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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore dd crying in her room?

102 replies

NapQueen · 31/12/2017 12:31

She is 6. And for the past week or so been a pain in the arse over clothes, what fits, what doesnt.

Shes had three separate non clothes related strops this morning so is clearly having a bad day. Ive offered assistance with choosing clothes and after her snatching and throwing stuff around her room Ive left her to it.

Its been 1.5 hours so far of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 12:52

She didnt go to soft play because of her behaviour. Seven times she slapped me this morning.

I couldnt give a fuck if she get herself dressed or not by that point - I dont condone violence and therefore there was no soft play for her.

OP posts:

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 12:53

Exactly callmedoctor It's obvious where the problem lies and it's not with a 6 yr old. Nap Relax, chill out dear.

Flexibility in all things with children.

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 12:55

She won't be going to uni in her pjs Well she might because the fashion for onesies is BIG even now!

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 12:55

Im quite surprised that peopl are suggesting just leaving her in her pjs every day. This has been happening since boxing day. Is it really acceptable to stay indoora that long? Do you not take your kids out for a bit of fresh air each day? Or most days?

OP posts:

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 12:57

Didn't a poster say that she did just that? Trackies are like pjs anyway fgs. think it through calmly.

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 12:58

Sorry I dont understand your last post ppeat

OP posts:

Rangelife · 02/01/2018 13:00

Nap I totally get you.

My 6 year old dd is exactly the same. Flash points are clothes, eating her meals and always wanting a toy in the supermarket. She is an attention junkie. All these flash points get her attention (either positive or negative) and no behaviour strategies have had any impact. The rest of the time she is a very well behaved, imaginative girl who can entertain herself. I've had to accept this is her shit that she needs to play up to but it drives me nuts. I was in the supermarket the other day and she was kicking off about a tsum tsum toy (4 days after Christmas!) so I picked her up, carried her to the bench in front of the tills, put her on it and sternly told her not to move. Then paid for my shopping and we left. DS (9) felt really sorry for her because she was sobbing for about 40 minutes but I didn't have the capacity to deal with her and I can't let her mood dictate our actions. I'll probably get told that I'm not meeting her emotional needs but sometimes, as a mother, I have to recognise sometimes she's just going to feel like that and let the emotion ride out.

Lweji · 02/01/2018 13:02

DS has been most days on his PJs. He's 12. I really don't care.

It is baffling that you didn't allow her to go to soft play, as it was what got her to get dressed and out and about.

You do need to choose her punishments better.

And address her behaviour immediately. What did you do when she slapped you? Just ignored it?

She may be vying for attention, but you're not giving her any (not good). You must start giving her positive attention. Rewarding good behaviour.

Start turning tables on the bad behaviour.

I used to sit with DS cuddling and reading a book as soon as I noticed he had attention seeking bad behaviour. It didn't turn him into tantrum king, quite on the contrary. Unlike yours.

It also looks like she's struggling with her own feelings, and you're just leaving her to it, instead of guiding her.

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2018 13:09

Of course you take them out. You just tell them they will be going in their PJs if they don’t get dressed.

Some dc will get dressed ASAP. As your dd did today when she thought she was going to soft play.
Other dc will be a bit more stubborn and go out in their PJs. So what? Let them get i with it, no reference at all to the PJs. The novelty will ruin wear off they they will get dressed.

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2018 13:10

*novelty will soon wear off

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 13:11

She gets a lot of positive attention and praise day to day. Dh and I are very much "praise the good and ignore the bad". Up until this last week she has never lashed out, been in time out maybe twice in her life, and always happy to be out and about.

We offer choices, and any "punishments" have always been the natural consequence of whatever her behaviour was.

Up until a week ago whatever challenges we faced we managed well.

She is like a different child. And we are struggling to know what to do. I dont know how to respond to her hitting me because (1) shes never hit before and (2) if I shout at her for it its feeding the need for attention.

I dont know what to do about this.

OP posts:

Rangelife · 02/01/2018 13:13

I'd keep an eye on it for a couple of weeks. If she's back at school and it's continuing then you can think about how to tackle it but this might just be a reaction to being off school and a break in the routine?

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 13:22

My post was saying that track suits are like pyjamas, anyway (you can persuade yourself that she's wearing her tracksuit). Children change all the time, don't over think this.

Six can be a difficult age.

KimmySchmidt1 · 02/01/2018 13:23

Why does she need to put clothes on? Other than because you have decided that she must must must go outside?

She's only 6 and she sounds overwhelmed. Just go up and distract her to thinking about something else - put a Disney film on.

You sound surprisingly bitter and resentful given her age - are you hoping to develop her into a complete nightmare rebel who feels you hate her and gets pregnant at 15?

Lweji · 02/01/2018 13:23

She gets a lot of positive attention and praise day to day.

Is it relevant positive attention or praise, or is it just automatic attention and praise?
If not used properly it can do more harm than good.
See:
www.parentingscience.com/effects-of-praise.html
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-dont-praise-your-children
micheleborba.com/are-you-a-praise-aholic/

Shouting is never a good idea and it shouldn't be a consequence of hitting.

I'd ask her if she wants to be hit back. And would tell her how much it hurt me, both physically and emotionally.

If it only happened on the holidays, I'd suspect she feels she has too much freedom and doesn't really know what to do with it.
Even in the middle of the trantrums in her room, I'd go when she's calmer and suggest something (for example an activity) and talk to her. I wouldn't wait for her to go to me.

nestletollhouse · 02/01/2018 13:23

Sit down and talk to her. Is she upset about something? Did something happen at school? Is there something more going on?
When my dc was acting up we eventually figured out he was being bullied. I'm not saying she is, but perhaps something is bothering her and she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings.

SometimesMaybe · 02/01/2018 13:29

My DD has been a bit like this, not about clothes, but other things (food etc). Reward charts work for her. Tell her tonight when she is calm to pick out clothes for tomorrow (or if she would rather she can decide in the morning) and if she puts them on without a tantrum she will get a treat. And if she does it for 5 days (not it a row, as hey, we all have bad days) she gets to choose somewhere to go for dinner (or go to a shop to buy some new clothes).

Oh and you are totally right re the soft play, violence doesn’t get rewarded.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 02/01/2018 13:29

you sound at your wits end, I really feel for you.

I think I would go with the muddling through as best as you can approach for the moment and then as Rangelife says, see what happens when she gets back to school.

In the mean time, I'd try and be pretty practical with her, no punishments as such, when the bad behaviour isn't happening, carry on life as normal. Just go with natural consequences, so if she misses soft play because it's no longer practical to do so, so be it, if she's ready in time, then that's good. When she hits you, remove, her or you from the situation pronto and disengage.
Lots of 'I can see you are upset, when you are ready you can have a hug'.

It sounds like the poor sausage doesn't have the understanding yet of what it really is that's upsetting her. It doesn't sound like attention seeking to me, more like loss of control and not having a clue what's going on with herself and expecting you being Mum, being able to magically fix the out of sorts feeling.

SometimesMaybe · 02/01/2018 13:31

And you are totally not unreasonable to want her to put bloody clothes on. I couldn’t sit in all day just because my six year old decided to have an extended tantrum.

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 13:34

Exactly KimmySchmidt

Lweji · 02/01/2018 13:36

Oh and you are totally right re the soft play, violence doesn’t get rewarded.

I disagree.

The soft play would be a good way to help her relax and let go of whatever she's struggling with.

I think you shot yourself on the foot on that one. If something is good for them, encourage them to go, don't use it to punish them.

user9217 · 02/01/2018 13:37

@speakout
I would ignore the strops.

Try to remain calm and cheerful.

Sometimes our children need to be shown how to get themselves into a better mood.
Leaving them to stew is not always the best option.
Could you suggest baking/making pizza for tea together- plan but then realise you need some ingredient- which requires a quick outing to the shop?

^ This. Worth a try OP? Distraction but also getting what you want ()

TabbyTigger · 02/01/2018 13:37

I think you’re getting a hard time here, it sounds to me like you’re doing your best with a very suddenly tricky situation.

Mine have always been able to choose their own clothes and never became overwhelmed/confised as some are suggesting. 5yo may wear the same bright leggings and t shirt almost every day but she does happily get dressed. It does sound to me like, as you’ve asserted, attention seeking - and the ways she’s going about seeking attention (stomping, screaming) are totally wrong so YANBU to ignore. Hopefully soon she’ll learn this isn’t how to get attention.

I would actually suggest that you just don’t mention getting dressed. No discussion, no battle, just when you’re ready to go out say “okay we’re going to the shops/etc now” and if she needs to get in the car in her pyjamas, she does. I know she can’t go out for long in pyjamas but just once it won’t hurt her and will teach her that she needs to get herself dressed. I sent my 12 and 13 year old DDs to the shop down the road in pyjamas with trainers and coats thrown over this morning!!

I think you honestly need to give no attention to the issue and carry on with your day to day life as though she is dressed, because it’s become a battle ground and she’ll have recognised that.

Also with you on kids not staying indoors that long - mine sleep much less if they don’t go out! Over a week without getting dressed and leaving the house would be crazy IMO and definitely wouldn’t float in my house. It’s just an example of different values! If she stays in all day then so does someone else and no family outings can occur - it inconveniences everyone, and isn’t just a case of her not getting fresh air.

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 13:38

Sometimes Why make a thing of it? I would just go out.

Skowvegas · 02/01/2018 13:38

I think I'd have offered the softplay early in the day as a motivation to get dressed.

My oldest was a lot like this at 6/7/8. I found having something to motivate her was very important. (I still find this with her, and she is now 16...)

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