To think people regret leaving marriages?

[CameNhange]

Obviously not always but aibu to think sometimes people privately think they made the wrong call

Some people regret staying with their partners and wished they had divorced

Of course it is possible. But everyone I know who divorced still thinks they made the right decision.

What CrochetBelle said - the only regretters I know of are people (mostly, but not all men) who had an affair and left for the OW or OM, then realised it wasn't what they imagined, and began to appreciate their ex more - though often it was too late to go back.

For me I spent years wanting to leave but being too scared to upset ex, have all the hassle and put the kids through it etc. When I finally did it I was so desperate to get away from him, it was just a relief and I still can't feel a single twinge of regret.

I know MN gets slagged off for the cries of LTB, and I know that sometimes problems can be worked through - BUT I also think there are so many women (in particular) enduring such shit relationships and not leaving when they should. I do see a lot of "LTB" on MN but very rarely is it uncalled for. And I appreciate it being said to me, because it helped me understand I didn't have to put up with ex's behaviour.

My ExH certainly regrets destroying our marriage. I do not regret leaving it.

It’s hell on earth, trust me, I know! Life is what you make it tho and I’ve never looked back since my divorce 6 years ago. Despite the process, drama and fall out I wouldn’t change my life now.

I can't speak for everybody but I'd already been miserable for about 3 years before I posted about it on mumsnet. Then I posted the same question in about five different ways, got the same answer each time, and still sat on it, digesting the ''LTB'' acting normal but the cogs in my rain were shifting and I played nice at home for another 6 months processing the reality that I really had no option but to leave.

So, I do wish I'd been one of these alleged posters who posted their misery and packed a bag as soon as they read the words ''LTB''. How lucky to have been spared the extra years hard labour! I suspect they're few and far between though!

I don’t regret it. I thought it would be a better life and I was right it’s soooooo much better.

Camenchange well, I agree that nobody is guaranteed to meet somebody who values [them] more after they leave and that is something I see all the time. ''you'll meet somebody who values you''. So I avoid saying that. People may, they may not. But they'll have their freedom and the opportunity to make enjoying their one life their goal. If you leave making meeting somebody else who will value you your primary goal then that would be a disappointment. And tbh it is a disappointment to me that I didn't meet somebody worth forming a relationship with but I prefer being single to being with an arse. That should be a given.

Are you scared you'll leave and regret it OP?

I doubt people regret the loss of an unhappy relationship. More the loss of the possibilities it should have had.

Maybe people divorce lightly but I don't know any of them.

I do know one lovely person who divorced, regretted it, married the same person again and is now divorcing them again. That is a really sad situation and shows how hope can be stronger than reality.

Divorce brings out the very worst in people.
Even if you have doubts, by the end of the process they will have disappeared!

Yes carys,don’t even know why I’m thinking about it. NYE I suppose.

I divorced two husbands, both were wankers. Better off without all that angst and unhappiness.

It depends why they leave. If (as is often the case with MN posters) the man is abusive, then it's always going to be better to get rid, but even when a man is horrifically abusive, some women worry that they could have 'tried harder', endured more abuse, been less 'selfish' (ie not believed they had a right to live without constant criticism, bullying, violence, financial abuse etc). And even the worst abusers were generally nice from time to time.

I have never married or even lived with a partner, but I do remember people telling me I would regret breaking up with someone I was seeing about 25 years ago. I don't, at all: he was a nice man who I still occasionally hear from via social media, but he was not right for me and I was not right for him.

I agree with OP. This happens quite often. Not always OBVIOUSLY but it's not uncommon.

People split up because they are unhappy and then realise that being on their own doesn't make them happier and brings a whole extra set of problems.I can think of two friends who initiated their separations and now bitterly regret it. The ex partners have moved on so there is no chance of reconciling. A colleague who has been negotiating her separation for over a year is currently shocked at how much she regrets it and how much she misses her husband but too ashamed and embarrassed to say anything to him.

OTH some people don't split up and then bitterly regret a life wasted in an unhappy relationship.

I left a marriage. I left not long after new year. Not because the life I left for was something magical but because I couldn't imagine spending another new year waking up to the same old shit

I regret my marriage failed. But after what he did I could never ever imagine staying in the same house as him or touching him or trusting him. He showed me who he was and I could never love him again.

I regret the hurt he caused me and my children and I still wish he hadn't done that. It was 10 years ago and despite a number of relationships and some considerable adventures I'm on my own now. From time to time I really envy people who still have the support of a partner and I can feel pretty sad and lonely. But most of the time I think I'm much better off now, I have really lived life to the full and I am my own master. I choose the life I want to lead. Its easy to imagine that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence - in whichever place you find yourself - married or divorced or single. But being able to pursue your own happiness is the most important thing - not making it dependent on others.

I wish you luck OP which ever path you follow.

If I have regrets CamNhange it's the original choice, and I regret not addressing my self-worth when a bf before my x dumped me leaving me very fragile and upset and ripe for an abusive man to control.

I regret not knowing that I had a low self-worth and how that would impact upon my next 'choice'. I wish I'd had a bit of psychotherapy at that point instead of getting involved with an abusive man. I just never believe that I could have a normal relationship I don't think, so I settled for something that made outsiders believe I must be happy. Fucked up I know.

I've never been married - I certainly don't regret that. I also don't regret leaving any of my previous relationships, there were always really good reasons. I'm quite happy being single now, it took a few bad men for me to realise I'm always better off on my own.

I doubt there are many people who regret divorce. There are nearly always good reasons.

Some people may regret divorcing. The interesting thing here in a survey would be whether their ex regrets the divorce...

There are an awful lot of unreasonable people who are divorced because their ex-spouse couldn't endure their behaviour any longer. Their regrets aren't really relevant, though.

You can't generalise. I left my ex husband and don't regret it at all. He wasn't a terrible guy and I wasn't miserable all the time or anything, but we just weren't right and I didn't really love him. I barely think about him now and if I do I have nothing but good wishes for him. Nevertheless I am much much happier in my second marriage.

Maybe if there are kids involved then it's more complex?

I think it hard to know sometime whether to stay or go, both paths will have their ups and downs, so at times it's easy to look back with regret.
I also think we see things through rose tinted glasses, and what we think we are leaving behind isn't the reality.
An example of this is:
I don't know whether to stay or go, the reality is I should go, however My Perception of what that I'm leaving isn't actually what I'm leaving, my perception is that I'm leaving a relationship and tearing up a family, however the reality is the relationship is long gone, and the family is suffering. It's the idea of a family that im finding hard to let go off.
So in times of loneliness I can see me looking back with regret for what was or could have been

Well, I followed 'the Mumsnet advice to LTB'. It was the right advice. I know several other women who did the same, and it was right for them too.

MN is one of the few places where it is not taboo to say that women shouldn't prioritise their marriages over their happiness.

My sister's ex regrets leaving their marriage. My sister doesn't regret it for a minute, even though she has significantly less money now, and he owes her maintenance, and she can't find work that fits in with childcare, etc. She wishes she'd done it years earlier, before they got married tbh.

You can't generalise. If you've left a marriage just because it was a bit boring then you might regret it, if you left because the other person was abusive then I can't see there being any regrets at all, and then there's the millions of people who are somewhere in between, some of whom will regret it, some of whom will be thrilled with their decision.