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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore dd crying in her room?

102 replies

NapQueen · 31/12/2017 12:31

She is 6. And for the past week or so been a pain in the arse over clothes, what fits, what doesnt.

Shes had three separate non clothes related strops this morning so is clearly having a bad day. Ive offered assistance with choosing clothes and after her snatching and throwing stuff around her room Ive left her to it.

Its been 1.5 hours so far of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
NapQueen · 31/12/2017 13:05

I just put outfit out and they put it on... no aggro

With the greatest of respect gamer this is hardly the same. Quite clearly I am getting agro from her. I w9uld quite like it if she just got dressed no agro.

OP posts:
Original poster
NapQueen · 31/12/2017 13:07

Shes dressed now and sat with a sandwhich.

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 31/12/2017 13:10

don't physically put the clothes on her. Give up the plan. Be Flexible. Make a new plan which means the demand to get dressed becomes unimportant. Does it really matter whether you go out or not, is it the end of the world if you don't?(Put it out of the your mind the idea that she is not allowed to control you by staying in) Whose benefit is the outing for? So if you want her to be happy, stay in. Go out later. Does it matter? You might win this battle but she might do the same tomorrow. What does that achieve? Are you going to use force every time, or is she going to learn that you are more "powerful" than she?

RebeccaWrongDaily · 31/12/2017 13:11

the reason you are getting the aggro (and the behaviour) is because you are adding to the drama. Put clothes out, tell her to put them on, remind, her, if she doesn't, dress her.
Drama over, she's six. Not sixteen so clothes are just clothes. If she wants to be treated like a six month old baby and be dressed by her mummy then so be it. Disengage. I wouldn't have a 90 minute tantrum about something so utterly pointless. getting dressed is not really negotiable is it?

Nettleskeins · 31/12/2017 13:11

x post. Well done!!!!Blush

Karmagician · 31/12/2017 13:16

Result OP but sounds like this has been ongoing for a while and I can hear your frustration. No ideas I'm afraid but if it helps (which I doubt) my 7yr old boys have been a total nightmare these past few days..... thinking it might be a culmination of overload from Christmas, late nights, change in routine......plus the end of an unusually long half-term at school... Fingers crossed things will return to 'normal' soon.

Original poster
NapQueen · 31/12/2017 13:19

the reason you are getting the aggro (and the behaviour) is because you are adding to the drama

I dont think I was. "Dd go and put some clothes on, I will see you when you are dressed. If you need help come and ask".

Thats it. Left to it.

OP posts:
Evelynismyformerspyname · 31/12/2017 13:21

Does she have sensory issues or something worrying her, or is she really long term overtired?

I know that she's dressed now, but you say this isn't a one off. My kids have chosen their own clothes every day since they were two (every day - non uniform schools) and we've never, ever had that kind of drama, so if it started happening at 7 I'd assume that something else is going on. My youngest is nearly 7 and truly it isn't a standard issue 7 year old phase, nor is it because you let her choose her own clothes.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2017 13:23

I'd guess she's not bang up for going out and getting some fresh air, can't blame her it's miserable out. Generally it's best to look for what's causing the behavuour.

Original poster
NapQueen · 31/12/2017 13:23

Nothing else brewing that I know of.

Possible sensory issues, that is something this whole week has made us consider. However whenever she has eventually dressed the other days she never mentions clothes/discomfort for the rest of the day so if the clothing is bothering her she is forgetting about it once the drama is over.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 31/12/2017 13:30

My 7 year old is a hormonal mess at times, and I'm expecting another surge at 9. Confused

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/12/2017 13:33

My 6 year old can be a nightmare getting dressed, she can fanny about for hours if I let her and dissolves into tears and tantrums if I cajole her along. If I don't need to be somewhere I tend to leave her to it but she stays in her room until she's dressed and there will usually be an activity or some sort downstairs that she wants to join in with - so she's motivated to get dressed and misses out on the activity if she isn't dressed. We also will have days when we're all in pjs until we can be arsed getting dressed so sge doesn't always need to be up and dressed.

If I need to be somewhere she's told to get dressed, reminded of she gets off task and the third time ill physically dress her. It's a perfunctory putting on of clothes, not cheery mummy helping her - no chat etc, I literally get her dressed in a very matter of fact way. There's no way I'd allow her to strop for over an hour over getting dressed.

Evewasinnocent · 31/12/2017 13:36

I agree with @Evelyn re sensory (or similar?) issues. This probably isn’t helpful but DS2 was a nightmare over clothes (and unfortunately many other things!). He is no problem now he is 21 and the other side of the world on a gap (not quite a) year!

Blackteadrinker77 · 31/12/2017 13:52

Have you sat and asked her why she is acting this way?

ppeatfruit · 31/12/2017 13:56

Was she allowed to 'choose' her clothes when you bought them together or not? There's nothing wrong with giving a 6 yr old personal autonomy (it helps them grow up). She's on holiday it's a good idea to allow her to wear what she wants.

Dressing dcs till they're 10 is horrible (it will lead to them feeling humiliated and powerless). btw that comment was not to the op.

missyB1 · 31/12/2017 14:04

I’ve seen this sort of behaviour in children who are given too many choices and too much control. Why was she given 1.5 hours to decide what to wear? Try giving her a choice of two outfits in future, and she has a max of 5 minutes to decide which she will wear. It’s actually overwhelming for young children to be given too much choice.

ppeatfruit · 31/12/2017 14:29

missy My 3 dcs chose their own clothes from when they wanted to. About age 2 or 3 They never went into tempers about it. We discussed what they wanted to wear and they wore it (obviously not school uniforms). They are adults now and manage the 'choice' that they have with no problems at all.

gamerchick · 31/12/2017 14:43

Dressing dcs till they're 10 is horrible (it will lead to them feeling humiliated and powerless). btw that comment was not to the op

Heh you make it sound like I actually dressed them Grin bravo!

I can assure you they seemed to have come out of it relatively unscathed. Kids don’t need discussions over outfits. There’s not a cats in hells chance I would have tolerated a tantrum over clothes but funny enough we didn’t get one in all my 22 years of being a parent.

ppeatfruit · 31/12/2017 14:54

You never discuss your outfits? Why should dcs be treated differently? They aren't dolls, It's what concerns them.

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 14:59

You said she had to get dressed because you had to go out today as she didn't go out yesterday. Why? Christmas is a big comedown after everything that's been happening. Couldn't you just let her walk around in what she wanted and had a quiet day in?

Jakethekid · 31/12/2017 15:03

Is it possible something at school is making her this way? Young girls now seem to have higher expectations of how they look. A lot of young girls now think they have to look and dress a certain way. Could it be a self confidence issue? I know that sounds stupid and sorry if i am way off the mark but just a thought.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2017 15:08

I agree with Missy. At this time of year, when all routine goes out the window, sometimes you just have to take the decision yourself, or really cut down the choices.

dorislessingscat · 31/12/2017 15:13

Have had exactly the same from my DD at that age. Usually tiredness/overexcitement/excess sugar. I found ignoring it the best strategy.

I eventually could anticipate the meltdowns and jolly her out of them before they became too ingrained.

She has grown out of it now thank god!

gillybeanz · 31/12/2017 15:43

I wouldn't put up with this, but tantrums got mine nowhere, they soon learned.
Just tell her what she's wearing if she doesn't get dressed either do it yourself or make her miss out on something, take a toy off her, give her time out until she will get dressed.
You'll just make a rod for your own back and have a disobedient child that rules the roost.

HopefulForToday · 31/12/2017 16:02

Personally I only did the whole ignoring tantrums thing when the dc were toddlers and didn't know better.

At 6, I wouldn't have listened to screaming and stomping in the background for hours. I couldn't (still can't) bear it.

Ds2 is 7 and has the very occasional tantrum if he doesn't get his own way over something. He gets ignored for the first minute or two then told that's enough now, stomping and crying won't change anything. He gets another minute before he's told sternly that I won't listen to him making a racket and to pack it in or X (punishment/removal of something).

I've never had to follow through with a punishment and he'll pull himself together, sulk quietly for 5 minutes then snap out of it. I'm happy to ignore a sulk or grumpiness but not actual screaming.