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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Resent MIL's xmas presents?

101 replies

ffab · 31/12/2017 14:57

We agreed in advance with in-laws that we were not doing presents this year. MIL and FIL came to us for xmas. She bought me four presents including a very expensive looking amber and solid silver earring and necklace set in presentation boxes and food hampers for each of my grown DD's ( her SD's) plus gift vouchers. What is she trying to prove?

OP posts:

AtomHeart · 01/01/2018 18:27

Have you ever considered that you might be as bad as each other?

pallisers · 01/01/2018 18:30

Saying 'no' wasn't enough so when I eventually explained that if I ate too much it gave me eczema , she said, and I quote, "Go on, have a rash for me."

Sorry for your trouble OP, but this made me laugh. As did your description of Napoleon v Wellington. I wonder if sit-com script writers ever trawl these threads for material.

AtomHeart · 01/01/2018 18:42

That made me laugh too. It sounds as if she doesn't believe all your medical problems.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2018 18:48

Have you ever considered that you might be as bad as each other?

I'm not sure. Based on what I'm reading I suspect the op is worse.

Clearly you dislike her so everything she does annoys you and I think she's trying really hard and anxiòusly to develop a relationship with you, and you've moved into bullying territory because you sense her weakness.

Your husband could have left the table, or any of the other four adults, why is she the one to blame? All I can see she does wrong is check you're ok too much.

Honestly I can see why she's trying to befriend you and maybe make up for an early stupid comment, it's probably time she just said to your son "so be it"and go no contact with you. Hard but she's doing too much and you're never going to give her an inch and will continue to crucify her every move. She may as well call it quits now.

PolarBearkshire · 01/01/2018 19:10

Lol. You would spare yourself ots of ageing damaged nerves if you just appreciate the presents. F it even if she had any extra motive - does it really matter? What is the point to keeping up the whingeing? Are you going to take her down with same weapons? Will you try to win in something in defence?
What is the point?
The biggest disarming manoeuvre would be - just appreciate the gifts , smile and forget it.
Somebody needs to show maturity

Lashalicious · 01/01/2018 19:17

Bluntness has it.

You can’t stand her. She gave you and your daughters very thoughtful gifts, yet you resent her because her generosity just inflames your contempt even more. You certainly don’t have the moral upper hand. She’s trying too hard because you’re married to her son and she is trying to make the best of it to no avail it seems. I think she needs to go no contact with you and give you your heart’s desire. I don’t believe they sit at the table for ten hours straight with no one getting up in ten hours. I don’t believe that. Don’t go to her house again. That solves your problem. It would be a breath of relief for everyone else too, I bet. You despise her, that’s why everything she does annoys you. You sound like the hard work. Has she ever done anything malicious to you? If not, then you are the unreasonable one to resent her gifts.

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/01/2018 19:22

a poisonous mad old badger

this has to be the funniest description I ever read

Completely agree.

Funny it's always the same suspects shoehorning any old rubbish into the narrative to justify their having a go at the OP.
You don't sound like hard work, and she does sound difficult. However, try and choose a positive interpretation of the gift thing - that she wanted to give you a treat because things are a bit crap at the moment.

ferntwist · 01/01/2018 19:33

Sending your DH to find you when you took breaks from the table is annoying and suffocating. That said, he could have refused and just laughed. She sounds like she resents you trying to keep fit with yoga and running as she’s a big drinker and eater. However, she’s your DH’s mum so you need to make an effort and try to ignore her flaws. She seems like she wants to get along however awkwardly.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/01/2018 20:06

It's ONE day
I don't get why a grown woman can't say that they don't want anything else to eat or drink and that they're going to sit somewhere comfortable. I honestly don't.

As for the presents well I think you sound quite ungrateful. I've said it before and I'll say it again that some MILs are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

But don't worry there'll always be someone here on MN to say that you're in the right and that your MIL is a bitch.

pinkpantherpink · 01/01/2018 20:24

Killing you with kindness. Sounds like she was thoughtful in the gifts she bought. Didn't want to come empty handed. Frets about hosting and doesn't understand back pain, lack of alcohol and other gorging at Christmas. Your dh needs to back you up when your pressed about alcohol, chocolate, walking etc. My DP does and vice versa.

drowninginpinkplastic · 01/01/2018 20:28

I got a used broken handbag want to swap?

