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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Drunk husband at 28 weeks pregnant

60 replies

MaeBug · 01/01/2018 13:45

Hi there,

Am i being over sensitive?

My husband has a problem with alcohol, he binge drinks to absolute excess and will pass out/ become offensive/ miss out on things (like family events) for the next few days or sometimes have an extended binge which lasts a few days combining the above. They happen maybe 2 or 3 times a month on average. This has been apparent for the last 2 years of our 3 and a half year marriage. He is seeking help and after every binge promises me that things will change and he will drink less or sometimes he says he will stop drinking all together. When he isn't drinking things between us are great. He works hard, doing shift work, and never misses work due to his drinking so he must have some element of control over it?
We only really ever seem to have big rows after he's been drinking, usually as i get upset by the way he's acted (swearing at me or passing out on the pub floor or due to his shift work and my Mon-Fri job keeping me awake all night when i have work the next day- for examples).

I am 28 weeks pregnant and he got very drunk last night, New Year's Eve so i expected it but i was exhausted and ended up having to entertain guests who we had invited over while he was vomiting and sleeping and ended up having a very late, quite miserable night, putting him to bed, cleaning up sick etc.

He said today that he sees no problem with that, and that he was sober enough to see the New Year in.

One of his drinking buddies phoned him earlier and sounded far more worse for wear than my husband was at this point and suggested they meet for a drink, husband said no as drinking buddy would have needed to drive over which wouldn't have been safe or legal, but invited him over to our house later on today...

I got upset and said that i didn't want to entertain anymore drunk people today (I have work tomorrow and he is off for the next 11 days). So he arranged to go to the pub with a different friend and couldn't see why i find this upsetting?

He is at the pub now and i don't know if i'm just being tired and hormonal and unreasonable?

I'm scared that he's going to be like this when baby is born. His promises don't seem to amount to much at the moment and i feel like i'm at the end of my tether.

I never feel i can talk to friends/ family about his drinking as i don't want them to think badly of him.

Sorry for the long post and Happy New Year ♡

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 13:50

It's a horrible situation to be in Op, but it sounds as if he won't stop drinking and your life with him and a baby will be a series of rows, broken promises and let downs.

He can only stop if he really wants to and he quite clearly doesn't want to. I hope you are financially independent.

Trb17 · 01/01/2018 13:52

I’m sorry but he will be like this when the baby’s born.

While you help him cover up his problem by hiding it from your friends and family, you are adding to the problem.

bonzo77 · 01/01/2018 13:53

He won’t change. I’m so sorry you are having a baby with him. He’s being an absolute unmitigated cock. He’ll be out “wetting the baby’s head” while you’re nursing stitches and trying to look after a baby.

dingdongdigeridoo · 01/01/2018 13:54

He needs to get this under control before the baby is born. Sounds like he’s a functional alcoholic. He’s holding down a job and going through the motions, but has a dependency on alcohol.

It might be worth having a very frank talk and seeing if he’ll go to the GP.

specialsubject · 01/01/2018 13:58

You are shackled to and pregnant by a drug addict. He gets treatment or he leaves.

Crunchymum · 01/01/2018 13:59

He is a complete cunt.

2-3 times a month is basically every weekend?

He isn't going to change and quite frankly you need to take action now. What is the housing situation? Can you ask him to leave?

The more pregnant you get (or if you wait until baby arrives) then the harder it will be.

There is absolutely nothing that you have written which can be excused or defended. He is vile and he is dragging you and your baby down with him.

ChelleDawg2020 · 01/01/2018 14:00

The trouble with addiction is that the addict can't always stop even if they want to. I have no doubt that he genuinely means it when he says he will cut down or give up, but his addiction means that he cannot keep his word.

It is good that he has sought help in the past and it is good that he is aware that the situation is bad.

He won't change in the short term - certainly not before or soon after the baby is born - but with your help he may be able to change in the longer term. Encourage him to seek help again and above all, keep holding the door to recovery open for him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/01/2018 14:02

You are going to need some help from somewhere once the baby is born. If he is off most weekends on a few days worth of drunk he isn't going to be any use to you at all.

Hard as it is you need to sit down and think over whether this is what you want out of life.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 01/01/2018 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2018 14:07

I'd say he's likely to be even more like this when the baby is born, as you'll feel less able to leave.

I never feel i can talk to friends/ family about his drinking as i don't want them to think badly of him.

Why not? It's not your job to stop other people thinking badly of him.

That's his job, which he's obviously failing at anyway.

sprockercrazy · 01/01/2018 14:10

A baby isn't going to miraculously change his behaviour, in fact , the chances are it will
Make it worse and you will end up feeling even more exhausted, vulnerable and alone ..

He needs an ultimatum NOW!

