To wish DH would just fuck off?

[Sanshin]

As per previous posts I'm having a lot of problems with my son. Short version of story - 16 years old, in with the wrong crowd, not in work or education, disrespectful. Obviously I'm fucking worried and upset about him and have NO real life support at all. His father is shit and the rest of my own family don't do "support". So it's just me.

So we had the episode yesterday where DS sneaked in a mate in the early hours of the morning after I'd said no to him sleeping over. As a result of this I told him that doors would now be locked from 11.30pm every night and if he wasn't in, tough.

So last night, I text him at 10pm and told him to remember doors would be getting locked at 11.30. At 11.25 still no sign of him. DH went to take dog for a walk and I text DS asking where he was. He replied that he was on the bus and would be 15 minutes. DH gets back and I tell him DS is on his way and will be 15 minutes. This sparks up the cunt in DH where he just goes on and on and on ....

"There's only me that gives a shit"
"He's spoilt my Christmas again"
"You don't give a fucking shit"
"He doesn't give a shit about you"
"I'd do fucking mad at him but I have my own boys here who I love dearly"
"I'm going to tell my boys what he's he's like"
I feel like leaving, I want to leave but it would be 10 times worse when I got back because I'm the only one giving a shit"

Well don't fucking come back then eh? It would be nice if just once, I could get some support from someone - even from god forbid, my husband but no .... he just adds to the fucking problem.

OP You have my my sympathy for the tough spot you find yourself in with your DS. You can't make him grow up. I wish I had advice that I could give confidently. Would it be helpful to ask DH to be the "soft" person in the family so you could be more of the "hard" person in the family? And could you make a plan for DS like a tent and sleeping bag on the porch that he could fall back on if he couldn't find a friend's sofa, so you are more likely to follow through with the consequence?

I read your thread yesterday and I don't blame your DH getting angry with you because will not deal with YOUR sons behaviour, you keep saying you will deal with it tomorrow. But as we all know tomorrow never comes.

You will be still complaining about your son when he is still doing sweet F A and drugs in the years to come as you haven't parented in the last 16 years.

If your H has any sense he would go and leave you with your lazy son and his friends who will use your house as drug dose house because you allow it.

OP, it sounds like your son has ruined Christmas and doesn't give a shit about you. I can see why your husband also feels that you don't care enough if you won't enforce the rules you threaten to - at 16 I don't think most kids would be given an 11:30 curfew and then be allowed to break it, especially not one that did what yours did yesterday. And I don't see what reason he would have to lie about the music. I think you need to get far far tougher on your son and agree a united front with your husband on it - it isn't fair on you and it isn't fair on him and his sons that yours is doing this all the time.

I would put both of them on the kerb temporarily.

Your dh for being unsupportive even if he is at the end of his tether the swearing doesn’t help. And if he can hear music why doesn’t he get off his lazy arse and investigate.

Your ds at 11.30 should face locked doors. I don’t give a shit if he’s out for new year or your having a party. You’ve set the boundary so get a backbone and enforce it. Yes he’ll hammer on the door. Yes he will be mad but he will know a boundary exists where there wasn’t one before

I'm another one who doesn't blame your husband for being at the end of his tether.

I haven't read any of your other threads but from the jist of some of the other replies it sounds like you've struggled to follow through with your DS (apologies if that's not correct), but that once again you have failed to follow through on your curfew threat to your DS.

It is absolutely tedious to have someone whinge and moan about you all the time about a problem they have (i.e. Your DS) and then fail to do anything about it at all even when you give advice.

To be honest I've been in that situation before and you just lose patience with the person. It's frustrating to provide support and advice that goes ignored time and again, particularly if it's impacting the whole family.

The above may not apply to you at all, but only you will know whether that's the case or not. Maybe your DH is an arse, but maybe he's just been ignored?!

You are partly to blame for not following through on threats.
The door will be locked at 11.30 if you’re home or not. Then fucking lock the door! At 16 your son Is old enough to get on the bus that will deliver him home in time, yet you still ring him to remind him and let him in late because he didn’t get the bus that would get him home before curfew.
He seriously is taking the piss, time for you to do some hard parenting.

I think you maybe chose a consequence you couldn’t really follow through on in wintertime. I think the way to get control would be through finances, take control of the money and then he will not be able to go out to have much fun. Can you stop / control all the income streams he has?

OP. Be more literal. Lock the door. Tell the dh to go out until he can be of use to you and yours. They need to respect your boundaries but they wont if you don't.

Did you really think your DS would come home by 11:30? He's pushing the boundaries.

Personally I couldn't lock my16yo out in the cold, so wouldn't have used that a a threat. I think you need to get together with your DH to devise a plan as to how to handle your DS, because how you're handling him now doesn't seem to be working for any of you.

