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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No one has loved you enough to marry you...

100 replies

Lakeplacid · 01/01/2018 15:04

Said to me by a friend of a friend, in what I think was intended to be s sympathetic tone.

I said I'm not really interested in getting married anyway, and that the success rate of marriage is so low I'd rather be happily unmarried. Which comment of course she laughed off

Everyone else stood there in silence. It was like something out of a Bridget Jones film.

A couple of days later I'm still stewing on it. Is this what people think of me? That I'm not worthy of marriage? I know when I had a relationship break up a few years ago someone else made the unsolicited comment that he clearly didn't love me enough to stay in a relationship.

Is it me? Or do I just know a load of basic bitches?!

OP posts:

Warmblanketfoot · 01/01/2018 15:46

She’s a bully and was trying to manipulate and set you up

What she wanted was for you to start criticising marriage so you then fell out with all the married people who were watching whilst she fed off the drama as she made out you were some “angry anti relationship” person

She wanted to create this situation where you start being defensive and self defining as Single Woman

Rather than start justifying yourself if you can’t go NC, I’d tell her she’s being a judgemental controlling bully and why is she saying unpleasant things. Your marital status isn’t up for discussion: her lack of manners is.

Because that’s the core issue, not “married vs single”

tabbywabby · 01/01/2018 15:47

Wow, what a truly nasty (not to mention thick as pigshit) thing to say.

LuluJakey1 · 01/01/2018 15:50

A comment like this was the final straw in me going NC forever with my bitch of a cousin. She had eroded my self-confidence for years and then when I split up with someone I had been with for a couple of years in my late 20s and was really upset, she said smugly, 'It must be awful for you to know he didn't really want to be with you and to find yourself alone again. Freddie (her H) and I are always saying we feel sorry for people who never get married. They must have such unhappy, pointless lives. Poor you' (words might not be exact, it was about 10 years ago).

She knew exactly what she was saying. I felt like Bridget Jones when she says 'We all have lizard skin' when a smug married git asks her why so many women don't marry. I wanted to punch my cousin in the face.

It was the impetus I needed to do what I should have done years earlier and just cut her out of my life completely. I have never missed her.

I met DH about a year later and have been married very happily for 8 years with two DC. But I would have been OK if I hadn't. My life does not rely on him.

Ellie56 · 01/01/2018 15:53

Presumably you didn't invite Bitch Cousin to the wedding Lulu?

mummmy2017 · 01/01/2018 15:59

Just tell her your waiting for the one who makes your toes curl..

But you don't mind kissing a few frogs first...

lolaflores · 01/01/2018 16:03

Oh Christ darling...you want to meet some of the absolute prizes some of my friends have nabbed for themselves from the top shelf of marriage material....dear God.
Pure, unadulterated, bull shit that I had hoped was a thing of the bloody past. But there are people in this life who just scoop the bottom out of things as they can find nothing else to sling at you.
Fuck her and her shite.
I am enraged for you

Warmblanketfoot · 01/01/2018 16:04

It’s actually quite symptomatic of the trashy attitudes you find in the mainstream media as well?

Prince Harry’s (Garry’s ?) previous relationships have broken up because of the usual “busy young people” reasons

mutual consent, or as his ex girlfriends have wanted to move on with their careers and basically not have a life/relationship with no privacy and independence

But the media presents it as if they “failed” for not “catching” him (both are very attractive millionaires with their own careers)

Of course marriage is cool when it works for both people and we all love a good wedding
it’s still important to call out sexist bullying when it occurs.

It’s a targeted campaign designed to make single women socially uncomfortable so they feel they have to immediately offer their labour and vagina to unattractive gamma male types

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 16:05

Lulujakey - well done! Did that cause any family issues? Was she invited to your wedding?

MikeUniformMike · 01/01/2018 16:09

Ignore it and move on. She's a twat and doesn't deserve another second's thought.

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/01/2018 16:13

Fuck me, what a horrible comment.
I'm 40 and have never been married, I'm single by choice, happy without being in a relationship.
If someone said that to me I'd ask why they needed to be married to validate them.

rainbowduck · 01/01/2018 16:15

People do say some idiotic things.

One of my best friends (who hasn't had a long term relationship for the last 20 years) once observed me asking DH to do something that I was perfectly capable of doing myself (in the early days of our marriage. my complete independent had created issues as he felt unneeded. So we compromised and I now ask him to do little things for me. No big deal, keeps him happy).

She snippily retorted 'that is why I could never get married, I could never be so helpless.'

She was told under no uncertain terms that her visit was over. I was raging.

It has never been mentioned again.

