To Resent MIL's xmas presents?

[ffab]

We agreed in advance with in-laws that we were not doing presents this year. MIL and FIL came to us for xmas. She bought me four presents including a very expensive looking amber and solid silver earring and necklace set in presentation boxes and food hampers for each of my grown DD's ( her SD's) plus gift vouchers. What is she trying to prove?

a poisonous mad old badger

this has to be the funniest description I ever read

Just maybe because you were hosting Christmas and your in-laws were guests they were showing basic manners by bringing a gift? What’s the issue really?

diddl food was happening but she's a nervous cook and it all has to be "just so" so everything ran late. DH, MIL, BIL and FIL love to chat, which is fine but I just felt like a prisoner as I couldn't leave table. If I went to the toilet I got the third degree when I got back.

'Is everything alright, you were gone so long, is the food ok, do you want a drink, come on, have a drink, we'll get you to have a drink in the end." If I asked for water I got a horrified look. If I tried to get it myself I was shooed out of 'her' kitchen.

MiltonTheChristmasCockroach*. I know! Who sits at a table for ten hours That's why I had to move every so often. They didn't notice because they were drinking so much. I think they got through, four bottles of white, six red, two full bottles of port then a bottle of whiskey before the Baileys and the exotic stuff, Ouzo, Tequila etc. (between five people, SIL was there too) When I went to bed at 1am they were still up and drinking.

Commuterface

Just maybe because you were hosting Christmas and your in-laws were guests they were showing basic manners by bringing a gift? What’s the issue really?

I think it's PTSD from last Xmas 😌

How did the meal at yours go this year?

Has she been rude in ways other than badgering you to eat and drink? Because it sounds to me like she's trying very (far too) hard to make you feel loved/welcome.

ATeardropExplodes It went surprisingly well: my house, my rules. I could (and did) bugger off for a stretch whenever I needed one (bad back plays up if I sit still too long).

Did anyone else not need a wee/leg stretch in the 10hrs?

If so, were they interrogated on return/a search party sent out?

(Or maybe your husband was glad for an excuse to get up-although one shouldn't be needed!)

So, if you were singled out, sounds like bullying.

Also, trying to force food & drink on people-it's not caring, it's trying to make the do what you want or thinking that you know better than the about how much/what they should eat & drink.

IJoinedJustToPostThis Yes she is trying far too hard and yes she has been rude before.

My back has been injured for 17 years. It took four years of painstaking physio stretching and yoga to sort it out, with lots of support from DH.

It can only be managed by constant movement. She knows this. Yet every time I stretched she ridiculed this "yoga thingy".

If I got up early to stretch in the garage she found me. When we were watching a movie I explained that I couldn't sit for too long so moved to lie face down with my face in my hands. She jiggled my bottom with her foot and laughed.

If I went out for an early morning run I got the third degree when I got back. 'where have you been, we were worried, you're late for breakfast", it's getting cold now."

She only seemed content of she controlled my every waking hour.

Also, trying to force food & drink on people-it's not caring, it's trying to make the do what you want or thinking that you know better than the about how much/what they should eat & drink

I have never experienced anything like it before, literally killing with 'kindness'. I refused to visit after that. It took a week of stretching to get my back sorted out. DH had to persuade me let them come to us this Xmas.

I think yanbu, as if you have agreed no presents and one half of you goes against the agreement, then it is a bit embarrassing for you to then receive gifts but have nothing to reciprocate with, or at least I would feel embarrassed and pissed off that they had gone back on what was agreed.

crunched
It is threads like this that make me dread DS getting a wife!

Depends in what you're like when you drink, in vino veritas and all that .

The 'nervous host' thing definitely sounds like it explains a lot - my MIL is lovely but tended to do the same when DH and I were first together.

"Would you like tea?'
'No thanks...'
"Coffee?"
'No, I'm really not thirsty thanks'
"How about elderflower cordial? Orange squash? Beef tea? Cider? We've got some wine in the fridge... Why are you twitching? Oooh, are you cold? Would you like a nice hot bath?"

I may be talking out of the wrong hole but I suspect you not drinking makes her think you're not having a good time, which makes her overcompensate.

I think it's PTSD from last Xmas then you are excused

Your MIL sounds like my perfect idea of a MIL! She can ply me with anything she wanted all day long!

On the other hand I have not seen MIL all Christmas! Unless we go to hers for a cup of tea then that's it! I am having a NYE party tonight and ILs haven't confirmed either way. I expected them not to come when I invited them even though their two kids (one being DH) and all of their six grandchildren being there.

mumonashoestring laughed out loud at your last post.

Trouble is, it never stops.

Every. Five Minutes.

"Cup of tea?, Coffee, Baileys, wine? Chocolate?". Is everything alright? Are you enjoying yourself? I'd hate it if you're not having a good time."

BIL occasionally said "Mum, just fuck off will you." But I wouldn't dream of speaking to my host like that. He's the youngest so he's the only one who seems to get away with saying what he thinks.

I suspect you not drinking makes her think you're not having a good time, which makes her overcompensate.

I do drink, just not in industrial quantities. A sherry before dinner, a glass of prosecco with the food and a glass of port afterwards and I'm golden.

Even with the backstory I still think resenting her well thought out and chosen gifts is harsh of you.

As it is your MIL your dh needs to speak to her and put a stop to this - mum when ffab says she doesn't want a drink she means it, stop asking and trying to force one on her, when ffab says she doesn't want sugar on her strawberries it means she doesn't want sugar on her strawberries don't be rude and put it on anyway, when ffab is struggling with her bad back, she is struggling with her bad back don't mock her and make her feel uncomfortable and belittled because of it, also mum a good host does not do any of the above to their guests they should be trying to make their guest feel welcome and at ease.

If your dh wants you to go to them or them to come to you he needs to sort this out with his mother.

Let’s swap mother in laws your sounds nice, mines awful, very mean and not very generous you’ll probably like her better.

I'm similar (and could happily do without booze altogether) but that seems to be quite unusual and seems to freak people out a bit. I don't know if they think I'm waiting for them to pass out so I can go through their pockets for change or shave off their eyebrows but whatever's going on in their dear little heads I'm not suffering a raging hangover just to placate them.

I suspect DH merely said we can't afford to do presents this year but didn't back it up with a "so don't buy for us either" or even if he did say that she said "Don't be silly darling, we can afford to get you presents and want to treat you".

Mine gave me dishcloths. Can we swap?

She does sound as though she's trying too hard, that's difficult to cope with as it makes you feel very unreasonable if you find it suffocating. My MIL is like that, she always comes laden with gifts for our DDs, and used to constantly worry about what to get me as a present. I'm totally not fussed about presents and found the whole thing very uncomfortable. She's settled for giving me a cheque, which is generous but I still feel a little uncomfortable at the amount, it really is as if she's trying too hard to create a closer relationship with me than I want. Killing with kindness sums her up! I also find hosting here much easier, like you do.

Thankfully, she's not a drinker like your PIL so that's something I don't deal with.

Did your DH not stick up for you at Xmas last year? It's his DM, he bloody well should be. If I think my family are being a little pushy or overbearing with DH or if they're in any way making him feel uncomfortable I step in (breezily where possible!) and sort it out quickly, and he does likewise with his family. There seems to be a lot of people on MN who have issues with various in-laws but their partners seem to make no effort whatsoever in resolving the problems which I find very odd.