Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think this is not normal? How do I bring it up?

61 replies

user1488397844 · 31/12/2017 09:18

I looked through my OHs internet history last night as it's his birthday and I know hes been looking at some watches so wanted to order him one. However I was totally unprepared for what I found. He works away from home a lot of the time & I found various searches for escorts and massages in the area he's been working!?!? Obviously the massage could be totally innocent and I'm trying not to overreact but what the hell??? He had a works do last night and was worse for wear so I haven't had a chance to speak to him yet but what should I do? I have no evidence he's actually done anything but do you think the intention has been there? I'm just looking for advice on how to approach this. We have been together for 14 years and have a DC together, I have never had any concerns before! I dont want him to turn this around on me and say I shouldn't have checked his phone, as I say I've never done this before and had no concerns, hence why he clearly never bothered deleting his history!

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 31/12/2017 09:38

are they simply pop up adverts? do you have spam blockers?

Foodylicious · 31/12/2017 09:38

Have you checked his phone for numbers?

monkeysox · 31/12/2017 09:39

Also get booked in for sti testing

falange · 31/12/2017 09:40

Massage parlours don't advertise the 'extras' offered on their price lists.

shatteredandfedup · 31/12/2017 09:40

Can you check his phone?

Original poster

user1488397844 · 31/12/2017 09:41

I never even thought to go into his emails last night which I'm annoyed about as it would have told me if he had booked anything! Argh! I can't look now as he will probably be up soon & I really dont want to have this conversation when our 4year old is here. There are some which could be pop ups as he has been looking at porn(which I don't have an issue with) but some he has specifically typed into Google as a search.

OP posts:

StillWorkingOnACleverNN · 31/12/2017 09:43

I think you should say exactly what you said here - you were looking for a gift and were shocked at what you found. And I agree that his initial reaction will be telling. He may be intrigued by sex outside of marriage but doesn't want a relationship (which IMHO is harder to deal with than just interest in sex without a relationship). If you can get over being angry, ask if there is something you can do to keep his sexual focus firmly on you.

Differentcorner · 31/12/2017 09:43

I wouldn't jump to conclusions here. What about automatic pop ups if he had been on a porn website or something? Also lots of people have curious fleeting thoughts and it may well be all it was.

allthatmalarkey · 31/12/2017 09:49

I've known two marriages survive and get stronger after instances of infidelity have come to light, one where a prostitute was involved. I once heard a stat that 1 in 4 men will pay for sex at some time and some see it as less of a betrayal as it's no strings. The LTB crew are straight on it as usual and they're right to say get what evidence/financial stuff you can now in case you need it, but they're wrong to say your marriage is definitely over. Use this time to think, get your ducks in a row and get ready for his reaction.

allthatmalarkey · 31/12/2017 09:49

And I'm so sorry for the anguish this is causing you

Original poster

user1488397844 · 31/12/2017 09:53

Thanks everyone I am trying not to overreact. I checked his emails and he has not got an account with the escort service which is something at least. My head is a mess I've hardly slept and I'm trying to prepare myself for anything that might happen later.

OP posts:

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 09:56

I agree it could it's be curiosity, a pop up etc. But what doesn't sit right, is why search the area he's been working in?
I will say though, a few times dp, has been on his phone, and said look at this' handing me his phone, and it's been certain 'sites', and he's said 'x in work was going on about how he had been on the site' - the only difference is obviously, he's showed me the sites, and given the back ground. Could it be innocent like that? Someone has mentioned it, and he's looked out of curiosity?
Sorry you are going through this OP, but I would second a pp-you may want to think about booking an sti test, just in case.

OwlinaTree · 31/12/2017 09:57

Searching something on line doesn't mean you did it in real life.

Searching for an escort could be mild curiosity. He could be watching something else (eg porn) and wondering how much escorts earn, hence googling it.

I'm not saying he's innocent, but I would want to be seeing more evidence than a Google search before sending a relationship that otherwise seems fine.

OwlinaTree · 31/12/2017 09:58

Ending not sending

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/12/2017 09:59

OP, if the searches extend over a long period and over different cities, it is very naive to believe he has not used the services.

Time to check his card statements for cash withdrawals while abroad (which could be innocent) but if you look hard enough, you will find a pattern.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2017 10:00

I can maybe contextualise it for you. When I'm travelling for work I don't google escorts in the area I shall be in.

Why. Because someone who has no interest doesn't do that. When you're traveling or away from home do you look up escorts in the area? If not, why not? Because the reason you don't, is the reason he does.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 10:00

Even if he has just loked at one profile, as you say, he made 'various searches' for escorts.

He could be using a different email account for the escorts.

ItsYuleyme · 31/12/2017 10:01

I wouldn't jump to conclusions and start ruining your marriage here. He could have been talking to a guy in the hotel bar who does this sort of thing and had a look out of curiosity. It doesn't seem as though he's done anything about it.
Calm down!

Slartybartfast · 31/12/2017 10:07

dont go snooping on anything else of his
what is the point - what sort of relationship do you need to snoop on bank accounts and emails?
just ask him

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 10:08

Slarty, unfortunately people do lie. Better to collect evidence then ask him.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 10:11

He may have been looking for a massage, which led to an escort page....but if he's specifically googling escorts....I can't think of an innocent explanation.

oblada · 31/12/2017 10:17

"
I wouldn't jump to conclusions and start ruining your marriage here. He could have been talking to a guy in the hotel bar who does this sort of thing and had a look out of curiosity. It doesn't seem as though he's done anything about it.
Calm down!"

I do that all the time, googling random stuff people have spoken to me about so yes worth thinking about.

AuntyElle · 31/12/2017 10:17

“If you can get over being angry, ask if there is something you can do to keep his sexual focus firmly on you.”

Some of the worst advice possible, StillWorking. Showing zero understanding of cheating, and firmly based in the 1950s.

JustMarriedBecca · 31/12/2017 10:21

I'd not jump to conclusions unless there are other signs. Was this a one off google, perhaps having a bit of a giggle with work colleagues as in 'that place over the road looks like a brothel' or a regular search every week he's away? Clearly the former is innocent, the second as dodgy as hell. Like someone else has said, check for cash withdrawals.

You've been together long enough to have an honest conversation about it and only when you have the facts can you make a logical decision.

Maddiemademe · 31/12/2017 10:30

So sorry but as a former escort who worked for many years, I never once had a client who came solely for a massage. In fact, I can count on one hand how many massages I gave and that was always before full sexual intercourse. I have only seen a handful of clients who only wanted oral sex too.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread