To Resent MIL's xmas presents?

[ffab]

We agreed in advance with in-laws that we were not doing presents this year. MIL and FIL came to us for xmas. She bought me four presents including a very expensive looking amber and solid silver earring and necklace set in presentation boxes and food hampers for each of my grown DD's ( her SD's) plus gift vouchers. What is she trying to prove?

People, who don’t drink or drink very little can be considered bores, lightweights or kill joys by those, who drink systematically. Brother and sil think this of me.

I have chronic pain. Mostly my back but all over head to toe. I’ve had a decade of weekly treatment. Without this I’d be unable to walk. She is extremely rude.

About 16 years ago I went NC with my in laws and its worked out really well for everyone involved. OP, if this woman stresses you this much what on earth is the point in seeing her/hosting her - just get DH to go round there and he can enjoy their hospitality.

To be fair, I'd bring extra presents and treats if I knew my host is struggling financially as I don't want to put anyone out for having me for dinner.

No one can be badgered into doing something unless they allow themselves to be so don't blame your MiL for your own shortcomings! You have to learn to play her by her own game.

I don't drink alcohol at all and no one could make me. I would have pushed the bowl of strawberries away and said, 'Sorry, I don't like to add sugar to my food, I did tell you that when you asked me if I wanted any on. Do you have any left without sugar, please?' I would also refuse to sit at a table for 10 hours and would ask if there was a problem with their other furniture!! Did no one else move at all in that time? Would she expect young children to sit there for hours too?

Bullies respect people who stand up to them, don't you know that? Your New Year's Resolution starting tomorrow.

"Cup of tea?, Coffee, Baileys, wine? Chocolate?". Is everything alright? Are you enjoying yourself? I'd hate it if you're not having a good time." she sounds like a nervous wreck,

MeadowHay Yes he did stick up for me. He spoke to her by phone and even wrote her an email which started "I've love you mum but DW comes first."

I refused all invitations to go and see them this year and he went on his own, which was fine by me.

This is their first visit to our house in two years. She asked to visit in September and I said no.

quizqueen a little harsh but you're probably right. I didn't eat or drink anything that I didn't want to but the constant pressure to do so made last Xmas unpleasant.

Everyone else stayed at the table with very short loo breaks and there were no young children. I took breaks even though she objected, and I went to bed at 1am leaving the rest of them still around the table!

StaplesCorner I effectively went NC with them for the whole of 2017 and it was very relaxing. She's probably trying to get back into my good books by overdoing it with the presents. I got a message a couple of months ago asking for suggestions on presents for her to buy DH which I ignored.

Homemenu1 and that was just the edited highlights. She runs herself ragged offering drinks etc every two minutes then announces: "never let it be said that I don't look after my guests.".

Sounds like anxiety to me, to be that worried about doing it right. Also, it again reminds me of my MIL, perhaps it's because she knows that she's got off on the wrong foot with you and is trying too hard to put it right.

My MIL asks my DH how she can build a better relationship with me, she complains to my DM as well about her difficulties with me. I end up feeling horrible about it, but it's really because she's trying too hard to get it right. I just don't want to be as close to her as she wants me to be, she wanted me to call her Mum initially.

It's easier when you don't have kids. I have to accept some relationship with my MIL because our DDs are close to her.

You sound like really hard work OP.

Lizzie44 Yes she is anxious, her GP recommended therapy but she's very against it and didn't want to be 'fixed'.

MissBeehiving you'd be really hard work if you'd put up with some of the nonsense I have.

On their first visit to our house PIL's insisted on bringing their own bedding, not just sheets but pillows, pillowcases, duvets and towels. I didn't mind too much as it would save me washing. I put our pillows etc in the top of the wardrobe in the guest room.

When they were leaving she made a point of telling me how dirty our pillows were, pillows she did not sleep on and only found because she went looking for them. She said it just as they were getting into their car so I didn't have a chance to respond. I'm not a clean freak but our bed linen was not dirty.

