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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Frustrated with friend

62 replies

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 09:48

More of a wwyd.

A friend of mine Ive seen alot of at Christmas and New Year as she is on her own and been unwell.

She has just been diagnosed with quite severe sleep apnea and has been in tears over what to do as she wakes up exhausted and is struggling to cope.

I looked up sleep apnea and the top advice to improve the condition is lose weight and stop smoking.

She remarked about how much crap she eats and it makes her feel ill. I gently said is perhaps time to try and address that if it makes you feel sick too.

She said easier said than done and to giving up smoking she said flatly no.

In terms of crap she has been eating, she has gone through 2 of those massive tubs of Cadbury heroes and celebrations since just before Christmas. This is on top of large meals and I am not surprised her stomach is constantly upset. She is obese and knows it and remarks on it.

But in terms of being supportive with a health condition what can you say when they just wont even try to do anything to help themsleves.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 09:49

Sorry on her own as her family is abroad for xmas. She isn't alone alone she has family around usually.

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/01/2018 09:50

Nothing. Just take a step back.

waitingforlifetostart · 01/01/2018 09:52

I don't think you're the one to help her. You clearly judge her so she's better off without your 'support'.

Original poster

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 09:56

She judged herself and said all the crap l eat makes me.feel sick and I am so overweight. She was in tears. When i suggested addresssing it she said easier said than done.

I took her swimming, suggested joining a gym or leisure centre. She said no.

Gently suggested cutting down on the treats she said no.

Gently said that smoking is depriving her of oxygen even more and she said Im.not quitting.

I've been overweight myself and lost the weight myself I've been there.

I'm not judging anyone. Always the way with mn. You get slagged off for pretty much anything you ask.

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 01/01/2018 09:57

I don't think looking up a friend's newly diagnosed condition, looking for advice on how to help it, and then relaying the top advice is 'judging' her.

OP, some people don't really want to do what it takes to help themselves. Sad, but true. She knows what she has to do. It will be very, very hard, and she doesn't want to do it.

I agree with the take a step back now advice. She knows. You can't do it for her.

PurpleDaisies · 01/01/2018 10:00

She’s probably embarrassed about her weight and doesn’t want to discuss it with you. That’s fine-you’re not her doctor. I’d stop the health advice. She’s a grown up.

MissionItsPossible · 01/01/2018 10:01

If she was overweight and wanted help then I'd say help, but you've said she doesn't. So leave her alone

CrestedTit · 01/01/2018 10:06

It is easier said than done, sadly.

If you want to help her then maybe arrange to go for walks together in the new year. Obviously don't give her presents of chocolate or suggest meeting up for cakes etc. Otherwise don't advise her on her diet unless she specifically asks. She knows what to do but actually making the change is bloody difficult for a whole host of reasons that she has to resolve herself.

ElizaBenson · 01/01/2018 10:07

Sleep apnea isnt always solved by weight loss though my dh has just lost nearly 6 stone and his is still the same and we have a very thin friend with it, what she actually needs is to see a specialist, get a cpap machine and use it. When you are exhaused all the time its very hard to start exercising and have the willpower to stop eating crap and stop smoking. But with proper treatment so shes not exhausted then she might have more energy to make lifestyle changes.

Maybe what she needs is a friend to just sit, listen and sympathise/empathise with her rather than someone try to fix the situation

Springler · 01/01/2018 10:22

You can’t force her to do this. She’ll make those changes in her own time, when she is ready and is in the right place. I know there have been times in the past when people have given me the correct advice, but I just wasn’t ready for it and had to come to those conclusions in my own time.

It’s also weird that you are aware of exactly what she has eaten over Christmas. I’ve eaten loads more junk than that and am not overweight. I’d find it strange if a friend had noticed and judged exactly what I was eating.

Cagliostro · 01/01/2018 10:24

Is she getting a CPAP? That would at least help with the immediate exhaustion and maybe she would start feeling a bit better

Collaborate · 01/01/2018 10:27

Maybe what she needs is a friend to just sit, listen and sympathise/empathise with her rather than someone try to fix the situation

It must be hard to find either empathy or sympathy for someone who says they know the problem is caused by A & B yet refuse to do anything to change either.

Bumplovin · 01/01/2018 10:31

Sleep apnoea is tough she probably doesn't know what to do or how to help. Just for comparison it's not always weight related my mum is 7 stone and has sleep apnoea and has just been given a cpap machine. Stopping smoking is also hard. I'd just be there for her as a listening ear and take it from there

Original poster

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 10:33

She has asked about weight many times before. She discusses it with me.

When I lost all my weight she asked how I did it, how long it took. Then she just wont.

I wouldn't just butt in without someone making it known first they want to lose weight .

I had no idea sleep apnea bad anything to do with weight so it was news to me. I wasn't surprised at the smoking advice as with any breathing condition it makes sense.

She doesn't have cpap yet. But has already commented that she doesnt think she could sleep with that on her and doubts how helpful it would be........

OP posts:

Original poster

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 10:35

Maybe what she needs is a friend to just sit, listen and sympathise/empathise with her rather than someone try to fix the situation

That is 99.99% of what I've done. I never said a word until she raises that eating junk makes her sick. Then asking about my weightloss. I only said anything as she commented and asked how I did it.

OP posts:

chuckiecheese · 01/01/2018 10:35

I think your friend knows the root of her problem, you can only support and suggest, she has to change things to make it better.

You sound very supportive but can only help her so far 😔

PurpleDaisies · 01/01/2018 10:36

When I lost all my weight she asked how I did it, how long it took. Then she just wont
What do you mean, she just won’t?

hesterton · 01/01/2018 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 10:38

She won't take the first steps.

You can start to be more healthy with little changes. Cut down on sweets, chocolate.

I took her swimming and she loved it. Did 20 lengths. Then comes up with reasons not to join.

That's what I mean by she just wont.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 01/01/2018 10:39

sit, listen and empathise/sympathise with her without trying to fix the situation

Yes but for how long? Some people just mistake friends for a wailing wall.

Whinesalot · 01/01/2018 10:40

Just listen and encourage her to try the cpap machine. She'll do it in her own time If she can.

PurpleDaisies · 01/01/2018 10:43

How do you know what changes she’s made on her own? It sounds like you’ve given her good advice. Let her decide to take it (or not) on her own.

Original poster

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 10:44

I am worried. She is in a bad way.

I hope when she has her consultant appointment later this month she finds it helpful.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 01/01/2018 10:45

She would annoy me no end. Moans but won’t help her herself

Original poster

whatonearth21 · 01/01/2018 10:47

How do you know what changes she’s made on her own?

I'm currently in her house staying with her!

My stomach is so bad again. I feel sick. This is so bad. I shouldn't eat all this crap. It's why I get sick. It makes me feel sick.

Then she says to my face easier said than done to stop doing it. In other words no.

But right I'll just leave it alone and make sympathetic noises.

OP posts:

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