I can't believe that people think that locking a 16 year old out, especially when you are still up, is the way forward! You would have to be pretty stubborn and selfish to do that, and I can't see how it would encourage your son to respect you.
However, making threats that you are not willing or able to follow through will just undermine your authority.
It does sound like DS is playing you though. Your DHs responses suggest that his behavior is affecting other children in the family, and that you are not recognising how DSs behaviour impacts on everyone else.
The problem with rules is that they have to be enforced to work. I'm assuming you've already had long discussions both separately and jointly with DS and DH. Boys and their fathers often lock horns, and it must be so much worse when the adult male is not the father of the youngster.
Sorry I don't have much advice, but can only offer a lot of sympathy!

OP I've read quite a few of your other threads. I feel for you, neither ds or dh sound ideal. I don't have any answers but I think maybe 2018 is the year you should take control of your life. You're obviously not happy in your relationship so maybe time to face up to things and end it. Ds needs to learn some harsh life lessons. Next time lock the door. He'll find somewhere else to go, probably his dossy mates. Give him an ultimatum, get himself sorted and stop being a waster, or he's out.

I would never actually lock a 16 year old out - that is stupid and dangerous. However, I would certainly be using other sanctions that would hurt without causing him to be in actual danger on the street. I'm sure no posters would suggest this if your DS was a girl.

Who pays for his phone, his computer, his travel, his alcohol? I'm guessing its you. Cut all of that. Give him a place to sleep that is warm and safe and three meals a day. If he wants more than this, he can go to college, back to school or get a job. When he has some structure to his days and realises what hard work means, he will grow up. Why are you allowing him to doss about? I thought it was the law that all under 18's had to be in education or training? You're doing him no favours.

Reading some of your other posts OP, it is clear that you are struggling.

Here you are moaning about your 16yr old son who does nothing but take the piss, and a few days ago you were posting about your 18 yr old son who does nothing but take the piss, whilst also moaning about your dh.

Don’t you think it’s about time you actually DID something to bring about changes? Maybe act on some of the very good advice that posters keep offering you?

Re the late night music (and I say this as someone with terrible hearing), if your DS has woken your DH with music - whether you can hear it or not - that would piss me right off.

Your DS needs boundaries and consequences to his selfish actions.

Every time you set a rule you don't then enforce, both of them see you as an easy mark.

Your DS then retsins less reapect for you and your DH becomes more exasperated and angry with the both of you.

Set realistic rules you can and will enforce and agree them in advance with DH.

The thing with locking him out- and I think OP knows this, hence reluctance to follow through- is that he will then have little choice but to go and stay with his drug using wannabe criminal friends and that isn't going to help the situation one bit.

I hope you can work through this OP. My son was relatively 'good' at 16 but I still remember well the fear of him making serious mistakes (he was using weed while at 6th form college) and the mixture of love, anger and fear that makes it so painful and the loss of control just when your child needs guidance the most. You're trying, so just keep trying

retains and respect. All thumbs today, sorry.

Oh, as I recall from the other thread, the son has a few hours paid work a week and OP doesn't give him money.

I read the other thread about the mate. What strikes me is that your DS can do whatever he likes and there are no consequences. You should have stuck to the curfew.
Your DH is probably fed up. I don't blame him.

I have sympathy for your Husband... and your Son is taking the laughing at you all...

I personally wouldn’t use locking your child out as a threat but that’s the rule you chose to enforce. So you need to implement it.

Or why not sit down with your son and discuss what he wants. Just sit and ask him and compromise between the three of you

I really feel for you op. You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place with no helpful support from your oh. I think threatening to lock the doors was in desperation and frustration but in reality is something very few Mums could follow through on as the Mum in you wants to make sure that your child is safe at home. I think first thing is speak to your husband and see whether you can show a united front (the line where he talks about his children and your child is very telling about how he views your son). Then sit down with your son and as calmly as you can explain what expectations you have for behaviour in your house and the sanctions that will be imposed and followed through on (I find phone, computer etc work well on my teenager). There is no magic wand and it will be tough. If your OH won't step up you need to decide what that truly means for your relationship but what about your sons Dad? Could he be of support?

- I could hardly sit there with the door locked knowing he was outside. It would have been different had we gone to bed, then I would have locked it.

Well then the rule isn’t to be back by 11:30. The rule is to be back before you go to bed.

If you make a rule and want it stuck to then you have to stick to it. Putting a tent and sleeping bag in the porch sounds like a good idea.

You’d only have to do it once. Stop phoning him to remind him as well.

“You must be back by 11:30 because if you aren’t then I’ll let you in anyway” ?! Nonsense.