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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Drunk husband at 28 weeks pregnant

60 replies

MaeBug · 01/01/2018 13:45

Hi there,

Am i being over sensitive?

My husband has a problem with alcohol, he binge drinks to absolute excess and will pass out/ become offensive/ miss out on things (like family events) for the next few days or sometimes have an extended binge which lasts a few days combining the above. They happen maybe 2 or 3 times a month on average. This has been apparent for the last 2 years of our 3 and a half year marriage. He is seeking help and after every binge promises me that things will change and he will drink less or sometimes he says he will stop drinking all together. When he isn't drinking things between us are great. He works hard, doing shift work, and never misses work due to his drinking so he must have some element of control over it?
We only really ever seem to have big rows after he's been drinking, usually as i get upset by the way he's acted (swearing at me or passing out on the pub floor or due to his shift work and my Mon-Fri job keeping me awake all night when i have work the next day- for examples).

I am 28 weeks pregnant and he got very drunk last night, New Year's Eve so i expected it but i was exhausted and ended up having to entertain guests who we had invited over while he was vomiting and sleeping and ended up having a very late, quite miserable night, putting him to bed, cleaning up sick etc.

He said today that he sees no problem with that, and that he was sober enough to see the New Year in.

One of his drinking buddies phoned him earlier and sounded far more worse for wear than my husband was at this point and suggested they meet for a drink, husband said no as drinking buddy would have needed to drive over which wouldn't have been safe or legal, but invited him over to our house later on today...

I got upset and said that i didn't want to entertain anymore drunk people today (I have work tomorrow and he is off for the next 11 days). So he arranged to go to the pub with a different friend and couldn't see why i find this upsetting?

He is at the pub now and i don't know if i'm just being tired and hormonal and unreasonable?

I'm scared that he's going to be like this when baby is born. His promises don't seem to amount to much at the moment and i feel like i'm at the end of my tether.

I never feel i can talk to friends/ family about his drinking as i don't want them to think badly of him.

Sorry for the long post and Happy New Year ♡

OP posts:

Original poster

MaeBug · 01/01/2018 14:31

Since we found out about baby x

OP posts:

Munchyseeds · 01/01/2018 14:33

I really hope you giving him the ultimatum and following through gives him the motivation to sort himself out

Wolfiefan · 01/01/2018 14:33

If he goes to counselling intermittently and still binge drinks regularly then he isn't seeking help and trying to get better.
He's trying to do just enough to stop you leaving whilst still drinking as much as he likes.
He cares more about alcohol than you or the baby. He needs to go.
Sorry OP but you and your baby deserve better.

Topseyt · 01/01/2018 14:34

He is an alcoholic. I have seen this before with a couple of members of our extended family.

The chances of him magically having an epiphany and mending his ways when the baby arrives are very slim indeed. He is much more likely to get worse, just as you will be at your most vulnerable and least able to cope with him.

Get your ducks in a row now, as you will have to leave him for the sake of your baby and your sanity. Seek legal advice on housing and finances. See if you can get any support from friends and family.

DoinItForTheKids · 01/01/2018 14:37

Yes, for the sake of enjoying the rest of your pregnancy, you're right he needs to not be in the house whilst he's doing his year of sobriety (or pretending to do it). He's been referred and 'goes intermittently' says it all - if he was committed to it he'd be going regularly and you'd already have seen an improvement.

My XP was a cocaine addict. I realised after a certain point that whilst he felt he should stop and did go to counselling and all sorts, he didn't actually want to stop. That is absolutely critical - and I get the feeling that at his core he doesn't actually want to stop.

Squeegle · 01/01/2018 14:37

Maebug, good for you; you definitely can’t live with this now or when baby comes. Yes, wait till he’s sober and say that you need to separate. If he becomes sober and changes his ways so much the better, but he doesn’t need to be living with you while you wait to see if he will change. It is no fun living with a binge drinker when you have a small baby.

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 14:37

Of course he is not going to change, OP, you accept and believe his lies and empty promises so he has no need.

Get support from your family and friends, be honest with them and get out of this relationship and don't return until your OH can prove he loves you and your child more than he loves alcohol.

Topseyt · 01/01/2018 14:38

Just to add, I do agree that, ideally, he should be the one to leave.

mistermagpie · 01/01/2018 14:39

Sorry OP but I ended my first marriage over just this kind of thing. He was lovely but exactly the same as your DP, he was a police officer so shift work and had random days off during the week so would be binge drinking with colleagues in a Wednesday (say), come home, throw up everywhere and pass out. Meanwhile I had to clean it up and go to work at my 9-5 mon-fri job, exhausted and angry. It happened over and over again.

We were about to start fertility treatment and I began to have doubts about how he would be as a father. Then one night he came home at 4am and had diarrhoea all over himself and our living room. It was vile and I had to clean him and the house up because he was too out of it. I have never ever felt so low. I chucked him out that morning and we never spent a night under the same roof again. I am now married to a lovely guy who, unsurprisingly, isn't much of a drinker.

My story was extreme but I was so so fed up. He vomited in the pub (not the toilets...) on our wedding anniversary as well, there were so many events spoiled by his drinking and frankly I was embarrassed. I couldn't have co-parented like that and now I have two children I know that for a fact.

