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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's really cheeky to remove Christmas flowers from the altar for your wedding

433 replies

user1485342611 · 01/01/2018 14:25

A good friend of mine is on the flower team for our local church. They did the altar up beautifully for Christmas. A wedding had been booked in the church for a few days after Christmas and they wanted to remove all the flowers and replace with their own arrangements. It was explained to the B&G that once the Church was decorated for Christmas it had to stay that way until 12th night.

The couple kicked up an almighty fuss and said there was no way they wanted red and white flowers on the altar during their wedding. Then, with no permission, they went into the church, removed all the Christmas arrangements from the altar and left them at the side of the Church. They then replaced them with their own flowers, and brought the flowers away with them after the wedding, leaving the altar (and the steps outside which were also decorated for Christmas) bare.

They told no one what they had done and when it was discovered my friend and her team (all voluntary workers) who had spent hours getting the Church ready for Christmas, then had to give up more of their time restoring the altar to the way it was. They were absolutely furious.

AIBU to think this was unbelievably cheeky and to also not understand why you would get married at Christmas time and then object to the Church being decorated in a Christmassy fashion?

OP posts:
meltingsugar · 01/01/2018 18:41

Doesn't sound like the B&G wanted a church wedding for any reason other than photos does it. More annoying for your friend I expect because leaving everything bare highlights that fact even more.

RadioGaGoo · 01/01/2018 18:49

Pearl, if it is a performance, it is one that the Church is willing to hold.

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 18:49

Yes because there's £££ involved!

expatinscotland · 01/01/2018 18:58

The vicar really needs to get a spine here, too.

SenecaFalls · 01/01/2018 18:59

We were married during the Christmas season. I thought it was a nice bonus that the church was beautifully decorated and we didn't have to pay for any of it. We just went with it; I even had holly in my bouquet.

When you get married in a church, you should follow their rules. Churches don't exist for the sole purpose of providing wedding venues, especially at Christmas.

AngelicaSchuylerChurch · 01/01/2018 19:01

So The vicar really needs to get a spine here, too. but also I thought religion taught forgiveness?

S/he can't really win, can s/he?

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 19:09

Why can't they win?

Have a spine and set out to every couple what is and isn't acceptable.

If they do something wrong, have a little whinge to yourself and get over it, don't slag them off on the internet in the hope it will bring them shame.

AngelicaSchuylerChurch · 01/01/2018 19:23

Have a spine and set out to every couple what is and isn't acceptable.

They did. OP says it was explained to the B&G that once the Church was decorated for Christmas it had to stay that way until 12th night. The B&G made the changes in secret. Should the priest have refused to conduct the wedding? Numerous posters are sarcastically pointing out that the priest must turn the other cheek and accept their behaviour based on their understanding of Christian teaching.

If they do something wrong, have a little whinge to yourself and get over it, don't slag them off on the internet in the hope it will bring them shame

With the usual caveats that we cannot ever really know who is behind a username, OP is neither the priest nor the flower arranger, but a friend of the latter who is shocked at the B&G's audacity.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 01/01/2018 19:26

Exactly Angelica. Really dislike the way some posters accuse anyone who posts an AIBU they don't agree with as 'whinging on the internet'. It's a discussion forum, and the issue is being discussed.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 01/01/2018 19:29

When I got married (CofE old school church) one of the stipulations was that we provided two flower arrangements and they had to staying the church after the wedding. (We could take pew ends etc.)

expatinscotland · 01/01/2018 19:31

'Should the priest have refused to conduct the wedding?'

The terms were explained to them. When they then 'kicked up an almighty fuss', that would have been a good time to let them know that if things weren't to their liking, they need to find another place to marry.

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 19:33

It is a discussion but you've posted this I assume knowing full well it will get picked up by a certain newspaper. The couple in question will almost certainly know it is them. Bit mean I think.

expatinscotland · 01/01/2018 19:38

'It is a discussion but you've posted this I assume knowing full well it will get picked up by a certain newspaper.'