When they were leaving she made a point of telling me how dirty our pillows were, pillows she did not sleep on and only found because she went looking for them. She said it just as they were getting into their car so I didn't have a chance to respond. I'm not a clean freak but our bed linen was not dirty

Ech, so we're definitely in mad old badger territory then? I think that on it's own would have tipped me over into a love of incredibly complex, expensive cocktails - purely when visiting with white gloves on to check for dust obv.

My MIL also brought bedding with her when she and FIL visited us for the first time, which actually annoyed me, as I'd made the bed for them earlier in the day. And she filled the fridge with her things without so much as checking with me that it was ok.

My FIL died in a car accident not long after so it's been very hard to object to anything without appearing to be a complete bitch.

Posted too soon. That was 14 years ago now. It doesn't really get easier, sadly, as people don't change all that much.

Thanks Lizzie44 DH and I have been together for seven years so I'm determined to not get drawn into her nonsense. Once a year is fine for me and DH can go and see them on his own. They live 5 hours away so no surprise visits.

Sorry Lizzie48 I typed 48 but auto correct did it's dastardly work.

If I could afford it and I was in the same position as your MiL I would do the same. She probably thinks that you needed cheering up as things aren't to good at the moment. I understand about the food thing as my MiL would cook vast amounts and try to force food on me. I son realised that the best way to deal with it was to have half of what I wanted an then take seconds, and similarly with deserts , never one or two, at least three, so I'd take a tiny portion of each, again allowing for a small portion for seconds. If they push you into drinking can you not do a variation of this, and have a couple of half glasses instead of one full one, or really water it down so it's mainly water,orange juice, lemonade etc

She sounds well-meaning but chronically anxious, to me.

I used to find controlling people intensely frustrating, until I realised it's about anxiety, a lot of the time. I mean, if they aren't abusive or nasty. She sounds like someone who needs everything done exactly as she envisages, or she starts to panic. I still find it irritating beyond description in large doses, but it makes a lot more tolerance possible when, and in this case if, you can recognise that it's not malice, it's not about you, and the person in question is dealing with their own sense of inadequacy.

Dunno if that's relevant at all, so sorry if not. But I do think the presents sound like they could be a mixture of loving concern from someone who finds expressing it hard, plus insecurity when not on her own turf, maybe?

Your back sounds awful. I'm really sorry you are dealing with that.

Is this her, OP?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=RSW6oDckOjo

Is this her, OP?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=RSW6oDckOjo

Thanks @perfectstorm. I will try to be a little more understanding. Thank you for your advice.

Ffab your guess about giving gifts due to 3 day stay and her DS being out of work is probably correct. DH should thank her mentioning especially since lack of funds etc. Don't worry as a MIL I would have done the same in those circumstances.

I could be completely wrong. It's just that I have a few relatives with various problems which manifest themselves as a need to control their environment, and this is how they behave in social situations as well. Definitely easier when not in their homes. And yes, it's annoying as all get-out. But it isn't malicious.

I do think the presents were meant lovingly, though, given her son's redundancy. That sounds sweet. And the present for you sounds really carefully chosen, too. I do understand it's awkward when you hadn't got them anything but she is likely to always see herself as his mum, and as such the 'adult'. So non-symmetrical presents won't seem weird, iyswim? Think that's very common with parents of all ages.

I'm not sure I understand the issue regarding the gifts, sounds like she was just trying hard, albeit a little too hard!
But I totally empathise with the not taking no for an answer issue. My controlling mil does exactly this, and any attempt to resist her suggestions on what she wants you to do, are completely ignored. It is incredibly frustrating and drives me nuts. As for xmas gifts, her control freak nature is also manifested in this way. After many years of telling her to please not buy us clothes, she still continues to buy DH an annual close fitting top. Hideous cling film garish style and always the wrong size, (he might have fitted into an S/M 25 years ago, but at 50 he's a long way off that now! My teenage daughter still gets things she wouldn't wear in her worst nightmares, and even our 8 year old has now come to dread what she buys. She is still relatively young and very wealthy, so it's certainly not a money or age related issue. She just cannot be told what we do or do not want. She basically buys her son and my kids, what she thinks they ought to wear! Personally we'd rather give than receive, and it feels a little mean to complain, but what is the point in ignoring what people say.