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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Drunk husband at 28 weeks pregnant

60 replies

MaeBug · 01/01/2018 13:45

Hi there,

Am i being over sensitive?

My husband has a problem with alcohol, he binge drinks to absolute excess and will pass out/ become offensive/ miss out on things (like family events) for the next few days or sometimes have an extended binge which lasts a few days combining the above. They happen maybe 2 or 3 times a month on average. This has been apparent for the last 2 years of our 3 and a half year marriage. He is seeking help and after every binge promises me that things will change and he will drink less or sometimes he says he will stop drinking all together. When he isn't drinking things between us are great. He works hard, doing shift work, and never misses work due to his drinking so he must have some element of control over it?
We only really ever seem to have big rows after he's been drinking, usually as i get upset by the way he's acted (swearing at me or passing out on the pub floor or due to his shift work and my Mon-Fri job keeping me awake all night when i have work the next day- for examples).

I am 28 weeks pregnant and he got very drunk last night, New Year's Eve so i expected it but i was exhausted and ended up having to entertain guests who we had invited over while he was vomiting and sleeping and ended up having a very late, quite miserable night, putting him to bed, cleaning up sick etc.

He said today that he sees no problem with that, and that he was sober enough to see the New Year in.

One of his drinking buddies phoned him earlier and sounded far more worse for wear than my husband was at this point and suggested they meet for a drink, husband said no as drinking buddy would have needed to drive over which wouldn't have been safe or legal, but invited him over to our house later on today...

I got upset and said that i didn't want to entertain anymore drunk people today (I have work tomorrow and he is off for the next 11 days). So he arranged to go to the pub with a different friend and couldn't see why i find this upsetting?

He is at the pub now and i don't know if i'm just being tired and hormonal and unreasonable?

I'm scared that he's going to be like this when baby is born. His promises don't seem to amount to much at the moment and i feel like i'm at the end of my tether.

I never feel i can talk to friends/ family about his drinking as i don't want them to think badly of him.

Sorry for the long post and Happy New Year ♡

OP posts:

morningconstitutional2017 · 01/01/2018 15:03

This sounds awful and I can't imagine him changing for when baby is born. I'd run for the hills. How can he possibly be of any help to you if he is drunk? He won't be able to take you to hospital or collect you and he'll be a terrible example to your child. In effect you might as well be a single parent with sole responsibility. Sorry but I can't see any positives in staying with him.

usualGubbins · 01/01/2018 15:18

I was with someone with an alcohol problem, although not as bad as this. It took a while but I eventually realised that I couldn't fix it, it had to come from him. He didn't want to so that was the end of it. I can't tell you how I felt when we split up, all the stress was gone! It's so hard trying to stop them drinking or diverting them.... I'd never ever do it again.

DoinItForTheKids · 01/01/2018 15:24

Yes ilovesooty I'm not ruling out that could be the reason, but really - I mean REALLY - does this entire pattern just not sound that he just doesn't want to do it and probably isn't engaging with the level of help that he has been given? He's not changed ANYTHING. He's doing exactly the same as to what he's always done.

I think it's wrong to give OP false hope in what could be YEARS of her (and a child's) life pissing around with this bloke in a fruitless half-followed, half-hearted fake attempt at sobriety, that he doesn't actually want. That's wasting her time and putting her child at risk. He's got the opportunity to access any and all types of support - he doesn't need to wait does he, he's already got a contact so he could up his levels at any point. He hasn't done so.

So I fundamentally disagree that 'whatever he's engaging with is the problem' - it isn't. HE is the problem, not what he's been offered.

dorislessingscat · 01/01/2018 15:41

Yes he's an alcoholic.

No he can't and won't stop until he actually wants to.

Yes you should ask him to leave.

I second the suggestion of Al-Anon.

Very sorry you are in this situation. All the best with your pregnancy

ilovesooty · 01/01/2018 15:51

I agree with that Doin. He could certainly push for a higher level of intervention - he may be minimising his declared use as well.

Certainly he is fundamentally the problem, and as I've said I'm glad the OP is going to ask him to leave. Only he can control this - she can't, nor should she be expected to.

AhJaysus · 01/01/2018 15:51

He'll get worse once the baby is born.
He's an alcoholic.
You should leave him.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2018 15:53

But if he wants a residential detox or rehab there will be a waiting list.

He sounds nowhere near accepting the need for that though.

Original poster

MaeBug · 01/01/2018 15:56

Thanks all, i've spoken to Al Anon and have details of a local group which i'm going to go to next week.
I've spoken to my father in law also who has said that he'll speak to husband and see if that makes any difference.
I will ask him to leave when he's sober and let family know what the situation is. I think we'll both need their support.
I hope after he's sought help (He seems to be offered appointments on a bit of an ad hoc basis at the moment, he's not able to keep to a weekly or fortnightly schedule as his shifts run on a 6 week rotation of days and nights, which i always just accepted as what's available, but as someone pointed out, he could have looked for more help if he wanted) that we can be together again.
In the mean time i have to be strong for baby bump.
Thank you all x

OP posts:

Ceebs85 · 01/01/2018 16:01

He needs professional help and needs to be teetotal.

If he's not willing to commit to this then you should leave him. It is harmful to bring up a baby in an environment like this where you are abused when he drinks, he passes out, vomits etc. I would worry for you and your baby.

You will be better off on your own than you will be taking complete responsibility while he's out getting pissed. You need support, not the worry of how he's gonna be when (if) he gets home.

NotAChristmasCakePop · 01/01/2018 16:35

You need to pack his bags. I can't believe that someone could put up with this nearly weekly and say the rest of the time we're great together...

soon you will be responsible for a whole new life that cannot survive without you. Can you trust him to be there for you or will he be making your life harder with having to look after him, with him disturbing your sleep (even more than a baby already will) not to mention the money that must go on drinking!

He clearly doesn't want to change and doesn't sound like he has an incentive to while you put up with it. to you and bump

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