People need to learn to shut their traps.

ohfortuna · 01/01/2018 16:16

Freddie (her H) and I are always saying we feel sorry for people who never get married. They must have such unhappy, pointless lives

fucking hell eh:( Warmblanket is spot on with this
It’s a targeted campaign designed to make single women socially uncomfortable so they feel they have to immediately offer their labour and vagina to unattractive gamma male types

labeling you as pointless because you are not 'owned' by a man, this is just a tactic to stop women living their lives for themselves and pressurize them into devoting their energy into facilitating the lives and ambitions of men

LuluJakey1 · 01/01/2018 16:18

Cantucci She tried to contact me several times, including sending signed for letters which I refused to accept, and a postcard instructing me to meet her to discuss things which I ignored. Her mum asked mine what it was all about and I told my mum I did not wish to discuss it so she could not be put in an awkward position. My mum knew what she was like. Her parents never took sides and are still lovely to me.
No, she was not asked to my wedding. I have never had contact with her again. She turned up at my mum's funeral and I actually did not recognise her.

Her husband is a nice man who does as he is told.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/01/2018 16:18

A lot of people make excuses for rude people that it's just their way and they don't mean anything by it and often don't realise what they're saying, but. They do know what they're saying and there is no excuse.
The nasty bitch. I hope her husband is a shagging someone else as I type. She won't be so smug them will she.
I've got qualms or guilthe whatsoever about saying that

MushyPeasAndPie · 01/01/2018 16:18

I know this sounds glib but that comment says so much about her. Try and forget it as it's clearly said by someone who you would have no respect for.

Coyoacan · 01/01/2018 16:27

I know this sounds glib but that comment says so much about her

Indeed, she probably married the first jerk that asked her.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/01/2018 16:34

You shoulda said, "No love, I've not found anyone I can tolerate enough to marry."

I'm 34, not married and I'm really not that arsed about marriage. I've been single 8 years. That probably says s lot.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 01/01/2018 16:36

Oh Lakeplacid - sending you a huge hug through the internet.

I understand how you feel. Recently had my young nephew pointed out at Christmas lunch that “everyone has a pair except you, you’re all alone!” He meant no offence, and was so pleased and proud to have worked out by himself that everyone else was a couple, but it cut me to the quick. It was so unexpected! It didn’t help that everyone heard it and (like you!) there was an awful gap in conversation where no one said anything.

I have been telling myself they were taken by surprise, as I was, and were probably trying to judge my reaction and quickly think of something to say that wouldn’t draw attention to it and would just keep the conversation flowing. But like the thousand other little comments like this, it has bruised my heart a little.

Huge hugs for you. Next time you see her spill your drink on her.

Original poster

Lakeplacid · 01/01/2018 16:36

I'm in my 40s. I've had long term relationships (am in one now!) but never felt I particularly wanted to get married. I'm quite conventional in most respects so I think narrow minded people like this idiot find that odd.

It grates on me though because it does make me ask myself am I lacking in some way that no one has proposed to me? I have a friend who was engaged to 3 blokes before she was 25 (and then married someone else at 26) They were all complete twats though.

I really hate that shit like this makes me question myself. I have a male relative who is 18m older than me. Unmarried, no kids. Never even been in a relationship that we know of. But because he's a male and successful no one ever comments on it!

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/01/2018 16:38

Star. Your nephew is the king of Jerks.
I assume he's a grown man and not a 5 year old.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 01/01/2018 16:46

Awwlookatmybabyspider, no he is a child, and a dear sweet boy. I think he’s just got into the memory game or Noah’s Ark or something, as he was so proud to have worked out that people matched up too (well, all except me).

Truthfully, that hurt more. I wish I could say he was an arse and laugh it off like that. But like the OP, I’m now stewing on it and wondering if it is what everyone thinks but it too polite to say. Out of the mouths of babes, you know?

supersop60 · 01/01/2018 16:55

To Op's "friend" - "Aw, has no-one liked you enough to be your friend?"

Viviennemary · 01/01/2018 16:57

What utter nonsense. People get married for different reasons in any case. I wouldn't say all of them are madly in love. Some people marry for money and an easy life. At least you've not done that. Sometimes you look round at married folk and think who would want to marry you. Probably thinking the same thing about me. In other words pay no attention to her. She's an idiot.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 16:58

LuluJakey i hope getting her out of your life helped you to re-build your confidence. I much prefer your approach to the long-suffering one.

PuffinBadger · 01/01/2018 17:03

I was thinking the other day about a couple of my old school friends who both are very popular with many many friends and as well as both being kind people they are very tactful. They are never going to make insensitive comments that hurt your feelings. This woman seems to be the opposite!

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