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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not normal? How do I bring it up?

61 replies

user1488397844 · 31/12/2017 09:18

I looked through my OHs internet history last night as it's his birthday and I know hes been looking at some watches so wanted to order him one. However I was totally unprepared for what I found. He works away from home a lot of the time & I found various searches for escorts and massages in the area he's been working!?!? Obviously the massage could be totally innocent and I'm trying not to overreact but what the hell??? He had a works do last night and was worse for wear so I haven't had a chance to speak to him yet but what should I do? I have no evidence he's actually done anything but do you think the intention has been there? I'm just looking for advice on how to approach this. We have been together for 14 years and have a DC together, I have never had any concerns before! I dont want him to turn this around on me and say I shouldn't have checked his phone, as I say I've never done this before and had no concerns, hence why he clearly never bothered deleting his history!

OP posts:
Nquartz · 31/12/2017 09:21

Doesn't sound very innocent, if he has been seeing escorts/getting "massages" you looking at his phone massively pales in comparison.

lucylouuu · 31/12/2017 09:21

that's not totally innocent and i can't think of a innocent explanation for that atall

lucylouuu · 31/12/2017 09:22

if he was googling it then chances are the intention was there. Sorry OP Thanks

Angrybird345 · 31/12/2017 09:24

What’s the big deal with looking at your partners phone? There isn’t one, unless you’ve got trust issues or something to hide. As for your dp, take photos as proof and ask him what he’s been doing. I suspect he stays in hotels where he could get a massage, and googling escorts and massages will help with one tiny area of his body only. Wake him up, but don’t tell him what for yet.

trojanpony · 31/12/2017 09:25

Sorry this is happening. It does not look good.
The general advise is say nothing and do more digging.

He will lie /minimise and gaslight if you ask directly. The turning it around thing is also a common tactic.
I would not recommend discussing it now - there is v unlikely to be any non- bastard based explanation if there are multiple searches...

I’d take some time to process this and try and get more info on the quiet.

I’d also think about getting this moved to “relationships”

Sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Namechangetempissue · 31/12/2017 09:25

I would just ask him straight out 'why have you been looking into escorts?'. His reaction will speak 1000 words. I don't get all this sneaking around stuff -just tell him you know and ask for an explanation.

Original poster
user1488397844 · 31/12/2017 09:26

There's no evidence to show hes been for a massage or actually booked an escort, if there was it would be over but I was trying to look last night while he was asleep and couldn't find anything conclusive. I literally felt sick and was shaking etc but I dont have any proof of actual wrongdoing if that makes sense? I also looked up the massage parlour to see what they offer etc and it seems legit, reviews from women going for spa days etc so that could be genuine but why wouldn't he tell me? I'm so confused and also have DC here this morning so can't wake him up to confront him yet.

OP posts:
geekone · 31/12/2017 09:27

Looking for a massage could be innocent but looking up escorts isn't. You are right he might just have looked but it needs a discussion because it still means you have an issue with your marriage people don't see escorts for a chat no matter what the movies show. I hope he is having some midlife crisis and admits everything and had not done anything. I am so sorry you have found this OP Flowers. Take care

AlonsosLeftPinky · 31/12/2017 09:28

If he's looking at escorts in the area he's staying, it's likely to be because he's looking for one to visit.

Can you cross reference bank accounts to the dates to see if there's unusual payments or withdrawals?

geekone · 31/12/2017 09:29

OP just one other thing he could have been looking for a massage and wanted to ensure it wasn't an escort?

AlonsosLeftPinky · 31/12/2017 09:29

Also, often brothels are listed as massage parlours or saunas.

If he's searched for those terms then he'll have had results of legit places and dodgy ones but may have had to click on them to see which were which.

shatteredandfedup · 31/12/2017 09:30

Stop trying not to overreact.

He visits prostitutes. I'm sorry.

Take this time while he's asleep to work out what to do.

If it was me I'd be showing him the door, but I'd use this time to make copies of his financial documents and to send proof of visiting escorts to myself. (E.g. screenshots of the internet history).

Are you married? Do you have DC?

Do you have anyone you can talk to in RL?

cakeymccakington · 31/12/2017 09:30

Can you look at his phone calls and see if he has rung any of the numbers?

Original poster
user1488397844 · 31/12/2017 09:30

We dont have a joint bank account or I would have done that. We have a good sex life, and if he is looking for escorts it's certainly not because of lack of it here! I'm just going to have to confront him but honestly I know whether he's done anything or not he is going to say I'm at fault for looking and I don't trust him etc! Its all such a mess, this time yesterday we were making plans to move house etc now it all feels like a lie.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/12/2017 09:31

Ask him outright. If it's innocent ( which I highly doubt, sorry ) he will have an explanation. You will be able to tell from his response.

0ccamsRazor · 31/12/2017 09:32

Op he has been activly looking for sex outside of your relationship.

He will lie, minimise, gaslight, and turn on the tears. He will manipulate.

You will not get the whole truth.

Nothing is innocent here.

You will have to decide what you want to do.

Original poster
user1488397844 · 31/12/2017 09:32

The website he searched is solely for escorts etc so he was definitely looking at it. However it looks like he only clicked on one profile then left so I'm not convinced he has actually seen one, yet.

OP posts:
shatteredandfedup · 31/12/2017 09:33

If he's been searching for escorts he almost certainly uses escorts.

Can you access his bank account?

0ccamsRazor · 31/12/2017 09:34

Has he ever told you that he has had a massage? I doubt it. Red flag right there.

shatteredandfedup · 31/12/2017 09:34

What are the chances that the time you look at his inter at history is by coincidence the first and only time he's done this?

Purpledrainpipe · 31/12/2017 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shatteredandfedup · 31/12/2017 09:37

Do you have access to his email?

If so, go to adultworks website and out his email address into the forgot password function.

Then if he has an account with that email, reset the password and once you're in, reset the email attached to the account also so you have control of the account.

falange · 31/12/2017 09:37

Massage parlours don't advertise the 'extras' offered on their price lists.

falange · 31/12/2017 09:37

Massage parlours don't advertise the 'extras' offered on their price lists.

SnowFairyDust · 31/12/2017 09:37

It's not innocent.

Why would you look for such a thing, especially when away with absolutely no intention of doing anything?

Oh OP, what a rubbish thing to find out. Thanks