Frustrated with friend

[whatonearth21]

More of a wwyd.

A friend of mine Ive seen alot of at Christmas and New Year as she is on her own and been unwell.

She has just been diagnosed with quite severe sleep apnea and has been in tears over what to do as she wakes up exhausted and is struggling to cope.

I looked up sleep apnea and the top advice to improve the condition is lose weight and stop smoking.

She remarked about how much crap she eats and it makes her feel ill. I gently said is perhaps time to try and address that if it makes you feel sick too.

She said easier said than done and to giving up smoking she said flatly no.

In terms of crap she has been eating, she has gone through 2 of those massive tubs of Cadbury heroes and celebrations since just before Christmas. This is on top of large meals and I am not surprised her stomach is constantly upset. She is obese and knows it and remarks on it.

But in terms of being supportive with a health condition what can you say when they just wont even try to do anything to help themsleves.

I don’t think that’s harsh kitty I think it’s all you can do.

Op, I have severe SA. You have no idea how hard it is, let alone trying to do anything other than function. I have list weight and put it back on and more.

I think the best thing you can do is either stop bringing your judgement or stop being friends.

If she has just been diagnosed then it’s going to take her a while to come to terms with it, and what treatment and changes will be needed. I don’t blame her for resisting it for a bit longer, especially at Christmas with all her family away abroad. Plus, she’s exhausted. Denial probably seems like a good option right now, but after she gets to a point of acceptance about having her condition and hopefully gets some sleep, she can start addressing her other problems. Presumably her GP knows she smokes so they will offer her help to quit. Probably best to just be there and set aside your own frustrations with her as best you can.

but has already commented that she doesnt think she could sleep with that on her

According to the technician who maintains DH's machine everyone thinks that to start with. DH certainly did. He adapted really fast (much faster than I did!). I've heard the same from several friends with them.

I would be encouraging to her to try it out, with the help of the unit technicians. The latest models are quite small - you can even get travel size. It has honestly transformed his life.

Weight wasn't an issue for him and I believe its not a priority in the advice now. However regular sleep patterns and exercise did help him. It will be slightly different for everyone.

op.. you sound like a good friend..

you are staying with her, looking after the house.. this isn't some playground acquaintance.

I need to lose weight and I annoy myself not achieving it.

I would bat the questions back.what do you think you can do? what do you think would help.

I understand your frustration..its not that you are raising this she is but not wanting answers.

Encourage her to try the machine, it will help her sleep, and once she is getting enough sleep she will be in a much better state to make the changes.

I can’t sleep without my machine now.

This kind of thing winds me up.
Your friend wants to be able to complain about her condition and basically be a martyr whilst you comfort her.
You're a better friend than I, as I get so frustrated with people who don't help themselves.
I've lost people to cancer, MS etc and if all they had to do was stop having a cigarette or put a fucking cake down they would've done anything to stay alive.
She'll probably have a near death experience and that may shock her into doing something. I have a family member with Type 2 diabetes and it took him to shit himself, throw up and pass out before he'd stop eating shit.

I have SA. Yes losing weight is a way of helping it but I know from my own experience with it that to function whennso sleep deprived leaves no mental space for making the oh so simple changes. When that exhausted it really is too big a hill to climb. Yes she wants to make the changes but does not have the emotional or physical resources to do it. She needs treatment for the SA when she has a CPAP device and can finally sleep she will.be able to do all those things to help her improve her life. She needs to see a sleep specialist and get treatment.

There's nothing you can do OP. She won't change. I'm in a similar situation. I have a friend who is suffering badly with her back at the moment. He GP has told her that she needs to lose weight as that will help greatly (she is obese) but she refuses to do it as "I'd have to give up drink and I'm not doing that". Frankly I think the drink thing is also an issue, but that's another thread entirely.
Some people will moan on and on but have absolutely no intention whatsoever of changing.

I think you were lovely to give your friend your time and support over Christmas.
I don't think you're wrong for saying about eating more healthily or quitting smoking. You appeared from what you said talked about it empathetically. She talked to you about her condition and talking is a two way conversation.
It is her business what she does to her body but if she asks for support and help then she is allowing you an opinion. It's only an opinion and she can ignore it which she's doing.
How are you to support her. You'd end up encouraging her life style if you agreed with her that it's fine to carry on the way she is.
When her family is back she will also get her support network back and you can step back.