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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore dd crying in her room?

102 replies

NapQueen · 31/12/2017 12:31

She is 6. And for the past week or so been a pain in the arse over clothes, what fits, what doesnt.

Shes had three separate non clothes related strops this morning so is clearly having a bad day. Ive offered assistance with choosing clothes and after her snatching and throwing stuff around her room Ive left her to it.

Its been 1.5 hours so far of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 09:13

Thanks for all the advice.

Yesterday was also hideous. She was given a small choice in clothes and asked to get dressed. Again she ended up in her room crying and slamming doors so after a couple of requests for her to get dressed and lots of screaming and throwing on her part we removed a couple of her favourite toys.

She eventually got dressed.

This morning I chose her clothes as giving her a choice doesnt work. Refused again. This time lots of hitting and throwing. Tried actually dressing her this morning, which is what resulted in the hitting.

No further forward as she is now naked in her bedroom (took herself there), fake crying and stomping around.

OP posts:

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 09:23

Does she eat a lot of high sugar \wheat food? Try her with fresh fruit for breakfast . get her to choose it and cut it carefully to make a funny face or a flower picture with it

Why can't she just choose her clothes? I would encourage the positive behaviour and ignore the problematic. There's a Book called "How to Talk so your Child will Listen and Listen so your Child will Talk." It will help.

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2018 09:32

I’d just leave her in PJs for a few days.

It means you can all take a step back, all calm down and won’t have to “get dressed”

See how things go, she may start wanting to get dressed.

Also talk to her when she’s calm about why she hates getting dressed.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/01/2018 09:32

Hitting is completely unacceptable - she was hitting you while you were getting her dressed, which is a perfectly reasonable thing for a parent to do. What do you do when she's stamping and screaming and hitting? Mine would be having some time in with me - her held firmly and quietly on my lap or next to me until she calms down and then a chat about how unacceptable her behaviour was. Sanctions would include removal of a treat (there's no time to do X because you aren't dressed) or the renal of the thing that was distracting her from getting dressed. Then I'd return her to her room and physically dress her.

She's testing the boundaries, her behaviour is escalating because she wants to see how serious you are about being in charge - possibly not very if you're allowing her to hit and throw things.

YouTheCat · 02/01/2018 09:39

Do you have other children? If so, I'd ignore her and make a big fuss of your other child and start doing something fun with them. If no other kids then how about saying, the minute she starts, something like 'right, I'm off to bake some biscuits/get some craft things out' and then leave her to it.

Leave her one set of clothes out.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 02/01/2018 09:41

I know how you feel op! I have a nearly 5 year old dd who will only wear dresses and at times she really loses control of herself if I won't let her wear a short sleeve dress out with no tights or cardigan!
I've also had th tantrums over Christmas with clothes.
I've not got any advice really only that I usually pick two dresses with tights etc and get her to pick one. If she starts having a tantrum I leave her to it until she calms down.'she wouldn't be screaming for 90 mins though.

Thebluedog · 02/01/2018 09:41

Have you tried feeding her, given her calpol or tried to get her to sleep (or at least a blanket on the sofa with a film on), when my dd gets like this it’s usually one of those 3 that sorts her out. Too much Christmas excitement

Thebluedog · 02/01/2018 09:42

By the way, my dd has gone to the childminders with grey school tights on, a long maxi dress and a thick jumper on, tipped off with a pair of trainers

YouTheCat · 02/01/2018 09:43

Bluedog, that's a 'win' though. She has tights and a jumper.

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 10:15

When she heard ds getting ready to go out to softplay with dh she immediatley stopped crying "oooooo soft play I had best get dressed". To which she has been told she isnt going due to her behaviour this morning.

Ive tried various optipns. Give complete choice over clothes. Give a couple of optipns. Give no choice. Pjs all day. Frankly none of them work and at some point every day she kicks off massively about her clothes.

Yesterday we eventually got out of the house after a huge bust up over knickers that kept falling down (they werent). Not 9nce when we got out or for the rest of the day did she mention her underwear or have to pull them up.

The entirity of her behaviour is for attention. Thats the be all and end all.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 02/01/2018 10:24

So don't give her attention. Give ds attention. Once she realises you aren't playing with her, she'll stop.

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 10:26

No it's because they're 6 years old and working out how the world works. If you're threatening and negative to her she will just get worse. let her be fgs.

I speak as an ex CM/nanny to 10 families and EY teacher M of 3. I never speak DOWN to children and they respect that.

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 10:28

There's nothing wrong with the right attention, there is something wrong with nagging though.

BashStreetKid · 02/01/2018 10:37

Have you talked to her when she is calm about why this is such an issue for her? What does she say?

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 10:40

Ive asked her why she is upset. She doesnt know. Ive asked her to pick out which underwear she will wear, she says none of it.

ppeat I dont talk down to her.
Ive left her to it, and eventually she gets dressed but not without much stomping and door slamming.

OP posts:

Pfftkids · 02/01/2018 10:42

Kids go through phases of pushing the boundaries to see what they can get away with. Don't give in.

If she wants to sit in her room and cry about clothes for an hour and a half then that's her choice but she doesn't get to go out and do fun things.

I would try the not allowed to come downstairs for breakfast until you are fully dressed.

But whatever you do stick to it and be firm or she will know she can get round you and carry on with the behaviour. Its like a battle of wills 😂

Good luck Op, kids are sent to try us 😂

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2018 11:47

she gets dressed but not without much stomping and door slamming.

You have to ignore the stomping abd door slamming. She will stop doing it as it’s nit getting her any attention. Praise good stuff, ignore the rest.

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 02/01/2018 11:50

Mine don't get dressed during the holidays unless we're going out or someone's coming round.

callmeadoctor · 02/01/2018 11:50

Why don't you just leave her to it, not the end of the world if she stays in her pjs for the holidays!

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/01/2018 11:58

My DD was like this at a similar age, eventually I got fed up and warned that if she didn't get dressed she would go in her PJs. She did have to go to school in her PJs that day - never happened again. Teacher backed me up on not being in school uniform.

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 12:43

So threatening no breakfast is a god idea is it? She could be dehydrated and hungry (with low blood sugar level) It happens to adults too she probably needs good nourishing food . She 'isn't a monster she's just a 6 yr. old ,a known age for being 'difficult'.

Leave her in a her pyjamas for the day what's the big deal? Oh I know, an adult making it into a big deal.

Original poster

NapQueen · 02/01/2018 12:44

She cant go out in her pjs and I (nor dh and ds) can sit indoors all day every day til she decides she wants to get dressed.

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 02/01/2018 12:47

Xmas is all about slobbing around in your pjs

dorislessingscat · 02/01/2018 12:48

I still say ignore, and do fun things with your DS instead.

Thetreesareallgone · 02/01/2018 12:50

So- basically she couldn't win today once she had a paddy! Now she will dress to go to soft play, you won't take her.

So, to get attention (positive, negative, it's all the same) she will just create again tomorrow!

I would have carried on with the day normally, and once she was dressed, let her do the normal things like go to soft play. Once you get into a cycle of punishment, she won't give in, she'll just have a paddy tomorrow as well.

I'd just leave her clothes out and say 'remember, if you want to stay with no clothes in your bedroom, fine, but if you want to come with us to the park/soft play/downstairs to see Granny then you need to have clothes on, I'll leave you to it'. She'll then get dressed.

I could be projecting though, my dd was like this at 6, just awful, would only wear one outfit, said everything 'hurt', cried and fussed a lot over clothes, it turned out in the end she was lactose intolerant and her tummy really did hurt a lot. I just assumed she was being a fuss-pot. So, don't rule out a physical reason (cold, not having eaten breakfast) which is also making things worse.

I reckon if you are calm, lay out the choice (not dressed=dont go anywhere, dressed=able to have fun, go out, do cooking (as you can't cook if you dont' have clothes on, too dangerous to splash yourself)) then she will eventually get back into wearing clothes!

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