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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down the holiday off a lifetime

60 replies

WalkingWolly · 01/01/2018 21:15

That I could never afford in a million years!

Long term friend, 15 years + has offered to pay for it all except for spending money. We were close friends then drifted a way for a few years (Dc) and now close again. She is very wealthy. I’m decidedly not.

But, she is er rather demanding when it comes to knowing what she does and doesn’t want to do. I know the whole week will turn into just following her around doing what she wants. I said yes but then thought about all the things I would love to do and know won’t happen as she won’t want to. This is from prior experience of accepting gifts from her.

But still I would get to tick an amazing holiday off my list.

AIBU not to go? Or should I think myself lucky and just suck it up

OP posts:
honeyroar · 01/01/2018 21:48

But once you're there you don't have to be at her beck and call. If you don't fancy something, say "actually I don't fancy that, shall we meet later - I think I will do X, you're welcome to come too". If she reminds you she's paid for your holiday say you're very grateful but so what, she hasn't bought you.

FlashTheSloth · 01/01/2018 21:49

Why can't you say "shall we do X and Y?" and when she says no, she wants to do A and B, you just say "ok, I'll go ahead on my own and meet you later." Surely just because she has paid that doesn't mean she owns you for the week. And if that is the case then she wouldn't be a friend.

I ditched a friend because she always wanted her way and would keep mentioning what she wanted until everyone agreed, even though they didn't want to do it. I was the only one who would say no, not for me.

speakout · 01/01/2018 21:51

Is it an expensive resort?

duffaho · 01/01/2018 21:51

I wouldnt go . The fact of having to meekly agree to anything every time would stick in my craw.
What would happen if you really didnt want to do something? Or couldnt afford/ didnt want to spend on something?

ThatWasNotLove · 01/01/2018 21:57

It sounds like she's paying you to accompany her, not paying for you to have a holiday of a lifetime WITH her.

I may have gone in the past. Now a holiday of a lifetime, even a holiday, wouldn't be worth it if I felt "paid-for" by my (so-called) friend. I'd rather save up and have a less luxurious trip in a few years.

CurlsandCurves · 01/01/2018 21:59

Why is she asking you too go on holiday with her, seeems a bit out of the blue?

Traffig · 01/01/2018 22:00

A laydee's companion?
Not for me, would be in trouble on day 1 for refusing to lace her stays...

Maryz · 01/01/2018 22:01

If she's a good enough friend to go away with, then surely she is a good enough friend to talk to about it.

If I were you I would first decide how much I wanted to go, and look on it as being a bit of a "paid companion" - she is paying expenses, you are paying her back by accompanying her to do the things she wants to do.

Having decided that it's all about her, then decide what is the minimum you need to fit in - so make it clear to her that you are going to have one full day (or two afternoons) to do something by yourself.

I'd go on an all-inclusive two weeks to the Maldives (but say in advance that I needed to full days snorkelling); I wouldn't walk round a shopping centre/casino in Las Vegas for a week, even if I did have a couple of days to visit the Grand Canyon.

squoosh · 01/01/2018 22:02

Sitting at home on a dark, cold January day my first thought it 'Can I go in your place. Even if it's a swinging resort populated by Noel Edmonds lookalikes?'.

HSMMaCM · 01/01/2018 22:02

I agree she's taking you as a companion, not taking you on holiday.

Aturkeyisnotjustforchristmas · 01/01/2018 22:03

There is no way that I would go.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/01/2018 22:03

Yes you’d be a paid companion, essentially, with no voice.

Nothing is worth that, apart from life saving shit.

StellaTins · 01/01/2018 22:04

Where to? Is it somewhere you could save and go to yourself?

WalkingInTheAir13 · 01/01/2018 22:07

I find it odd that she wants to pay for your holiday anyway.
Lady Bountiful?
Does she not have any friends in similar financial circumstances to her own? I believe that her only motivation is to make you beholden to her.
I personally would never go on holiday with anyone who was not on a similar financial footing to me. And by that I mean either much wealthier than me OR much poorer than me.
Great holidays are not dependant on just location.