Kitty6 · 01/01/2018 21:36

Your husband should be supporting you and stepping in more to ease/explain. I wouldn't have a problem with the gifts - 'great thanks :-)' and no one would ever keep making me try and have a drink if I didn't want one - it's all in the eyes, in your body language - a laugh 'no really, I don't want to' and a slight stare 'you've asked me six times' laugh...'this is the seventh time' she'd soon stop...you need to assert yourself rather than covertly complain.

Newyearnewyew · 01/01/2018 21:44

To be honest I think that sounds really really lovely.
I do feel when you have said no gifts, it would have been good if she had backed up these gifts with... I know you said no gifts and please don't worry I understand you can't reciprocate... Or something like that that.

However if someone said they were short at Christmas I would want to spoil them. I did just that I hope for relative who was short this year.
It's lovley she brought for you daughters too

Newyearnewyew · 01/01/2018 21:46

Great duck, usual the Mil issues on here are serious and break up families, usually I am in the dils camp. However I agree why grown woman in this occasion can't say what you said.

However please don't belittle the very real issues Mil problems cause families.

Newyearnewyew · 01/01/2018 21:59

Ok I think you focused on the the wrong thing, it's the controlling behaviour.
Mine has been utter cow and didn't address me once over Xmas or speak to me or dh. At least yours tried to engage you in conversation.

cherish123 · 01/01/2018 22:03

If you were hosting and short of cash, it was a nice gesture.

altiara · 01/01/2018 22:19

I think she was just trying to be extra nice as you haven’t been to see her all year and DH had to talk you into hosting them for Xmas.

If you do go and visit, can you not go on a charm offensive and praise everything, have a quarter of a portion of dinner and pretend she’s forcing you to eat more! So by the time you’re full, you’re both happy. And then when it’s water and yoga time, get her to join in with you and say you know she doesn’t want you to be by yourself!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/01/2018 22:34

However please don't belittle the very real issues Mil problems cause families.

There's two sides to every single MIL thread.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 01/01/2018 22:47

I think you sound vile op and clearly haven’t given this woman a chance. My Sil thinks she’s better than our family but she’s not she’s just a stuck up cow, you come across excately the same.

Newyearnewyew · 01/01/2018 22:48

Yes of course but many boil down to very simple boundary over stepping and lack of respect. Many themes are very similar and if you have ever sat in relate like I have with dh, you will have been informed by your therapist that these issues are very common and they hear them all the time.
Lack of respect for dil, controlling behaviour, inability to view son as adult... Jealousy and judgemental.

Alleycat1 · 02/01/2018 09:46

Thank God both my MIL were absolute darlings. However, if they had been like op's I would have sat them down and had a straight talk. It's when these things fester that real difficulties begin. I would get your DH to sort his mother out if he has the bottle.

teaandtoast · 02/01/2018 10:10

How on earth could anyone think the op is 'hard work' or 'bullying'! It beggars belief. 😂

labazs · 02/01/2018 17:00

She probably thought its not good to visit without something to give and lots of people think of money or vouchers as a poor present substitute i think she was quite generous

Touchmybum · 02/01/2018 19:43

Oh dear god I have heard it all now. The woman is trying to kill you with kindness and you can't even suck it up for one miserable day.

You sound like a right bundle of joy!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/01/2018 23:58

The poster who mentioned Mrs Doyle has hit the nail on the head. I've experienced it with my Irish relatives keep offering until the guest says yes.The guest is supposed to refuse out of politeness and deference, until finally giving in to the host and accepting their hospitality. It's supposed to make both parties feel good and guilt free.
This is a clash of family culture. You have to accept she is trying to make her guest happy.Probably been trained to do it by her own family for years so its hard for her not to do it. OH calls it throwing fivers when he's experienced it. We make a joke out of it now.
Keep saying no politely and don't hate her for it. She sounds anxious and you sound hyper critical. She can probably sense that and can't work out why you dislike her so much. You don't seem to blame anyone else, yet they were all there. With a younger son telling her to eff off in public, it doesn't sound like the family treat her with any respect. She's nervous about cooking because they criticse
Why not try a different tack with her. Be kind to her. She wanted to contribute to the hosting and be a generous mum to her boy who is struggling financially - hence the presents.
What's wrong with standing up and saying "My back is killing me, you carry on, I'm going to get comfy over there."? If you sit there uncomfortably, that's entirely your own fault.
Similarly, you are old enough to say graciously you are very kind but I've had enough to drink and make a joke about it.. why have a temper about it. OH needs to back you up. Speak up, but be kind and tolerant. Or this will drag on for years and start to get really nasty - for no reason.

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