Why assume that? It's one of hundreds of threads active today. OP just stared it as a discussion, perhaps. Why assume there's an ulterior motive behind everything?

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 19:39

I'm not saying op was aiming to get it in a national newspaper, but i assume op knows it is a possibility.

Lweji · 01/01/2018 19:39

The couple in question will almost certainly know it is them.

So?
They were arseholes. They deserve to know they were.

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 19:44

Maybe they are arse holes (or maybe once they made a bad choice) but do they really deserved to be nationally shamed? (I think I have an issue with the fact that someone who closely follows a religion would want to publicly shame someone else)

SenecaFalls · 01/01/2018 19:44

The terms were explained to them. When they then 'kicked up an almighty fuss', that would have been a good time to let them know that if things weren't to their liking, they need to find another place to marry.

I agree. DH and I were married in the Episcopal Church (US), part of the Anglican Communion like the C of E, but the priest had the right and the power to refuse to marry people who would not abide by the rules, which were: no real rose petals on the carpet (they stain); no secular music (so we couldn't bop down the aisle to the latest pop tune); we had to pay the church organist whether we used her or not (she was excellent so we did) and no changes to the Christmas decorations. If we wanted different flowers, we would need to wait until after Christmas ended on January 6.

Pearlsaringer · 01/01/2018 19:46

Enid I think you’ve taken my post about weddings being a performance as a judgment or criticism, it’s not. All ceremony is performance really if you think about it.

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 19:48

Yes I have. How is that all it is?

The ceremony is the most important bit of the wedding! The bit where you actually commit, what you will and wont do etc.

If that's just a performance why does anyone bother?

expatinscotland · 01/01/2018 19:54

' (I think I have an issue with the fact that someone who closely follows a religion would want to publicly shame someone else)'

The OP says it's a friend of hers who's a follower of the church. For all we know, the OP is a Jedi.

'I'm not saying op was aiming to get it in a national newspaper, but i assume op knows it is a possibility.'

But you do imply the OP started this specifically so the papers will pick it up, when you wrote, 'It is a discussion but you've posted this I assume knowing full well it will get picked up by a certain newspaper. '

You're projecting hugely here.

For all we know: a) it won't be picked up by a paper b) the couple might never know if it were c) they might not give a shit.

Pearlsaringer · 01/01/2018 19:56

Did I say that was all it was? My point is that you can get married without ceremony, by observing the legal formalities. All of the other stuff is performance, unless you also subscribe to the belief that you are committing yourself to each other before God. And if you do, it seems likely that you would attend church and be part of the Church community anyway.

Like another poster, no skin in the game myself, just making an observation.

SemolinaSilkpaws · 01/01/2018 19:58

I agree with Enid, if I got married and decided to marry in church I would want to go back to where I was christened and where my parents are buried. The last so I could feel they were included in a small way. I would be very upset to be told I couldn’t and would be doing everything I could to fit in with the wishes of the vicar there.

expatinscotland · 01/01/2018 19:59

'If that's just a performance why does anyone bother?'

Lots of reasons. To please others, legal reasons, societal pressure, to look good in public. Plenty of people on this thread have expressed the belief that they view churches as little more than pretty venues you can hire and do as you like with similar to a function room in a hotel.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2018 20:01

They will know that it was them, but who else is going to know? They won't exactly have broadcast to their friends at the wedding that they weren't supposed to change the flowers. Who else is going to know? It's hardly 'national shaming' as there are no names involved.

And has it occurred to you, Enid, that you're the one keeping this thread going by arguing so strongly in their support? If you stop posting, the others might just lose interest in the discussion.

lostinspaceyetagain · 01/01/2018 20:03

I was horrified when my SIL remove dir flowers from the church and took them to the reception. As a child the church was always wonderful after a wedding as the flowers were amazing. My SIL was not a church attender.

For my wedding we have the flower ladies money and they did the most amazing flowers that with redoing lasted a month.