KarmaStar · 01/01/2018 22:08

Hi OP
Personally,I wouldn't go.
I don't like to be beholden to anyone and certainly if she is paying she might think she's entitled to dictate what you do,where you go,when,where you eat,and that might include restaurants you can't afford to eat in but be too embarrassed to say.
Better to save up and go with someone you know you'd have a relaxed,happy time with.
But obviously your call😊

Handsfull13 · 01/01/2018 22:11

If it was me I wouldn't go. It isn't a holiday of a life time if you aren't going to get to do the things you actually want to do. You'll come home thinking of all the things you missed out on because you were so close to doing them.
You can't miss out on seeing something you were never in the same country as, but you can regret not going to see it when you were in the same city as it.

Knittedfairies · 01/01/2018 22:13

I wouldn't go either; as someone unthread said you'd be going as a paid companion - almost a member of her staff! You'd be at her beck and call to sort out problems, make reservations etc and possibly carry bags... No thanks.

MelonKnee · 01/01/2018 22:16

I said yes but then thought about all the things I would love to do and know won’t happen as she won’t want to. This is from prior experience of accepting gifts from her

Personally, I wouldn't go. A holiday is a time to relax and do whatever you want, at a pace that suits. Doesn't sound like you'd have much say or influence in that, even if it's a lovely resort. And if you're sharing a room, there'll be no escape from a bad atmosphere if she gets the hump if you don't do what she wants.

You could have a chat with her and find out more what she has in mind but as you've know her so long and have prior experience of the 'my way or no way' strings attached to her gifts, I think you already know how she'll be.

GottadoitGottadoit · 01/01/2018 22:22

If it was say, a week in Barbados, or Hawai, I think I could just think of her demands as ‘payment’ for being in an incredible, dreamed about location. And I would go Grin

brizzledrizzle · 01/01/2018 22:22

I wouldn't go, I am too fiercely independent for that. I do holiday with other people but they are people who are equally independent and we have days where we do our own thing and are not in each other's pockets. That would be difficult with somebody like your friend.

FinnegansCake · 01/01/2018 22:23

I wouldn’t go. I would hate to feel I had to go along with all my friend’s wishes whether I wanted to or not because I was beholden to her, and spend my holiday acting suitably grateful even if I was starting to resent having absolutely no say in how I spent my time.
Far better to save up (even if it takes years) and do the trip on your own terms than to go to your dream destination and be frustrated.

JaneEyre70 · 01/01/2018 22:26

I wouldn't go. There's nothing worse than going somewhere you've always wanted to, but having zero say over what you see and do there. I've always wanted to go to New York and went 2 years ago with DH - who did nothing but complain as he'd taken his work shoes that were comfy for sitting at his desk but he couldn't walk in Hmm. How the hell he thought we were going to get about I've no idea. We had to go shoe shopping after he'd had a meltdown and tbh we didn't do half of what I wanted to as we spent most of the time looking for toilets due to the huge vats of takeaway coffee he kept drinking. A dream holiday can rapidly become your worst nightmare. I'd say go on your terms or not at all.

GottadoitGottadoit · 01/01/2018 22:27

Thing is, I can see myself standing on a beautiful white beach, with palm trees all around and an incredible sunset, and know that the feeling of joy would be worth suffering ‘lady bountifulness’ from a ‘friend.’

GottadoitGottadoit · 01/01/2018 22:30

Just how bad is she? I am now remembering trips to ‘paradise’ type locations with my ex DH being totally ruined by his sulks.

The dynamics are unlikely to be that bad with a friend though, surely? Since you know what she’s like you will be resigned to it, which will lower the emotions anyway?

ShiftyMcGifty · 01/01/2018 22:31

It depends. Is she whisking you off to New Zealand and wants “drag you” to tour wineries and be pampered all day in spas while you’d rather dress up as a hobbit and climb a remote rock along with other movie fans?