No one has loved you enough to marry you...

[Lakeplacid]

Said to me by a friend of a friend, in what I think was intended to be s sympathetic tone.

I said I'm not really interested in getting married anyway, and that the success rate of marriage is so low I'd rather be happily unmarried. Which comment of course she laughed off

Everyone else stood there in silence. It was like something out of a Bridget Jones film.

A couple of days later I'm still stewing on it. Is this what people think of me? That I'm not worthy of marriage? I know when I had a relationship break up a few years ago someone else made the unsolicited comment that he clearly didn't love me enough to stay in a relationship.

Is it me? Or do I just know a load of basic bitches?!

You should have corrected her; You haven’t found anyone worth marrying.

I always think, without exception, that people who say things like this are unhappy in their own lives. Comments like this are either designed to make others as unhappy as they are or else stem from jealousy of something in the other person's life they are lacking.

I think some "sympathetic" passive aggressive response like "that's really sad that you would believe no-one would ever love you unless they ask to marry you." (Complete with sympathetic concerned look).

I've had/have lots of different sorts of love in my life from different family members, friends, past boyfriends... Possibly the worst and unhappiest relationship I've ever had was with the person who asked me to marry him and who thankfully I've now divorced. Your "friend" is talking nonsense.

What Makeitrain says ∆

How sad that that is her happiness benchmark.

What a cow.

It's a shame the right response didn't come to you at the time, they rarely do 😟

FWIW I'm married but I've never measured my self worth on it. What a ridiculous notion.

This woman is beat moved to the category ex friend of friend.

Everyone stood there in silence Lake because it was an ‘orrible thing to say. YRNBU. Next time, call them out with the Mumsnet gold standard “did you mean to be so rude?”

FWIW you’re right, anyway. Someone married me but this last year, after he left to go and live with OW, has been a lot more fun than the years in wedlock

Stormina-brilliant response! This sort if thing infuriates me beyond belief. I say this as a 44 year old woman who has been with my DP for 22 years this year and never wanted to marry. I get SO sick of people, women mainly, saying "together 22 years? But why hasn't he married you?!"..Yes, why hasn't HE married YOU? the answer, not that I should have to justify it to anyone is that we've just never felt like getting married. Should we ever want to, we will. That woman sounds dreadful too, btw!

This is why i hate the mrs/miss distinction. Women have to declare that they are worthy of marrying, and that defines their societal value.

I had friends at school like this. If they had a boyfriend it meant they were “better” than those that didn’t, more attractive, sexier, nicer. I still see schoolgirls every day whose value is wrapped in how many boys they attract.

It comes back to gender equality. Would you friend think the same of a man? Probably not.

Horrible cow, I'd no longer be calling her a friend.

you could spin it the other way and say that no man is worth giving up your freedom and Independence for
ffs you dont need to be validated by having a man want to marry you, much of the time men appear to select a woman who they think will be an ideal candidate to be an unpaid provider of domestic services and sexual favours
there is more to life than being locked down into wifework!

They’re just a bunch of bitches.

Did they themselves go away to university? I usually find those, who’ve lived away from their home town even temporarily tend to have broader horizons and don’t necessarily see life in quite such b&w detail.

That's an awful and totally untrue thing to say.
Marriage is far from the be all and end all. I am getting a divorce so maybe a little jaded
But seriously, this friend is downright bitchy. Marriage is not on its own a barometer of love.
Ditch her

'I have high standards, so I never wanted to settle.' Try that one the next time any twat comes out with similar nonsense.

(I am 53 and have never married. I never will. I'm almost proud of that fact.)

and as for this:
bumped into a girl I knew from school who asked how I'd found university and whether (since I'd not had a serious boyfriend while I was there) I thought going was a waste of time - as you're meant to meet your future husbands at uni. Wtf do you say to that?!

fucking hell, talk about limited horizons, has she no ambition, no vision?
use university as a springboard to go out and live your life, dont be looking for a husband, who needs one of those?

I wouldn't say its breathtakingly horrible, more that it shows quite the sheltered world view and really, and I'm inclined to pity her for her 1950s mentality. Come and have a gin with me and we'll have a good giggle

Having thought about it a bit more, I think it highly likely that the woman who said this is quite magnificently stupid. Because who with an ounce of intelligence, manners, social skills, wit, courtesy, any type of filter or self awareness, would utter such total arse gravy. Perhaps she doesn't understand that some thoughts can stay in your head. To keep the moths company.

Someone I knew who was unmarried used to say all the best china was on the shelf but all the mugs were married.

Clearly I am one of the mugs...

Lots of people are insecure / competitive / can only see life through the prism of their own priorities.

So her internal narrative will be 'well OP is better than me in XYZ respect but at least I'm married and she's not'.

Trust me, should the circumstances change in the future she'll find reasons to pick over that too.

I used to get these kind of comments. And their were plenty in my social circle that envied my professional success and looks, but consoled themselves that my love life was a disaster (it was). And they made these kind of comments. Then my love life got a lot better and they were gutted. As I'm still as successful at work and with the same physical attributes I had before, but now have a fab DH too.

Also, in the same way it's more acceptable to make very personal / bitchy comments to slim people than those overwieght, it's also, apparently, more acceptable to make comments to single people than those coupled up.

Lots of coupled up people are miserable in their relationships but telling themselves it's the one thing you've got.

She's unhappy, OP. If she wasn't she wouldn't say such things.

MirriVan

I have a 'friend' who has been with her husband for the exact time that I've been with my boyfriend. She takes great delight in saying how different their relationship is because they are married.
I always want to tell her how her husband talks about her when he sees my boyfriend but have kept quiet. Gives me some pleasure when she's been a smug cow.

What a cowbag!

Has it not occurred other that you may not have met anyone you wanted to marry?

We have all met any number of people we could contentedly live with - if we have ay sense we wait for the on we cannot live without!

AND - there's a lot to beside for being single - you are answerable no-one but yourself, can have sex with who you like (within reason) and don't have to justify your actions to anyone.

There are times I'd give my eye teeth for that freedom!

*to her, not other

Just looked again - so many typos I could cry. Use your imagination . . .