You are already pregnant so it's 'too late' on that score but I'm sorry to say I doubt he will change. You have my utmost sympathy.

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 14:39

Sorry cross posted with your update. Good for you, OP, put yourself and your child first.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2018 14:39

I'm glad you are going to ask him to leave.

It sounds as though the help he is accessing isn't sufficiently intensive. If he wants to sort his problem out he should be prepared to seek more structured help.

ilovekitkats · 01/01/2018 14:40

I rarely say LTB but I think you need to for the sake of your baby. He could get violent, he could harm you or the baby when drunk.

He needs an ultimatum in order to decide what’s more important to him, family or alcohol. Do tell all his family so that they can urge him to seek more help.

Does he expect you to bring up a baby and still clean up his vomit?

Look after yourself OP.

JaneEyre70 · 01/01/2018 14:42

Please contact Al-Anon, it's a fantastic source of support for the families of alcoholics. I think you need to focus more on what you need at the moment, and that isn't someone draining you of your time, effort and energy. The only person who can stop him from drinking is him, and perhaps the reality check of asking him to leave and sort himself out may work - but I don't hold out much hope. You and your baby deserve better lovey, and he needs to wake up to that.

DoinItForTheKids · 01/01/2018 14:43

^It sounds as though the help he is accessing isn't sufficiently intensive"

No, it's that he's not applying himself to the help that's been made available!

HelenUrth · 01/01/2018 14:44

You poor thing, you're married to an alcoholic. Even if he stops drinking, he will always be just one drink away from being a selfish horrible mess. I've often heard it said that for an alcoholic, the first drink is a choice, after that it's a compulsion.

Sadly, you're not helping when you do things like clean up after him. He's not facing the consequences of his actions, he should be confronted with the evidence of what he's done the night before and have to deal with it himself.

For you and your baby to have any chance of a stable, happy life with this man, you need to take serious action immediately - and even then you can't make him do anything if he doesn't want to. It sounds like you're pretty resolved to make the changes you need to - please do, don't inflict the misery of a childhood with an alcoholic parent on your innnocent little baby. I speak from experience.

ihatetosay · 01/01/2018 14:44

leave him he is a selfish arse

Bananalanacake · 01/01/2018 14:45

Why did you clean up his sick? Make him do it. Unless it was on your bed and you needed to sleep. He needs to wake up in his own sick to realise how bad it is.

BarbarianMum · 01/01/2018 14:48

Babies do not solve alcohol abuse problems in a relationship. I suggest you split and then you can decide whether you want him back when and if he gets sober.

HopeAndJoy16 · 01/01/2018 14:48

Another one here to encourage you to get some support for yourself, as others have said al-anon is great, but also try your local substance misuse service. Our local one has specialist family support workers and access to counselling for family members too. Open up to your friends and family as you'll need that emotional support, whatever happens with your dp.

mistermagpie · 01/01/2018 14:48

For me, I always cleaned it up because I could leave piles of vomit lying in my living room, or wherever, while I got ready and went to work. I just couldn't. We had pets as well and they didn't deserve to be in that environment.

Frazzled2207 · 01/01/2018 14:51

I'm sorry, as I think you have now realised you need to ask him to leave.
Hopefully this will give him the motivation to sort himself out and you can have a future together but the more likely possibility is that he won't.

I'm sure your family will rally around to support you with the baby.

KarmaStar · 01/01/2018 14:54

Hi OP,you've received lots of good advice and there's not much that I can add but I wanted to wish you well in your future with your new baby.
Your man is an alcoholic and like they say above,until he wants to change there is nothing you can do.
Live your life away from him.
It will give you time to think if you want him in your and your baby's life.
It might also give him the wake up call to become sober,not just promising he will stop but going to AA and admitting his addiction.
Will a baby be safe around him?could you pop out and leave him in charge?
There's so much for you to consider,(I said I wouldn't add anything sorry).
We all are beside you,please don't feel alone.
Good luck

ZipItZebedee · 01/01/2018 14:58

I'm scared that he's going to be like this when baby is born. His promises don't seem to amount to much at the moment and i feel like i'm at the end of my tether.

He has been like this for the last few years. I can't see any reason he wouldn't continue to be like this in future. It's sad that you are having a baby with him.

As I'm sure you know having a new baby can put a strain on the best of relationships. I think you need to prepare yourself for a rocky ride. Hopefully you have lots of support from family and friends. I would encourage you to talk to your closest family or friends. I'd be suprised if they weren't already aware of what he was like.

DearMrDilkington · 01/01/2018 15:00

Have a serious talk with him and tell him he has until the baby is born to seek help and stop drinking. Have somewhere lined up for you to live so he knows your serious.

Don't bring a baby in to that environment, the baby could be seriously harmed by him whilst his drunk or social services could intervene. My dp grew up with a drunk parent, no child deserves that, it's horrible.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2018 15:01

Doin I work in drug and alcohol services and I meant exactly what I said. If he is attending intermittently he could well not have been offered an appropriate programme and may need more frequent intensive work. It isn't clear whether he's attending what he's been offered as expected but whatever he is engaged in isn't working.

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