just suck it up

OP posts:
MelanieCheeks · 01/01/2018 21:17

For one week, I think I could accentuate the positive and not stress out too much about any bits you don't get to do.

Will the things she wants to do be terrible?

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 21:18

How luxe are we talking? I.e. How many thousands would it cost you to go.

It depends on what she is likely to want to do. If it is mostly sightseeing then I would suck it up and go.

If she is nitchy or superior then I wouldn't go.

DeegeeDee · 01/01/2018 21:19

Do it, you know what she will be like so you can let those feelings wash over you. Focus on the positives.

JeReviens · 01/01/2018 21:19

If you don't go you won't get to have done any of it. Go and at least you'll have done some stuff - including going somewhere that you wouldn't otherwise be able to. Go. Embrace it for what it is.

teaandtoast · 01/01/2018 21:19

Well she wants your company. Would it be so terrible for her to accommodate a few bits for you?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/01/2018 21:19

I probably wouldn’t under those circumstances as I would be worried about having to spend more money than I could afford while I was there on things she wanted to do and not get to do anything I wanted to.

BellyBean · 01/01/2018 21:20

Could you try saying you'll go if you can do xyz?

Redtartanshoes · 01/01/2018 21:22

If you don’t go you won’t have any nice bits.

If you go you might enjoy half of it or more. It’s a lot easier to be accepting of others demands when it isn’t costing you a fortune.

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/01/2018 21:23

Would she be open to you choosing one thing to do? i.e. "I'd really like to see XYZ, can we do that while we are there?" and then you be ok with not seeing anything else that you have chosen and let just being there be ok? I think if you go with the expectation that you ::might:: see XYZ but probably nothing else but have had a nice break away then you will have a good time. If you go with the expectation that you are going to miss out on all the great things you want to do then it will be miserable.

Ashamedandblamed · 01/01/2018 21:23

Why is she offering to pay. What's in it for her ?

budgiegirl · 01/01/2018 21:24

I’d go. You’ll be doing things you wouldn’t get to do otherwise ( I’m assuming the things she’ll want to do, you’d also be relatively happy to do?)

SwedishEdith · 01/01/2018 21:26

Need to know where it is and what she'll want to do v what you want to do.

SkyIsTooHigh · 01/01/2018 21:26

Depends how much you'd have to spend on stuff you don't want to do, and how much you'd hate doing her bits.

If not very much, then look on it as a lovely freebie and don't begrudge missing out on "your" bits. Keep reminding yourself you'd be missing out on them every bit as much back home in the rain. It's a really generous offer from your friend and it's fair enough she gets to set the itinerary.

But if it would mean a weird power dynamic, or spending your money and time doing stuff you dislike, then don't go.

Is it possible that her stuff and your stuff will align better with this trip?

Original poster
WalkingWolly · 01/01/2018 21:32

Yes that’s the thing, I’ll get to do stuff I wouldn’t usually be doing. I think it’s more that I resent being at her beck and call for the week Blush

Two years ago we went away together in the UK for a specific event. Literally two hours before we were due to go she made friends with some other people in the bar at the hotel and just announces we aren’t going to x event now we’re going to y instead. As much as I missed the event I was more annoyed at just having to meekly say well ok because she had paid for it IYSWIM?

OP posts:
speakout · 01/01/2018 21:33

I wouldn't go.

If she is " very wealthy" she will possible want to do expensive things and eat at expensive restaurants on holiday too.
If you are trying to budget and she thinks nothing of ££££ lunches out then it will cause conflict.

speakout · 01/01/2018 21:35

What is the destination?

I don't really get the " holiday of a lifetime" mentality.

diddl · 01/01/2018 21:35

" I know the whole week will turn into just following her around doing what she wants."

If what she wants to do definitely won't be what you want to do, then no, don't go.

Start saving!!

grumpysquash3 · 01/01/2018 21:38

TBH it's hardly the 'holiday of a lifetime' if you don't get to do anything you want.

AhJaysus · 01/01/2018 21:38

i wouldn't go.
I don't like being under a compliment to anyone.

SkyIsTooHigh · 01/01/2018 21:40

I call weird power dynamic then. A true friend would be solicitous of your feelings and preferences.

It's a lot to turn down though. One option is raising it with her, phrasing it very carefully and talking about your feelings rather than her actions. I'm sure she wants you to go, she'd enjoy your company. You're not a charity case and you do have a bit of bargaining power.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/01/2018 21:42

Hmm, the fact that she paid for you to go to a specific event and then blew it out sounds a bit... manipulative. Do you think she quite likes 'treating you' to things so she can order you around and extract gratitude from you?

GabsAlot · 01/01/2018 21:45

i know someone like your friend op and its hard work

its up to u but u go knowing what shes like-is there no way you'll ever be able to afford to go yourself

MollyWantsACracker · 01/01/2018 21:45

I wouldn’t go either. I’d be fuming by the afternoon of day 2.

One of my friends is always at me to go to a particular place that’s “hers” (like on the Janet owns Running thread). Can’t do it. BlushGrin

JaneyGotAGun · 01/01/2018 21:46

I wouldn't go, I couldn't deal with not having a say in where we were eating or what activity we were doing or whatever.

Agree with pp who said it sounds like she's on a bit of a power trip. Just because she's paid doesn't mean she gets to dictate the holiday. Feels very wrong to me

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 21:47

Yes, who pays for meals?

One of my friends thinks nothing of regularly spending £50 on a lunch or a cab.

I had to back off as I couldn't afford the friendship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread