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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish DH would just fuck off?

53 replies

Sanshin · 31/12/2017 10:25

As per previous posts I'm having a lot of problems with my son. Short version of story - 16 years old, in with the wrong crowd, not in work or education, disrespectful. Obviously I'm fucking worried and upset about him and have NO real life support at all. His father is shit and the rest of my own family don't do "support". So it's just me.

So we had the episode yesterday where DS sneaked in a mate in the early hours of the morning after I'd said no to him sleeping over. As a result of this I told him that doors would now be locked from 11.30pm every night and if he wasn't in, tough.

So last night, I text him at 10pm and told him to remember doors would be getting locked at 11.30. At 11.25 still no sign of him. DH went to take dog for a walk and I text DS asking where he was. He replied that he was on the bus and would be 15 minutes. DH gets back and I tell him DS is on his way and will be 15 minutes. This sparks up the cunt in DH where he just goes on and on and on ....

"There's only me that gives a shit"
"He's spoilt my Christmas again"
"You don't give a fucking shit"
"He doesn't give a shit about you"
"I'd do fucking mad at him but I have my own boys here who I love dearly"
"I'm going to tell my boys what he's he's like"
I feel like leaving, I want to leave but it would be 10 times worse when I got back because I'm the only one giving a shit"

Well don't fucking come back then eh? It would be nice if just once, I could get some support from someone - even from god forbid, my husband but no .... he just adds to the fucking problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sanshin · 31/12/2017 10:27

Oh and then in the middle of the night he starts fading and blinding, woke me up. I asked what was wrong and he said DS had music on. I listened and genuinely couldn't hear a thing, the house was silent so I said "I can't hear anything?" And he replies "yeah well you never fucking can".

Oh just fuck off!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sanshin · 31/12/2017 10:28

If mumsnet could edit the title to say "to wish DH would just fuck off" that would be great 😭

*[We've done that for you now, OP!]

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 31/12/2017 10:31

Well yes he could be more supportive but your son was royally taking the piss wasn't he? If you say the door will be locked at a certain time then that is when you lock up-your DS now knows that you weren't serious & you'll not lock him out. It isn't like he had no warning is it? You messaged him at 10pm Hmm

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 31/12/2017 10:33

Why didn’t you just lock the doors at the time you said you would?! What’s the point in threatening something if you’re not even going to bother actually doing it?!

wanderlust99 · 31/12/2017 10:33

Maybe your ds is acting up because of him? He sounds like he is secretly enjoying it as he can then be smug about it. Call his bluff OP. Tell him to leave.

Original poster
Sanshin · 31/12/2017 10:34

Yes I get that and I was pissed off and intend to speak to him yet again about it today. The problem with last night was we were still up, DH was out with the dog, I was watching TV - I could hardly sit there with the door locked knowing he was outside. It would have been different had we gone to bed, then I would have locked it.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 31/12/2017 10:35

I think your DH should be giving you a lot more support, yes. He’s making your life worse, not better, that’s not right at all. However, you told your son 11.30 and he took the piss. Are there any sanctions you can put in place? Can you ground him? Will he listen?

Cabininthewoods69 · 31/12/2017 10:37

Hand hold here. It's hard in blended families but I would expect support from my dh. Maybe try a no nonsense tactic with ds. If he can't follow the rules then stop providing for him.

Men can be so unsupportive and just damn right hard work. I would say if you don't like it leave to my dh if he was like that.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 31/12/2017 10:38

Then don’t fucking bother telling him you’re going to do it...he knows damn well he can play you for a fool because mummy won’t actually bother following through on her threats.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 10:40

It sounds like he is trying to scare you into thinking he may leave.

OP, if DH is unbearable, don't wait for him to leave, leave him. Find someone who does provide support.

And yes, be firmer with the curfews, or DS won't take it seriously. No more warnings. Doors get locked at 11.30pm even if you're watching TV. Preferably with curtains open.

Original poster
Sanshin · 31/12/2017 10:41

Don't get me wrong, I know DS royally fucked up yet again and I'm going to deal with it today. But how the fuck is DH giving me verbal abuse going to help anything? All it does is make me wish he would fuck off so I had one less twat to deal with. Him first, then DS can piss off and then maybe I'd get a bit of peace with DS1 and my dog.

OP posts:
Teenagerwoes · 31/12/2017 10:44

The his own sons comment would bother me! Are they affected by your sons behaviour?
Has your son always been difficult?

I have a teenage son who is not my dh child but he’s the only dad my son has ever known, it can be difficult at times but we came as a package and that’s it.

Are the other boys with you ft?

For those saying lock the doors when you say you will and then what? Worry all night or be woken by him banging on the door?

Flowers
DearMrDilkington · 31/12/2017 10:47

How is he on a day to day basis with your ds?

It's hard to tell if your dh is being an arse or if his getting fed up of your ds doing as he pleases all the time.

everymummy · 31/12/2017 10:48

We have been through a difficult teen and I do understand the problems it causes between you. I also understand how hard it is to make rules in unpredictable situations.

I'm not sure that locking the door is the ideal solution because, as you say, you'd be hard-pressed to leave him locked out. I also think that if you'd gone to bed and he banged on the door, you would have had to let him in anyway. He doesn't believe you'll do it and let's face it he's probably right. He didn't even text to let you know he'd be later than agreed time for door-locking. He's running rings around you, doesn't respect you or believe you'll follow through on your threats (pretty standard stuff with difficult teens from loving parents) and that must be very frustrating for your DH. Teenagers are clever and hard to outwit.

What do you think he would do if he came back and couldn't get in?

A better course of action comes from you and your DH supporting each other and by that I don't just mean your DH putting up with your repeated fails (I say this kindly, as I'm very au fait with teenage parenting fails myself). It's not all your DH's fault. I can tell you it's very hard to bear teenage behaviour when you're not drawing on the well of infinite love and forgiveness that fills during baby and childhood.

Cloudyapples · 31/12/2017 10:48

I think you need to stick to your guns a bit more with ds otherwise he’ll just keep walking all over you. If doors are locked at 11.30 then lock them at 11.30 and tell him he has to make alternative plans if he isn’t home as doors are now locked. If you keep waiting up and letting him get away with not following the rules then surely you’ll just make things harder for yourself?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 31/12/2017 10:50

Can you disappear for a few weeks, or so?

Leave the two men in your life to fight to the death.

Tbh they both sound as bad as each other and both of them are making your life miserable. I definitely vote for let them fight to the death, gladiator style.

differentnameforthis · 31/12/2017 10:52

You need to stop making threats to your ds that you are not prepared to enforce. You said doors locked at 11.30 (too late for a 16yr old in with the wrong crowd, and who is disrespectful, imo) and you should have stuck to it!

Instead your immediate reaction is call your dh a "cunt" for objecting to your leniency. How much do you give in to your ds? Yes, he should be supporting you more, but with your attitude toward him here, perhaps he has the feeling that you don't allow him to discipline/help with your ds? It does sound like your son is causing issues within your marriage. I wonder which came first..dh's annoyance, or your son's misbehaviour?

he knows damn well he can play you for a fool because mummy won’t actually bother following through on her threats. Exactly this.

WeirdCatLady · 31/12/2017 10:55

What is the point in you setting boundaries for your ds if you’re just going to roll over when it comes time to stay strong? Christ, it’s no wonder your dh is fed up with it all.

19lottie82 · 31/12/2017 10:58

Has your husband supported you previously with your DS? If he has and you keep making threats and not following through with them, I can see why he’s getting pissed off tbh.

hmcAsWas · 31/12/2017 11:02

I think OP sounds like she is at her wits end and at the end of her tether - so if posters are going to make the point that she should have stuck rigidly to 11.30, perhaps make the point more kindly and less brusquely? (I appreciate that not everyone has been brusque)

Homemenu1 · 31/12/2017 11:07

Op I think your getting a hard time, hindsights a great thing.

You need to be prepared to follow what you suggest so maybe set a punishment you can deliver.
Fwiw I couldn't lock my child out the house at night for fear of what would happen.
Are their any other consequences that work better for you? Phone? X box? Wifi?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 31/12/2017 11:09

I think you’ve probably got 2 separate problems. They have something in common, but they are separate.
You have a DS problem. He doesn’t respect you & that’s because you don’t think through your rules & consequences properly and apply them consistently. This is not your sons fault. He’s responsible for his behaviour but you are responsible for yours. He needs to give respect to get respect. You need to try and dial back on the cross and have a conversation with him about how you can live together taking everyone’s needs into account. (I promise I do know how hard that is but admitting you have been mishandling the situation does help to reboot things).
You also have a dh problem. You don’t seem to like him very much. He doesn’t seem to like or respect you. He is not your son’s father and so when he is unreasonably harsh towards him, it sets off your protective, maternal instincts and you probably end up defending your ds, perhaps more than he deserves because you feel he is being unfairly attacked.
If your ds lived in his own place, would you actually enjoy the company of your dh. Do you love him and feel loved by him? Or would you still think life would be a bit lighter and brighter if he fucked off?
These are big questions and you seem so stuck in the middle that you cannot see the wood for the trees.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/12/2017 11:15

From what I can tell,

Your "D"S treats you like a doormat, and your "D"H is pissed off that you let yourself be treated like a doormat which is annoying you.

JustDanceAddict · 31/12/2017 11:17

Sounds more like your DS should sort his shit out! I don’t blame your dh for being pissed off tbh.,

disappearingninepatch · 31/12/2017 11:17

Why were you ringing your DS? You told him what time he needed to be home. If you were up after that time, then he was in luck and you could let him in but I don't understand why you are chasing him. He needs to take some responsibility. I'm not surprised that your DH is pissed off and, if he is usually a supportive, loving husband, you'd be a fool to let him go over this.

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