MikeUniformMike · 01/01/2018 14:15

Your husband has a drink problem (just bin case you hadn't guessed).
An ultimatum may or may not work. Ultimatums do not work unless you follow it through.
Get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave.

MTverystressed · 01/01/2018 14:19

OP did your husband promise to change if you got pregnant? or has he tried to get help with his drinking in the last 2 year?

RibenaMonsoon · 01/01/2018 14:19

My friend had a similar issue. In the end she had to give the ultimatum. The drink or me!
Luckily it ended well for her.
I would do as others have suggested. Get your affairs in order and get ready to leave, then give the ultimatum. You cannot cave if you decide to do this though. As he will think he can have his cake and eat it if you do.

sprockercrazy · 01/01/2018 14:21

Totally agree Mike - any ultimatum needs to be followed through otherwise it's a green light for him to continue his behaviour/ addiction

Munchyseeds · 01/01/2018 14:21

I would be asking him to leave now.
It won't get better when the baby comes, it wiĺl be worse
Maybe, just maybe when he sees what he stands to lose he might ditch the alcohol and grow up

user1493413286 · 01/01/2018 14:22

It sounds like he needs some professional help and to recognise he has a problem which if he’s still drinking he isn’t seeing a problem; he might have friends who do the same thing and that reassured him that it isn’t a problem but that doesn’t make it ok.
You need to start thinking about the effects on your baby and on you trying to care for a baby when he is like that.

LittleBirdBlues · 01/01/2018 14:22

I'm so sorry to hesr what you're going through op, it is deeply unfair on you and your baby.

I agree you need to ask him to stop drinking NOW, otherwise you will leave. E can't be trusted to moderate his drinking nor does he seem to want to do so at the moment.

Do you have somewhere you could go and stay? Otherwise I suggest getting all your paperwork sorted and preparing for plan B.

Do not have a baby while he is like this. Babies are exhausting and if he isn't able to ditch his addiction now he certainly won't be able o do it when your child arrives. You need a stable home for your baby. If he isn't sober, he can't be a part of that.

Good luck.

DoinItForTheKids · 01/01/2018 14:24

When I was married to 'D'H, his uncle used to come and stay sometimes. He would rapidly go through 2-3 bottles of red in rapid succession and (obviously) get smashed.

In our old house I was in the garden (French doors) looking into the kitchen, through the open kitchen door, across the hallway and into the study where DS (then about 3) was with this pisshead, and DD in my arms, she'd have been about 1 then. The uncle was so pissed he fell, poleaxed, to the ground just missing DS. DD was hysterical (she adored her DB).

Had pissed up uncle fallen on my DS he could literally have killed him.

I would not want that potential around a young child. He's obviously not going to change and it creates an unsafe environment and means that you will ALWAYS be the one getting up to your child because half the time either he won't be capable of doing so and you're always going to be exposing that child to risk because of his horrendous drunkenness and the atmosphere of rowing and upset would be awful.

It sounds like a horrific situation which may have just about been tolerable for you when it was just you, but for my thinking, untenable with a child.

CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 14:24

You should talk to your family about this, you are going to need their support. Sod covering up for him , they probably know anyway.

MissConductUS · 01/01/2018 14:25

He is seeking help

How exactly? It certainly doesn't seem to be working. Get to an al-anon meeting for some advice. It's a support group for friends and family of alcoholics.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

I agree with the others on preparing a backup plan if he doesn't agree to get real help, now.

DoinItForTheKids · 01/01/2018 14:27

He's not seeking help, he's seeking the pub!

JustHereForThePooStories · 01/01/2018 14:27

Of course he’ll be like this when the baby is born.

Why did you have a baby with this oaf when you know what he’s been like all the way through your marriage?!

Original poster

MaeBug · 01/01/2018 14:28

He has sought help and was referred by his GP to a counselling service which he goes to intermittently.
Luckily i have a decent job and could manage financially on my own.
I think i will wait until he's sober next, as there's no point taking to him while he's drunk, and ask him to leave.
I obviously want him to have a relationship with baby and would love if we could all be together but as someone said, baby being about might exacerbate things and it's not my reaponsibility to save face for him.
I think most of you have confirmed my fears really, alcohol trumps all for him.
I've spoken to his sister who suggested i speak to his dad who he seems to listen to so i'll try that, maybe?
In the end though, as some of you suggested i think i need to give him an ultimatum but while he gets sorted (hopefully) he needs to not be in the house as it's draining.

Thank you for your replies x

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 01/01/2018 14:28

He won’t stop as there is no reason to stop, all that happens is you argue for a bit. You married a drunk and you chose to have a baby with a drunk.

If you give an ultimatum (and I think you should, no woman or child should live with this and as he gets older it will be come worse, more unattractive, more threatening and harder to leave), only do it if you mean it. It might be the shock he needs and he’ll sort himself out and you can return after 6 months - a year of sobriety, if he doesn’t you are better away from him.

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